Why I Won’t Be Reaching Out Again

It was my birthday just recently, and I had a bit of a “mid-life crisis” that day. Panicking that I’m in my middle 30’s and still living with parents, and that it seems things will never get better. It doesn’t help that I’ve been in a depressive phase as it is for the past while. I go to bed praying that I don’t wake up, but when I do wake up try to tell myself that today will be a better day. It never is.

I find myself becoming increasingly unstable, and I don’t know what to do about it. I learned a couple of months ago that reaching out for help either gets met with rejection or being completely ignored. Of course, I knew this for most of my life, but I seriously thought and hoped (and was told) that it wouldn’t always be that way.

Tonight I learned the hard way again. It doesn’t matter how much I’m struggling, or even when I desperately beg (something I never thought I’d ever do) for that support- support they absolutely have the power to give- I’m not going to get it. The message I hear loud and clear is “you don’t matter”, “your life means nothing to me”, and “I don’t care”. It especially hurts like hell when it comes from someone you’re so attached to, someone you thought cared. Finding out they actually don’t… Words can’t accurately convey what that feels like.

I genuinely feel unworthy, rejected, abandoned and like I don’t belong anywhere. Just want to mention that I’m not talking about my therapist, but someone else in the mental health profession. Although on that note, the way I feel is that I’m just another client. That’s the truth though… I am just another client. I’m not special. I’m not important. You know, you go into therapy and don’t count on how important that relationship is going to be. But I’m beginning to see that I don’t want that relationship anymore. I don’t want a close relationship anymore, because it just leads to hurt and disappointment. Our therapists are professionals and can’t give us some things we wish they could. They’re not our friends, siblings, parents, etc. It’s just a working relationship. I don’t see the point of attachment anymore. I don’t think there ever was one, other than a baby’s necessary early attachment to their mother or primary caregiver.

Often these days I wonder… do I even want to continue? Because I’m slowly giving up on attachment and support. I’m definitely done with asking for help. From now on I’m a closed book. No one needs to know I’m struggling. After all, it doesn’t help even when they do know.

13 responses to “Why I Won’t Be Reaching Out Again”

  1. You matter and your life matters. You inspire people everyday by sharing your story here. Sounds like things have been horrible and tough, it breaks my heart to hear that. You’re a genuinely caring person and we need more of that in the world

    Liked by 2 people

    • I do a lot of that. Trying to distract myself and practice good self-care. There are times where it fails to really work, but I think those are the times where I have to, as my therapist tells me, “allow yourself to feel your emotions without judgement”.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I like that, Rayne. Feel, acknowledging the feeling, and let go.
        Years ago, when I was in therapy, I was shown how to write and then, re-write my story without emotion (just the facts). That helped me a lot. ❤️🦋🌀

        Liked by 1 person

  2. So fucking relatable! This could so easily have been written by me. We’re more alike than I think either of us realised. Don’t think you aren’t worth something though. You are. You add your own unique flavour to this world. Plus, I don’t like people who are here merely to make up the numbers. I like you, so you must have that little something extra most lack. It’s okay to be cynical. It’s okay to doubt everyone and their agenda. If anything, that just makes you closer to enlightenment than most.

    Liked by 2 people

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