Finally Feeling It

I spent some time with my uncle yesterday. Since he was diagnosed with cancer, I’ve been feeling pretty numb about it. I have had fleeting moments of anger and disbelief though. Driving home after seeing him yesterday, a deep sadness came over me. The kind of sadness you feel everywhere inside your body and that just sits there. I couldn’t cry. Just feel it as it took my breath away. Such a deep pain with nowhere to go.

It scared me when I saw him yesterday. He’s lost so much weight, I don’t know how he has the strength to even stand. We went for a short walk on the beach and then sat there for a little while until he got too tired. When we got back to his place I only stayed for a few minutes so that he could get some rest. He told me that I’m the only person he looks forward to seeing and that he can really talk to. I’m glad that he feels like he can talk to me, and that he phoned me the day he was feeling at his worst. He doesn’t need people telling him at every turn what to do and what not to do. How to feel. Which is what the rest of the family does. He’s got doctors that do that. He needs family who will listen with no judgement. Who will be there for him. I don’t always know what to say. Most of the time I don’t say anything. I just listen. And apparently that’s exactly why he feels he can be open and honest with me.

We have a special bond. We always have had, even during those times where I felt far from him. The time it felt like I had lost him. I feel like I have him back again, and the thought of losing him forever, terrifies me. A part of me wants to push him away. To not feel the fear, the pain. But I also want to hold tightly onto him. I love him so damn much, and hate seeing how much he’s suffering. I wish I could just take it away from him. But I can’t. All I can do is be there for him. It’s so hard and painful though.

The one person I really want to talk to about this is my previous therapist, A. But I can’t. She knew the relationship I have with him, and was there when he moved out and I was having a hard time with that. I’m missing her even more than I usually do. I’m aching to hear her voice and see her face again. For a hug from her.

Tonight, the sadness is still there. But I can cry now. It’s got somewhere to go.

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14 thoughts on “Finally Feeling It

  1. I remember my nan having cancer and how ill she got before she died it’s a rough road and I still feel regret I wasn’t that close to her but I do believe she’s around me in spirit, I don’t know if you believe in that type of thing but spirituality has helped me cope, I hope you find you’re way of coping too. I have a box where I keep photos and items that belonged to my nan, I look through them when I miss her and cry buckets but crying is a part of grief and I guess we go through it even when we know someone is dying but not yet gone. It’s very depressing and frustrating but I’m glad you have that bond with your uncle and you’re still making memories to treasure with him. I’ll be thinking of you and your uncle. Hugs ❤️ x

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    1. I’m sorry about your nan. The same thing happened with my grandmother too. She was my best friend, and most significant attachment growing up, and seeing her suffer was heartbreaking. I helped take care of her during her last few months, but I’ve always felt like I let her down by not doing enough. This situation with my uncle is bringing all that old grief up again. I realize that there’s only so much I can do though, and that I also need to take care of myself. But I’m glad that I get to be there for him. I can’t imagine how hard this road must be for him. Thanks for your comment. ❤

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  2. Condolences on these losses, accomplished and anticipated. You’ve offered an important lesson, too: one needn’t know the right thing to say, often being present is the non-verbal, “right thing.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Dr Stein. I know that for me, sometimes all I need is someone to listen, not give advice or try to fill silences and difficult moments with words. Unfortunately it seems that most of humanity is afraid of and uncomfortable with silence.

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  3. I am so pleased for you Rayne, even though this comes out of so much pain. Seems he really sees you and knows your soul……… Its so hard watching loved ones die or waste away…. so hard. but I see it as a great time of spiritual opportunity as well ❤ ❤ ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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