Under Again

I’m so angry, I want to break and destroy things and certain people. My rage has been so intense and I don’t know any other way to release it in a satisfactory way, other than hurting myself.

I haven’t seen my therapist in over two weeks, and won’t be seeing her tomorrow (and probably next week either). She needs a few weeks to acclimate to motherhood and recover from the operation. She couldn’t give me a set date or time. I don’t deal well with uncertainty, but this specific uncertainty was expected. Doesn’t mean it’s not driving me crazy anyway. The fear that I’ll never see or hear from her again doesn’t help matters.

Saw my psychiatrist last week as I needed a new script. So got to talk to him about stuff at least. But I hold back quite a bit from him for some reason. I don’t feel that comfortable being too vulnerable with him.

My uncle went into hospital after a heart problem. The nurse and doctor made a HUGE mistake that might destroy his future, and that I know he won’t want to live that way. If he even comes out of this alive. All because they didn’t listen. And there’s nothing I can do. I’m too far away, and even if I was there, with this Covid shit, they wouldn’t let me see him anyway. They will pay, even if the rest of the family don’t go ahead with the legal stuff. I’ll make sure of that.

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now, and losing my car has just made me feel even less in control over my life. I can’t just get in my car and go for a drive. Something I used to do when I felt upset. I feel trapped. Useless. Helpless. I’m frustrated with myself because I’m struggling with even the most basic things. Nothing is going right.

I want to see my mom and my sisters so badly too. I haven’t seen them in years. It’s just not fair.

I’m also frustrated and fed up with friends and certain other people in my life. I just want to scream! It feels like I’m losing my mind.

9 responses to “Under Again”

  1. Oh my dear friend! Sending you many hugs from Greece! Life is pretty shitty at the moment, isn’t it? The shit seems to have hit the fan for so many of us! And Covid can sod off! Hang in there! Let me know if you want to vent some more..xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • P.S. We should arrange a video chat sometime in the near future. Would be lovely to talk to you. Just need to get my head sorted out a bit first. Calls and videos actually make me anxious… Especially with people I’ve never chatted to like that before. I’m weird, I know.


  2. Rayne, my dear, your frustration touches me deeply- I know well the failings of the supposed “Healthcare” system-I won’t bother you with details- I feel your pain. I personally have taken the attitude of embracing the uncertainty and am manifesting the mantra “Bring it!” Growth doesn’t occur in my comfort zone-You have grown and are growing-You sharing your feelings, experience and battles helps me-please keep it up-Until then I value The Divine within you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks for your lovely comment. I definitely won’t say “bring it” though… Had enough of all the stuff coming along. Don’t think I can handle any more. As for embracing uncertainty, I’ve never been able to get that part right. Maybe one day I’ll be able to.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. No wonder you feel like you are losing your mind–that is a TON of stuff all at the same time. I’m really, really sorry to hear about your uncle. It’s bad enough when someone we care about has a medical problem, but when it’s made worse unnecessarily because people didn’t do their job right, that feels unbearable!

    And the lack of access to your therapist means you at least temporarily without one of the most crucial supports that exists in your life. And no car. And no way to see your mom and sisters. And fucking COVID. It is a LOT. You are entirely justified in feeling like screaming. It is a normal reaction to so much stress. At the very least, please don’t judge yourself for struggling. A lot of people are struggling, even if they don’t have as many things going on at the same time.

    To the degree you can, try to be kind to yourself. Imagine if a good friend, how you would feel empathy for her and would want to be sweet to her. I know it feels weird at first, but I can also tell you from experience that it gets easier with practice and it helps.

    sending loads of good wishes, Q.

    Liked by 1 person

    • So sorry to hear of your pain. Shakespeare knew, too: “When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.” (From Hamlet). Even so, too terrible for words, for now.

      Liked by 1 person

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