I’ve been struggling a lot these past few days.

My sympathetic nervous system and good old Amy(gdala) thinks I’m in constant danger. My emotions are all over the place. For a couple of hours yesterday I felt completely empty, then another torrent of emotions.

Reading my previous post back, I’m aware that my current emotions will pass, but then what? It comes back again at some point. Like the ocean and waves, it’s never ending. Like I told my therapist today, using coping tools and skills is hard and exhausting.

My sensory system is even more sensitive lately too. Everything feels brighter, faster, louder, leading to me losing my shit much much quicker. Anxiety is a bitch. And my trusty benzo’s? Well, no effect, they’ve been pretty useless. Although I wonder if they haven’t actually been working, and I would have been even worse without them?

Thank whoever for therapy today. It was intense, and most of it a blur, but C was once again very comforting and helpful. We didn’t do much “work”, as most of the session was focused on helping me get regulated and become present, but I was exhausted afterward. I still am.

At the end of the session I got nice firm hug from her. I needed that so much. Hugging a stuffed toy just isn’t the same as close contact with another human. Just as an aside, we don’t always hug after sessions. It’s only happened about three times because firstly, sometimes I’m too ashamed/scared to ask for one, while other times I just don’t feel the need. I wouldn’t like regular hugs, because then it just becomes like a routine and while I thrive on routine, this is something different.

I’m not looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning. Just the thought of another day gives me a sinking feeling. I could take the day off work, but even that feels depressing.

They say struggles make us stronger, but it feels like the opposite is true. I don’t feel stronger. I feel weaker instead.

25 responses to “Struggling”

  1. Oh darn I hate that you are struggling and feeling the way you are. I agree hugging a person is more helpful than a stuffed animal.
    I hate anxiety so much! Thinking of you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry you are struggling right now. However, I’m glad your therapist was able to meet your needs and provide some grounding and comfort. You are strong, so so strong. We see it, even when you struggle to. One day at a time. Hold on to every bit of relief that comes your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Rayne…it is so hard when your emotions are all over the place – anger one minute and empty the next, but knowing it will come around again!! You are doing great and you are strong. Maybe you can try to explore the feelings just a little. Ask who inside is feeling the anger, or the anxiety, etc and what they might need to help ease that feeling even just a notch. Be curious if you can with your emotions. They are feelings and intense I can hear, but if you can explore them you might be able to help yourself through it a little bit better. Sending you safe hugs and good thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

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