Safe Haven

These past two weeks have been a nightmare.

Elizabeth and I broke up last week Monday. I want to write about it sometime soon, as I feel I’m still processing this. I don’t want to get into it right now.

On Friday afternoon I hit a crisis point. I had been dealing with suicidal ideation since even before the breakup, but it came and went. It wasn’t until afterward that it started to become a permanent fixture in my mind. My current living and work situation, and a few other things as well, were leading me down a very dark road.

I went to a job interview on Thursday. The first interview I was actually looking forward to, as the job seemed perfect for me. Even though I was feeling like shit, I managed to compartmentalize and focus on the interview. I felt it went well from my side. I was supposed to hear back from my agent by the end of the working day, but I didn’t. On Friday morning when I hadn’t had any feedback, I emailed my agent and asked her whether she had heard anything. I was positive. So positive. Later that morning I received her reply that I didn’t get the job.

That was the last straw. I was in the office with the dad and stepmom, and I had about an hour or so (can’t remember) before it was time to go home. I had a “meeting” with my ex business partner (we still meet up to chat and help one another with our individual businesses) directly after work, so I went to meet up with her.

She could see I was in a bad space. I broke down right then and there in the restaurant. Usually I’m able to keep my composure in public, but not this time. To cut a long story short, I ended up admitting myself into the clinic that day.

I’m still here and I’m glad I made the decision to come in that day. As I mentioned before, Saturday evening’s are usually my worst days. Since I’ve been struggling a lot with suicidal ideation and had my plan in place, I knew the weekend was going to be a hard one. If I hadn’t been in here I don’t know if I would have gotten through the weekend. I’m still not completely over the suicidal ideation, but I’m very slowly starting to regain a sense of distant hope and the will to live.

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22 thoughts on “Safe Haven

  1. Congratulations on arriving at the place where you knew you needed to get help beyond your supportive sphere. Please remember those of us out here in your corner wishing you the best and with you in times of despair

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  2. I’m proud of you lovely X I am SO SORRY you are feeling so unwell but it sounds like you have a lot of pressure and hurt on your shoulders so with our sensitive souls it’s hard not to be affected on a deep level. I love you lots and you’re in my thoughts XXXX

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks lovely. I do feel a lot of pressure regarding my life. Had a relatively peaceful and good day, but now my mind is running rampant again, and I feel overwhelmed. Almost time for meds and sleep, so hopefully that will help. Love you too. ❤

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  3. Glad you made the decisions to care for yourself. It is hard when you are in so much pain to be good and kind to yourself, so please give yourself some praise for that!! You remain in my thoughts and I hope and pray as each day passes you grow stronger

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. 🙂 I’m glad I made the decision to come back here… It’s been weird, frustrating at times, and hard, but it’s also been so good for me. I’m leaving on Friday, and feel ready and able again. 🙂

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