A Day Has No Meaning Anymore

My days feel meaningless. So does my life.

No matter what I do, where I go, it’s there. The emptiness.

Spending time with my regular two friends isn’t the same. Whereas before that would give me a mood boost, it does nothing for me anymore. I feel okay with them in the moment, but there’s a disconnect between the person I’m trying to be when I’m with them (the friend they know) and the person who just doesn’t want to be breathing anymore. I don’t even know which night it was this week (feels like last week) that we went out. Immediately when I arrived, all I could think about was that I desperately needed a glass of wine and couldn’t think until the order came. It’s like the only way I could get through that night was by drinking.

The day after I wrote my previous post, I tried to arrange a time with M to go pick the puppy up, like we had discussed, but once again I couldn’t get hold of her that day and she didn’t bother calling me back or replying to my message (a few days later I did get to go pick puppy up and spend a few hours with her). And instead of the familiar feeling of disappointment, I just felt resigned, defeated. As if nothing can hurt me anymore.

Something feels horribly wrong inside.

With each hour that passes, the darkness grows. My efforts to try to keep that darkness at bay are like a blunt tool. Useless. And I’m done trying.

8 responses to “A Day Has No Meaning Anymore”

  1. I am in the same place you are. I completely understand. I can’t escape it either. I don’t feel human and I hate who I am right now. I just wanted you to know that I am with you. In the void. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rayne, I’m concerned about you, from what you wrote here. You seem to be in a very dark mental space. Who is there to help you? Who can you share this with in your real life?

    I know we often think that telling someone is being a “burden,” but I’ve come to see that’s wrong. The people who really care about us are grateful when we let them in to what is actually going on for us. Even if all they can do is sit and watch a TV program with you. I hope you’ll reach out to someone in your life and get some support. I’m very sorry you are going they this hopelessness.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your comment. I saw my therapist today which helped a lot. She’s great. Will be seeing her for a couple of extra sessions during this time, so I think I’ll be okay. Just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’ve been waiting for my friend to come spend an evening with me at my place, so hopefully she gets around to that this week. Will be good to have someone here for an entire evening and in my own space.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi there thank you for sharing just want to let you know your blog when I was introduced to it five years ago has helped me and my healing significantly please don’t ever change your rawness and never censor yourself I will say that you do sound like you’re being a little hard on yourself actually a lot hard sometimes we grow out of people and places and times sometimes we just need to be a little lost before we can recalibrate I was just explaining the same exact feeling that you explained above to somebody this morning it’s like once you get hurt so many times or you’re just tired of being in pain for so long eventually that cord just snaps cuz you have been working really hard at creating boundaries and meaningful relationships sometimes we don’t realize our needs aren’t being maxed we don’t realize what our needs are you mentioned that you don’t like being yourself around them or that you have to be somebody else to them what if you didn’t have to try what if you were just you I know that would probably be extremely uncomfortable I know it would be for me I actually don’t know how to do it so I’m learning how to love myself more as you do too thank you so much for sharing I really do appreciate you I hope you feel better tomorrow and if not I hope to hear or see you regardless another post from you

    Liked by 1 person

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