Why I Wish He Would Understand

I arrived in a state at my therapy session last week. It had been a crap day, with way too much sensory stimulation. There’s building going on next to my dad’s shop, and the store was in chaos… One of the really busy days. Phones ringing, everyone running up and down, loud voices, etc. I just couldn’t work, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t do much of anything but listen to my music with my headphones on and try to calm my nervous system down.

It ended up with me and my dad fighting again, because he couldn’t understand why I can’t just ignore everything and focus on work. I tried to explain to him again that I struggle to drown out sounds and the constant movement (which makes me nauseous as well) and I seem to lose the ability to use my brain for tasks. I would have thought that he would get this by now as it’s always been a problem for me, since childhood, and a source of lots of fights, tears, threats, etc. I was struggling to explain it to him in a coherent manner while in the state I was in, because for some reason even my language and speech are affected during these times of a sensory overload meltdown. Add in the frustration I was feeling with him not understanding or seeming to listen, and me being unable to communicate properly. I hated him so much right then and was glad when he left the office. I was done talking. I just couldn’t anymore. I was exhausted, yet still extremely riled up.

On a Wednesday I usually leave for therapy straight after work. As I was driving there that day, I couldn’t focus. I felt disoriented and confused on the road. For example, which lane I’m supposed to be in, road signs, other cars. See what I mean about my brain not functioning the way it should sometimes? I’m just glad I got to the clinic without any incident. And that the waiting area was empty and quiet.

I was still highly worked up in the session, and I can’t actually remember much of what went on. I do remember though my therapist asking at some point why I need my dad to understand. That question was on my mind for days afterward. Logically, I know he doesn’t understand and he probably never will, and sometimes I can accept that, but days that like one, I just can’t.

Why do wish he would understand, or at least try to? It would save both of us (and anyone else involved) a lot of drama. Because maybe then he’ll stop fighting with me over the same stuff, which just triggers me and makes me feel even more overwhelmed and less able to cope with the normal day-to-day of living and stress that comes with it. And he won’t have to be on the receiving end of a meltdown (or in his view, a tantrum). Case in point: On Tuesday my dad wanted me to go buy lunch. He wanted me to go to a place I absolutely hate. A fish shop. My first instinct when he asked me was to blurt out “but that place smells horrible!” before I could even realize what I was saying and stop myself. Usually this is the point where he will either crap me out for my “attitude” or “laziness”, or the more extreme version, fly into an instant rage. But this time he didn’t do either of those things. He simply replied “I know”, in a tone of voice that wasn’t threatening or triggering. When that happened, I felt myself relax, and willing to handle the few minutes of nausea I’d experience while ordering. That moment, where I felt validated in a sense, just confirmed why I believe it will be beneficial for the both of us if he would at least try to understand.

So yes, I went to that place to buy them food, and even though I was only inside for a minute or two while ordering (there wasn’t a queue, thank goodness), my clothes and hair smelled of the place. Fish and old oil. I had to double wash my hair and I don’t want to see that jersey and those pants for a while, even though they’ve now been washed. But, I survived. My dad’s words didn’t stop me from experiencing those nasty “side effects”, but it helped regulate my feelings toward actually having to go through it.

I know people can’t truly “get” things if they don’t experience it themselves, but relationships would be so much better off if we all just at least try to listen to one another and understand where someone is coming from. Why they react in certain ways. And yes, I know that applies to me with regards to my dad as well.

12 responses to “Why I Wish He Would Understand”

  1. Your post makes it clear that you haven’t given up on getting his validation. You continue to hope he will “try.” Your momentary well-being then depends on his words and actions, one or more daily dice-rolls –things over which you have no control. I’m sure you will think through the next steps when you are able.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right. Just when I think I have given up on wanting his validation, something seems to happen that sends me right back there. For now though, I’ve accepted that it probably won’t happen.


  2. I think that we all have a part of ourselves, that yearns for validation. This is a part of our Emotional Mind. It doesn’t match always match our chronological age. Mine doesn’t anyway. We coukd be 60 and still wish that asshat parents would understand us, all the while knowing with our Reasonable Mind they cannot. This is normal.
    When we come from invalidating environments (as I did) it becomes more challenging to let go of that yearning for validation when we are vulnerable or dysregulated in some way.
    The synthesis of those two minds is of course our Wise Mind. Acting out of this place and realizing that ‘I am not bad for wanting my parents to give me validation AND knowing they cannot give it to me’ is the dialect. Then practicing some good self-care becomes the way to move through.
    I love reading your blog. You remind me, I can only change me. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t think its right of her to say that. FIRST she needs to empathise with the part of you that needed that EVEN THOUGH its not realistic knowing your Dad. Surely someone who loves you tries to extend themselves into your reality rather than just blow it off. That said I think in time you have to accept a really hard reality but it sucks and it hurts a lot. Rationally it `shouldn’t` but feelings aren’t rational. Big hugs xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    • My therapist did actually empathize, and told me she completely understands that need, so she didn’t blow me off at all. I just kept repeating “I need him to understand” over and over, so she used that question to try to get me to think deeper as to what I really want and need from him. Why it’s so important to me. There might be more than one reason after all. 🙂


  4. That book on anxiety and relationships would help you extend into his logical higher brain state but he needs to understand that in your case its harder for you to engage that part of your brain when you are highly stimulated. It works both ways for sure. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. so sorry he doesn’t get it. That’s tough. I have similar issues with my dad, he doesn’t understand me, or what I go through, and he causes fights, and has anger outbursts which trigger me to no end. I’m glad you were able to discuss this with your therapist.

    Liked by 1 person

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