Someone Isn’t Me

Someone Isn’t Me

I hadn’t realized that the clock had struck twelve until I heard the first fireworks go off in the distance.

Alone, I had been in my own world again.

That, exploring the universe in my mind, has marked the so-called holiday season and new year for me. There were two video calls with family during that time, but I still felt disconnected. It’s been a strange time. As though the world outside my room didn’t exist. It was just me, here, alone. Everything else was just a dream. I had thought I was maybe depressed. But I’m not sure what I was. Or am.

My first therapy session back last week, it was as though I had just woken up. Emotions and thoughts I hadn’t thought much about during my solitude spilled out. I was shocked at all these feelings and words coming out of me in that room. Had I been so disconnected, even from myself?

Sitting there, I had to resist the urge to get up and throw my arms around my therapist. I just wanted to feel physically close to her. A deep longing that made me want to curl up in a ball and die, knowing it wasn’t going to happen.

After the session, everything just stopped again. As though a door in my mind slammed shut.

There are hardly any emotions, yet every now and then I feel this wave of “death is clarity and peace” sweep over me. It’s in my dreams. It’s in the air.

Sorry to my unknown.

12 responses to “Someone Isn’t Me”

  1. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I think there was so much pressure on this year to automatically be so much better than the last, but our emotions haven’t changed. Our circumstances haven’t changed. So it’s just more of the same, except we feel worse. I equally yearn to hug my therapist if that helps at all.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks. πŸ™‚ Exactly that… Our emotions haven’t changed. Not much has. Even though logically we knew that the beginning of a new year doesn’t mean that things will magically change, I think there was an underlying expectation (or hope) that things would somehow be different.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There is a world of hurt. Your coping mechanisms don’t sound worse than those of many I’ve heard of in this time. Glad to hear you said no to the wave.

    Liked by 1 person

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