These past two weeks have been a nightmare.
Elizabeth and I broke up last week Monday. I want to write about it sometime soon, as I feel I’m still processing this. I don’t want to get into it right now.
On Friday afternoon I hit a crisis point. I had been dealing with suicidal ideation since even before the breakup, but it came and went. It wasn’t until afterward that it started to become a permanent fixture in my mind. My current living and work situation, and a few other things as well, were leading me down a very dark road.
I went to a job interview on Thursday. The first interview I was actually looking forward to, as the job seemed perfect for me. Even though I was feeling like shit, I managed to compartmentalize and focus on the interview. I felt it went well from my side. I was supposed to hear back from my agent by the end of the working day, but I didn’t. On Friday morning when I hadn’t had any feedback, I emailed my agent and asked her whether she had heard anything. I was positive. So positive. Later that morning I received her reply that I didn’t get the job.
That was the last straw. I was in the office with the dad and stepmom, and I had about an hour or so (can’t remember) before it was time to go home. I had a “meeting” with my ex business partner (we still meet up to chat and help one another with our individual businesses) directly after work, so I went to meet up with her.
She could see I was in a bad space. I broke down right then and there in the restaurant. Usually I’m able to keep my composure in public, but not this time. To cut a long story short, I ended up admitting myself into the clinic that day.
I’m still here and I’m glad I made the decision to come in that day. As I mentioned before, Saturday evening’s are usually my worst days. Since I’ve been struggling a lot with suicidal ideation and had my plan in place, I knew the weekend was going to be a hard one. If I hadn’t been in here I don’t know if I would have gotten through the weekend. I’m still not completely over the suicidal ideation, but I’m very slowly starting to regain a sense of distant hope and the will to live.