I hadn’t realized that the clock had struck twelve until I heard the first fireworks go off in the distance.
Alone, I had been in my own world again.
That, exploring the universe in my mind, has marked the so-called holiday season and new year for me. There were two video calls with family during that time, but I still felt disconnected. It’s been a strange time. As though the world outside my room didn’t exist. It was just me, here, alone. Everything else was just a dream. I had thought I was maybe depressed. But I’m not sure what I was. Or am.
My first therapy session back last week, it was as though I had just woken up. Emotions and thoughts I hadn’t thought much about during my solitude spilled out. I was shocked at all these feelings and words coming out of me in that room. Had I been so disconnected, even from myself?
Sitting there, I had to resist the urge to get up and throw my arms around my therapist. I just wanted to feel physically close to her. A deep longing that made me want to curl up in a ball and die, knowing it wasn’t going to happen.
After the session, everything just stopped again. As though a door in my mind slammed shut.
There are hardly any emotions, yet every now and then I feel this wave of “death is clarity and peace” sweep over me. It’s in my dreams. It’s in the air.
Sorry to my unknown.