It still catches me by surprise how quickly my emotions can change from one minute, hour, week, to the next.
When I wrote my last post I was in a pit of despair which had rolled over me while doing some movement and muscle exercises (sensory integration stuff). Everything just suddenly seemed pointless, and didn’t have the strength or energy to stop the spiral leading me down a dark road.
Once I’m in that dark place, most of the time I can’t even summon up the thought that it will be over soon. I forget that our emotions are like waves, they come and go. You know, the stuff we’re taught in DBT. In those moments it feels like it’s never going to end. That this is it. This is life. This is me. This is how it’s always going to be and there’s nothing I can do about it.
When I’m not in that place where suicidal ideation is so strong, then I remember that this too shall pass. Then I can see the waves and am more able to cope with the emotions rising and falling, crashing and calming.
Here’s to riding the waves.
I think at least once a day I go down. I feel empty and alone. Than I will be happy, then I will be sad. When I am around other people it is better usually. But then I question how much they really care. I know it is only to a degree. I wonder about this guy. I don’t think he even really likes me. He told me he likes that I am real, but his son asked me why he doesn’t like me. I am so confused and overwhelmed. I am so sick of my emotions and I also grateful I am not alone. 💕
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Relationships (all sorts) can really mess with us, can’t they? I’m sorry you’re in the situation you’re in with that guy. Sending love.
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Thanks Rayne. I can’t believe how manipulative he was – I have cut him out but it cost me. 💕
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The cost will have been worth it I think. Take care of you. ❤
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Am also *
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Its great when you get to a point where you get your head just a little above the swell. I spent so many years being totally subsumed by darkness that now I am grateful the longest I’ve been down is half a day or so. But its a great metaphor as the emotional tide is always rising and falling for us. We tend to experience things so much more intensely due to lack of childhood empathy and containment.
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The darkness of depression can really black out all signs of positivity and hope. I find that it’s good to revisit posts like this one when all has gone to shit, because it gives real roots to the phrase “the pain is only temporary.”
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It will be helpful for me to maybe bookmark this post then read it when I feel hopeless.
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“This too shall pass”.. always a great quote to hold on to, even when it seems like too much.
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Thanks for the reminder…
At the time it’s really hard to remember.
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It really is.
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