I’m so fucking angry that I feel like breaking everything in this damn house! Damn M for telling me when she did that I needed to move out, rather than listen to her psychiatrist and wait until my therapist is back! She was being so selfish.
Now I’m alone here, looking after her dog (of course you know I love her), with no support. I don’t feel equipped right now to look after myself, let alone another being. But I don’t have a choice. I have no idea when M will be back (it was an open flight ticket). One of my friends is away in another part of the country for work and won’t be back until the end of next month. The other one is studying and working full time so doesn’t have time. The other one, who lives less than 10 minutes away, takes days to respond to a message (she never answers her phone), and still hasn’t agreed to meet up for coffee, despite knowing I need a friend right now.
My life just feels hopeless. I haven’t been this depressed in such a long time. And I’m alone. Because I’m a useless, worthless excuse for a human. Fuck this life!
Journey Toward Healing 
15 responses to “Angry and Alone”
You are NOT a useless, worthless excuse of a human. You are, like lots of others, doing the best you can and you every right to feel angry and let down by those who are not treating you well. I’ve been reading your post long enough to know that you have followers that care about you. Remember that. And take yourself for a coffee in a beautiful spot. Treat yourself. I want you to be ok. I know you can do it 😘
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Thank you. I don’t even have money to be able to buy myself a coffee. Just wish I felt that there were people close by who actually cared. One thing I’ve learned is that people are very quick to say they do, but their actions just don’t show it.
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YES!!! It’s a damn shame that people have the guts to hide behind passivity, instead of being as direct and clear as possible. “I Care” has transformed over the years into “I *MIGHT* Care at my own convenience.”
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Exactly that!
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Are you holding up okay in this crazy weird time, Rayne? I thought about you earlier today when I was at the grocery store. This madness does no favors for those of us with such mental health woes. Stay well, keep in touch. 🙂
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It’s all very unsettling, but at least I’m comfortable and happy being cooped up in my room, lol. I feel for those who get bored easily and need constant social interaction. Will be writing a new post soon. Hope you’re well! 🙂
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I look forward to it. ❤ You stay well, too.
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You say you have no choice. Perhaps you do. You are present in the home. That fact might actually give you more leverage than M. Even the pertaining laws might support you. People frequently outstay their welcome. Part of the speed of your departure may yet depend on you.
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I hear you. I’m not that kind of person though and even despite everything I still care about her and can’t do that to her. Not only that, I don’t want to be somewhere I might be resented. I’m going to be moving in with my dad them, as it’s the only other option at the moment and for the time being. Will write about that in my next post.
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This feeling of being alone in the midst of all our distress is so terrible! It’s one of the things I’m super sensitive too. And I also often decide that because I feel alone, that proves no one cares, which in turn proves I am unlovable and hopeless and worthless. In my clearer-thinking moments, however, I can recognize that the feeling is intense, but it’s not reality. I know this is true of you as well. The feeling you have is real and intense and horrible, but it’s not the truth. You deserve compassion for your suffering, and you deserve to know that the truth is that you ARE lovable and worthy and there are people who care deeply for you, even if they can’t be right there for you in your moment of need.
Wishing you self-compassion and peace of mind.
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Thanks for your comment. I’ve always noticed the pattern of friends that say they care, that they’re never around when I need them. It’s not just a one time thing. But I suppose everyone cares in their own way.
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😦 thats horrid I’m so sorry this has happened. Honestly I know it’s hard and I’d be the same way, but it really doesn’t sound like a ‘you’ thing. It sounds like she didnt want to be alone after the death of someone near to her and alone in the house, then she realised she didnt process that really, she did lose someone and having you move in – though I’m sure she cares about you and she wanted you by her side, didn’t give her the grieving space or let her face reality of what she lost. And all of that still sucks for you because now it sounds all rushed. 😦 you are NOT worthless or any of those things. It’s just a crap situation. I’m hoping she’s away long enough for you to be able to figure out somewhere to stay. Can you maybe do a house share with other renters? Keep your head up lady, you have overcome much more. Xxx sending you love
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I understand how you feel, and I am so sorry that you feel this way. Please know that this is a perspective you have now, and it is valid but not accurate. You are one of my favorite people here; I appreciate you greatly and am so glad you are here.
There are many who will come and go in life, but you will always remain. You. The one who matters in your life and always should.
I am thinking of you in this hard time. 💙
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At the cost of sounding like a simpleton, this being the first post of yours to have come across, “I GET IT, GIRL!” This all makes perfect sense to me, and I am so very sorry that you are going through such a dilemma. But I know all too well how it feels (and to have someone as close as 10 minutes away who puts you on the back-burner and doesn’t prioritize the importance of friendships. I am thankful for God and The Universe for bringing me to your site, because I have a feeling there’s so much more about my own struggles which strike all too familiar chords with others such as yourself. I will send you lots of good vibes, in addition to scrolling through your other posts.
“Be as well as you can be!” (That’s kinda one of my new mantras)
~ C
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Sorry not to have been keeping up with your posts, Rayne. you sound as if you are doing better now… life puts us through some hard experiences and its so painful not to be able to depend on anyone… the kindness in your heart is important to show to yourself.. its so painful to blame ourselves when others let us down.. but that is where we go to in the absence of other support.
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