Change, Life, Work

I want to start blogging more regularly again. I’ve been going through some lengthy sort of phase where I think that my blog has become boring (for others) and I feel kind of narcissistic writing about myself all the time. Why I feel that way now, and why it didn’t bother me all that much before, I don’t know. But writing here has been so helpful to me in the past and I want to have that back, so I should at least try again.

I’ve been staying with M for the past week, and it’s been good for me I think. That intense hopelessness that’s been hanging around for so long has somewhat lifted. It only shows up for a few minutes before disappearing, which is a welcome relief from the persistent version. I haven’t quite got my new routine right (my working hours have also changed) which causes anxiety, but I’m getting there. Once again I’ve realized how strongly change affects me. Even good change. That’s where well-established systems and rituals that are time and place independent really help to make things a little easier.

This has been a busy and overwhelming week work wise. So it was a huge relief on Friday evening when I could finally cross that difficult client off my list. He settled the final payment, job done. Another positive, I had a meeting with a potential client on Monday and received the go ahead and deposit on Friday. So even though it’s been stressful and there were lots of crap moments, over all it’s been a good week.

I’m going to be staying with M for a while, just not sure exactly how long. She suggested a few months, but my therapist knows me well and said I should start with two weeks, see how I feel, and take it from there. So that’s what I’m going to be doing.

Since yesterday, there’s been so much confusion in my mind and many different emotions all vying for attention, that I feel physically sick. Focusing on anything for longer than a couple of minutes is hard. I see it’s taken me half an hour to actually write this. I feel like a computer. My mind keeps going into sleep mode, then booting back up and continuing right where it left off. And this is where I’ll end tonight. Sleep sounds so good right now.

15 responses to “Change, Life, Work”

  1. You seem to feel persistent guilt for the most trivial of things and I can relate so much to that. I don’t know about you, but I’m suspicious the reason for my guilt is that I’m caught in a perpetual battle between doing what’s right for me as an individual and what’s right by society’s yardsticks. If I appease one, I invariably let the other down. I pick up on that mainly because of the fact you seemed to apologise for always talking about yourself on here. That, to me, seems crazy as this is YOUR blog and I come here to read about you and your life and struggles. I want to know how you’re getting on. So, as far as I’m concerned, you should totally carry on talking about what you have going on. If it makes you feel better and make sense of a nonsensical world then even more so.

    Liked by 5 people

    • “You seem to feel persistent guilt for the most trivial of things” You’re absolutely correct Paul. There’s a difference between guilt that is justified and the kind that isn’t, and unfortunately it’s the unjustified one that I struggle with. Your suspicion makes a lot of sense and I think that’s part of my problem as well. Thanks for reminding me that this is my blog. It’s just hard sometimes knowing that others are reading it too and wanting to make sure that I cater to them as well. But from now on I’m going to remind myself of my main purpose for starting it in the first place and just be myself again. I always appreciate your comments, thanks. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m happy to see you writing again… and don’t find it boring at all to read about your life! I learn so much by reading about other people’s experiences, challenges, and growth. I hope you’ll give yourself permission to just write whatever it is you feel you need to think through.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Im sad I missed out on past blogs recently but you have been moving on with positive changes in your life so I get where you are coming from. I feel narcissitic too talkign of myself all the time, there may be some truth in it. But there is a world out there to enjoy too and its so great to read of your recent progress. (the year is flying by fast though) xoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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