Fine, Then Not

It’s been a busy, but good week. I took the whole of today to myself for some rest and relaxation. Yet, I feel depressed. I felt fine this morning and afternoon. But somewhere along the way that changed.

It seems that after a busy period, once I allow myself some time to recuperate, I hit a low. Even if it was a good kind of busy. I had to force myself today to not do any work, even though I felt the urge to. Did some work last night so that I could have a break today.

Maybe if I had done some work today I wouldn’t be feeling this way right now. But I also know that I tend to burn out pretty quickly, so need to prioritize self-care. I have a meeting with a client tomorrow and the week is going to be another busy one. So I have to learn to balance my life, which isn’t an easy thing to do.

I hate feeling this way. Of just wanting to disappear. Of wanting life to end. Especially when there doesn’t seem to be a logical explanation for experiencing this depression. But I guess it’s never logical anyway.

20 responses to “Fine, Then Not”

  1. Sounds like there is an element of acceptance in what you wrote: trying to ride the wave rather than wrestle it to the ground in an effort to understand it. Perhaps there is something worthwhile there.

    Liked by 2 people

    • It can be agony to ride the wave, but it’s even worse trying to wrestle with it. I’ve realized that we don’t always have to (and can’t always) understand it.


  2. You’ve written exactly what I am feeling today. I’m thinking the holiday weekend, not having plans, has led to this feeling of emptiness for me. And yet, I am paralyzed by my own sadness and anger. I’m so sorry you are feeling it too. I wish I had some uplifting words of advice, but since I don’t I can say that I’m deeply hoping you feel better soon. Mental illness definitely isn’t logical, I agree. We just have to take care of ourselves until the clouds lift.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I experience the same feeling Rayne. I’ll be busy and fine and as soon as I take time to rest and recoup, I feel really depressed and anxious. It’s so hard to get through. For me, I think it’s because I’m no longer distracted and it gives my mind an opening to start bombarding me with uncomfortable feelings/thoughts. Like I can’t just be… my mind starts racing. Maybe this is when I need to practice meditation or doodling/coloring, not really sure, but sure know it’s hard. Hang in there, sending my love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve been thinking about this a lot since reading your post. I think for those of us with chronic depression, we don’t need a reason to be depressed. It’s just sadly how our brains work. That’s what gets to me. Instead of being content when I’m relaxing or intentionally trying to take a break, it feels like work or it causes a feeling of distress. I need to work on rewiring my brain. It takes constant effort and the only way to change it is to put in the work. Easier said than done, right? Hang in there, I understand how you feel. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. After finishing exams I am feeling very lost with no purpose rather than celebrating the freedom. With having no clear goal of the day our minds can take over and our mood lower with no way out. It can be hard but knowing others feel it can also have some kind of comfort x

    Liked by 2 people

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