I Don’t Want to Hug You, But They Can’t Either

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Since the weekend I’ve started having stronger emotions coming to the forefront. Mostly sadness. I’ve contemplated getting into contact with Elizabeth again, thinking that maybe I’m ready to resume a friendship. I’ve been feeling the loss more. So maybe now isn’t such a great time. I’ve also been struggling with thoughts of “I made a mistake” ending therapy with A. I’ve been struggling with self-doubt these past few days. I’ve been missing A a lot. Not just missing her personally, but also missing our work together.

I had a therapy session with C yesterday. While I was sitting waiting for my appointment, she came out with another woman, who I assumed was a client. This woman hugged her goodbye, and in that instant I felt something. Jealousy and anger. They weren’t intense emotions, but not very subtle either. When I got into C’s office, I asked her whether that woman was a client, and it turns out it was. I had hoped that it was a friend instead.

Naturally, C asked me what I was experiencing. What had that situation triggered in me? I struggled for a while to communicate my thoughts, as I was also feeling confused. I wasn’t quite sure what I was experiencing, or why. I don’t feel this incredible connection with C, so why did it bother me that another client hugged her? I ended up leading her down a different road to what I only later realized wasn’t the whole truth. It wasn’t intentional. But it at least gave us some material to work with, so I don’t feel too bad. I’m going to bring up the subject again in our next session though. She was really on the money when she said that it seems to her that I just want to feel cared for today (yesterday). To know that I’m loved. When she said that, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming. I hadn’t even really consciously been aware of it until she said it, and I realized how right she was. And I still want that today.

On Monday I wanted to send A an email telling her that I’ve been thinking about returning to therapy with her, but that I’m not sure if I should. That I’m confused. But I didn’t send it. I could just imagine her saying “that would be inappropriate” with regards to sending her such an email, since C is my therapist and I should be talking to her about these things. So I just ended up sending A a quick text message to say hi. It helps so much just knowing that she’s still around, and we can still communicate. I just wish I could see her again.

I didn’t talk to C about this yesterday. It’s on my agenda for the next session. What happened yesterday, how I felt, just made me even more confused than I’ve already been lately. I also feel fear somewhere inside, but I’m not sure where it comes from and why it’s there.

With regards to whether she allows hugs, she told me that she doesn’t mind hugging her clients or her clients hugging her, as long as she doesn’t think it’s going to do them more harm that good. And as long as it’s with express consent. Then she asked me what I need then and there, and if I would ask if I want/need something. I told her that most of the time I’m too scared to explicitly ask for something, like a hug for example. But that I do sometimes ask… I’ve become better at it. In that moment, I didn’t want a hug from her. I didn’t want to hug her. Even after our session, I just thanked her for the session and left. It had been one of those days where I didn’t want to be touched by anyone, and even being close enough to touch felt overwhelming. So, I didn’t want a hug. But I didn’t want her other clients to get one either. Messed up, I know.

My roommates in the clinic haven’t been in contact with me. I sent them each a couple of messages, and they replied, but days later, and with messages that can’t even really be seen as a proper reply. The worst part is that I saw they went somewhere together last weekend. I know I said that I understood that this might happen, and that it would be okay. But that “no care” attitude is gone, and has been replaced with feelings of rejection. I’ve removed them from my contacts. I’m not going to run after people anymore.

I feel a little lost. Lost. Alone. Sad.

13 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Hug You, But They Can’t Either

  1. The thing is Rayne, even though you are feeling sad and confused you ARE feeling and noticing how you feel and I think that is very significant. Sometimes we just have to stay with difficult feelings and dive down deep to find out why I know I get so confused about my own decisions and feelings and reactions and then sometimes I want to withdraw completely. I relate to how you felt seeing C hug her client, I think she tapped into it to when she said what she did. If we were never noticed it leaves a big void and that can be retriggered when we see others being noticed or getting what we feel we missed out on. I think you are doing well and as far as A is concerned maybe you could talk to C about it? Just a thought. Hugs and love ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • You’re absolutely right. I’m feeling and noticing, and even though it’s hard, it’s better than the alternative. “If we were never noticed it leaves a big void and that can be retriggered when we see others being noticed or getting what we feel we missed out on.” You hit the nail on the head with that one. I think that was the biggest reason for my reaction. I’m definitely going to be speaking to C about all of this. Thanks for you comment, and the hugs and love. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Nesu

    I feel for you right now rayne. Though don’t let the insensitive actions of your room-mates deter you from a better you. In alot of ways, you’re better off without them and this is just one of the signs showing you so. You’re an amazingly strong woman and deserve all the love and care that you desire at any moment. If you ever need someone when no-one else is around… I’m here for you. You’re so much more of an inspiration than you truly realize. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. bethanyk

    Isn’t that an odd feeling?!!! To not want to be hugged by this person but pissed off that someone else got that hug from them. That they were in some sort of a place where they were deemed worthy of getting embraced and feeling loved and ….IDK I just don’t know how to explain it but I know I have felt it.
    Lately, I’ve wanted to reach out to people that I don’t even LIKE! Old friends who hurt me JUST to HAVE a friend because I am so freaking sad about losing everyone and I realize it may not be a good idea and so I’m sitting with it for awhile. Nothing seems like an easy choice so I’m sitting with it. Think of you though

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s definitely an odd feeling. I understand the wanting to reach out to people that you don’t even like. I’ve been feeling that way too. But then I switch to not wanting anyone in my life at all… To just be alone. I hope you’re feeling better.

      Liked by 1 person

      • bethanyk

        I very often go back and forth. I need alone time. My daughter told my doc that i sometimes need to lock myself in my room fr 2 hours of alone time. He said maybe I need 6 hours! So that was interesting.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I dunno when reading this, to me it’s understandable why you’re feeling this way. You’ve gone through a few significant relationship changes and decisions and are now trying to adjust to the new ‘normal’. It’s tough and new. Feelings of loss and sadness are arising, as you know they will, I guess all you can do is work through it as you are doing so well ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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