It Didn’t Work: Attachment Styles

Over the past couple of years of learning about boundaries, I’ve learned that I can choose who and what I allow in my life. It’s been a liberating lesson, but also a difficult and sometimes heartbreaking one.

Since Elizabeth and I broke up a few months ago, I’ve often wondered whether a friendship would work between us. I tried to make it work. But two weeks ago, I realized that I just didn’t want to try anymore. It wasn’t working for me, and was only causing me frustration, anger, and pain. It’s been a learning curve, but I now know better what I just won’t stand for in any type of relationship anymore. I’m done letting people walk all over me, treat me like trash and a problem, and not respecting my boundaries. I unfortunately still have to put up with it in my home life until I can move out, but outside that environment I have more control.

I started reading a book a while ago “Attached: The Science of Adult Attachment“. I have an anxious attachment style (anxious/ambivalent more specifically), and almost instantly recognized Elizabeth in the Avoidant attachment style. Looking back, and armed with this new information, the signs had been there from the beginning, but they became far more obvious as our relationship progressed. When I realized all this, I felt a sense of relief. I’d been believing that the relationship not working out was almost entirely my fault, and due to my own issues. And Elizabeth seemed convinced that was the case as well. Being made out to be the “guilty” one was one of the reasons I decided I just can’t have her in my life anymore. I take responsibility for my part in the relationship not working, and I refuse put up with someone unable to see her own faults and constantly pointing fingers at others. The point is, our attachment styles aren’t compatible. It just doesn’t work out well. I’ve now let go of all the guilt and self-criticism regarding the relationship. It doesn’t serve me and just keeps me stuck in a negative loop.

I learned a lot from this relationship, and now it’s time to let it go. To let her go. I have to do what’s best for me. Even if it hurts initially. And it hurts.

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14 thoughts on “It Didn’t Work: Attachment Styles

  1. Glad you’re doing what works for you. The information on attachment is so interesting, particularly that a lot of people with BPD tend to be anxious. From what I’ve read anxious types seek out avoidant types because it reaffirms their beliefs about themselves and relationships and vice versa! At least we can seek out secure types in the future.

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    1. Anxiously attached people do indeed seek out the avoidant types. I’m glad I came across this book, as this knowledge is so important. I’ll be able to see the red flags more easily and understand the mechanism behind it. Probably the most important book I’ve ever read.

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    1. It’s definitely one of the most valuable books I’ve ever read. Might read it a couple more times in the future. Don’t want to repeat the same mistakes in my relationships. ❤

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  2. That is serious growth right there! That realization! I’m getting closer but not there yet. I will look into this book and maybe it will help me.
    I’ve been meaning to ask you…on the corner of your blog page you have a trigger warning. How did you put that there adn did you create it? I’d like to be able to have one on my page like this I just don’t know how to do it. Just whenever, if you have the strength to explain it to me. If not and it’s too frustrating don’t worry about it!

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    1. Thanks Bethany. Sorry for taking so long to reply, completely forgot that I hadn’t replied to anyone on this post yet. You need to add an image widget to your sidebar area and then put in the image url so that it shows up. That’s how I did it with this theme, but the exact process is different with other themes.

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