The Anger and Pain Again

It’s agony wanting so badly to kill myself, but being unable to because I don’t want to hurt a few key people in my life. I hate that I care. I wish I didn’t. I wish I could just do it and get it over with. And why the fuck do I care how it might impact upon my current therapist and the OT’s at the clinic? What even makes me sure they might be negatively impacted for even a minute? I don’t think they really care anyway. They see so many people, they can’t care about them all. Especially not those annoying, over-bearing types like me. That’s reserved for the good clients. The only person I feel cares is A. Well, she did anyway. I’m trying to hold onto the thought that she still does. Don’t want to go to therapy tomorrow, but I already know I will end up there anyway, because I’m so damn predictable. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want to see anyone.

I’m angry with the world. I want to burn it all down. I hate humanity. I’m not good with people anyway. I thought I had become better with them through the past few years, but apparently not. When I can’t even understand what a person is saying and end up saying stupid things that don’t even make sense. When I misread the simplest of things and can’t even concentrate on something someone is saying because I’m trying to maintain eye contact (which comes hand in hand with anxiety) to show that I’m present and attentive. Multitasking? It’s a myth. People rope you in, then once they’ve got you, rip you apart.

I’m angry with the god I don’t think I believe in anymore. He didn’t even help a child that needed him because her parents couldn’t be there for her the way she needed. So why would he help an adult who’s supposed to be more capable? I was brought up in a Christian family, so I knew how to pray. But according to some Christians, I obviously didn’t pray the right way, or didn’t have enough faith. The smallest little thing I prayed for, for him to send someone into my room one night to just hold me. I just wanted to be held and feel loved, but apparently that was too much to ask for. So the next person who thinks about sending me an email telling me to just give everything over to God and my life will be better, please, don’t bother. I’ve been down that road and it just caused even more confusion, guilt, shame, and pain.

Most of all, I’m angry with myself. For being the way I am. For feeling the way I am. For being a brat. Life’s not fair. No shit. It doesn’t owe me anything. And on that note, I don’t owe it anything either.

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18 thoughts on “The Anger and Pain Again

  1. These moments defy understanding and don’t disappear with speed. Your attachment to people is admirable. That ALONE makes the awful/wonderful world a better place. You know this will pass. I am struck by how much of your basic decency comes through this post, despite your despair. I hope the feelings — the up and downness of them — soon give you the respite you need.

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  2. Dear Rayne: I feel you in my arms. You are my daughter or granddaughter. You are screaming in anger (maybe fear.) I murmur to you, I sway with you in my arms, I offer you my milk, you struggle in my arms – my arms are strong and I hold you without fear, against my warm loving body. Softly, I sing your favorite songs. I am so glad that you are in this world. TS

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so sorry you are going through this/these emotions right now, please hang in there. I know exactly how you are feeling as I have felt everything you have said before and unfortunately probably will again. I am here for you

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  4. “It’s agony wanting so badly to kill myself, but being unable to because I don’t want to hurt a few key people in my life.” THIS RIGHT HERE. I feel this so strongly. I refuse to hurt my parents like that, but it also makes me so angry with them because it feels like I’m stuck because of them. I hope you know that you’re not alone in your thoughts. I know that doesn’t take them away, but maybe it can provide some solace to know you’re heard and understood. I don’t think you’re a brat, I think things are just hard. Life is hard. Sending you hugs back ❤

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  5. ” So the next person who thinks about sending me an email telling me to just give everything over to God and my life will be better, please, don’t bother. I’ve been down that road and it just caused even more confusion, guilt, shame, and pain.”

    YES.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Wow, my friend, we have so much in common. Embrace that anger – I bet you have a great reason for it 👍. I write about my anger a whole bunch – I don’t make it pretty for others because that would be unreality. I get that life is crazy cruel and that you are feeling it would be easier to end it. Someone placed those thoughts inside of you. Make friends with that. I’m glad you’re here (alive). We could all use an honest look into the human condition – and not just a perfect, happy one 🤢

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