Nightmares & The Dark

I’m having a hard time with my sleeping routine.

I’m naturally a night owl, so go to bed quite late. I try to go to bed before 2am though. Sometimes I manage that, other times not so much. I usually wake up sometime between 10 and 11am.

At least that’s how it used to be.

I’m craving the blissful state of non-existence for a while, but instead I’m bombarded with nightmare after nightmare. The really bad ones wake me up in a panic and it takes me a couple of hours to be able to turn the light off again and go back to sleep. The dark is deafening. Terrifying. I’m acutely aware how alone I am in those moments. At night the monsters are lurking in the closet, under my bed. Sitting on the edge of my bed, watching me. Waiting.

My longest continuous sleep time over the past two weeks has been 3 hours. This broken sleep is obviously making things worse. Sleeping until 3pm, because I was up for hours, too scared to go to sleep. Or having fallen asleep and woken up after yet another terrifying dream. So many people from my past in some of those dreams. Lies, betrayals, violence, death. So much blood and death.

Saturday and Sunday were two of the worst days I’ve had in years. I honestly don’t know how I got through it. Maybe I didn’t after all, and I’m not actually alive right now. I wanted to go into the clinic, but couldn’t get there. I didn’t know where to turn. Everyone seemed to have abandoned me. Unanswered messages. Cancelled visits and meetups.

New complications with regards to my uncle. I just want him to come out of this already. He has to. I can’t lose him, I just can’t. I had spoken to him a few days before he went into hospital, because he had sent me money for my birthday, which was so appreciated (more than he could ever know). I need to hear his voice again. We need him.

I need my mommy. There’s that. Even though everytime I’ve been with her, there’s never that mother-daughter bond and feeling, more like just a friendship. But she’s my mom, and I love and miss her. I’ve never been able to cry in front of her. But still, I long for that comfort of not being alone when I cry. When I’m not feeling good. The reality is never quite like the imagination, is it?

Remembered on Wednesday that my therapist had told me that I could email her while she’s gone if I need to. So I did just that. I wasn’t writing from a very present state of mind and it wasn’t a long email. I told her I was angry with her for reasons I can’t quiet think of. Told her I was thinking that maybe she wasn’t coming back. That she didn’t feel real anymore.

She replied that same evening. That didn’t feel real either. I wasn’t expecting a reply, since I wasn’t all there when I sent it anyway. There had been genuine moments during the day where I was so confused, believing that I had made her up the entire time. That nothing was real. That I wasn’t alive. Or human. The next morning I had to make sure that it hadn’t been a dream. She is real. She actually sent me an email. An email that let me know that she’s proud of how I’m managing, and encouragement to keep going even though it feels tough. Letting me know that she is coming back and we’ll have our video consultations soon. I don’t deserve her.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. Being bombarded with messages and photo’s of people finding new jobs, starting families, new relationships, it seems that nearly everyone I know is moving up in life. And I’m just here. Stuck. Trying to keep my head above water. Trying to build a business that’s just not going anywhere, no matter how hard I work, how many things I try. Seeing all these new businesses in my field that have sprung up with sub-par work, yet they’re the ones getting all the clients, using techniques that aren’t working for me. I’ve been trying for years now. Am so tired, and feel like a failure. A fraud. Maybe I’m just not good enough.

So far away from everyone I know. Longing for a hug. A warm hand to hold. If only for a day.

4 thoughts on “Nightmares & The Dark

  1. Sounds beyond miserable. I’m sure many would provide you with a hug if they could. It is a challenging time to start a business. Your therapist sounds like a champion. You are brave. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry I didn’t see this earlier–I haven’t been on WP as much as I used to. It’s been just over a week now, and I really, really hope that you are feeling better than you were when you wrote this. It sounds so hard, so bleak. I definitely know about the staying up late, about not sleeping more than a few hours a night. I did that for YEARS. It’s only in the last couple of months that my sleep has been improving. It really helped to get off that horrible Effexor. (Are you on any med that might be messing with your sleep, btw?)

    And that feeling of being alone, I know that too. It’s getting better, but there are times when I fall back into it despite my efforts. It’s just so hard, after forming our brains early on in situations that made us feel alone, abandoned, and afraid. It takes such a long time for our brains (and bodies) to learn that we are safe now, that there are people who care about us, that it is possible for us to make connections.

    I see how much you are suffering. You are not a failure, not a fraud. You are a woman who is suffering. You are a pure and beautiful being at your core–we all are, and the world can sometimes hide the light of who we are from us, but it can’t extinguish it. That light is always there. I honestly do believe that, about myself, and about you.

    Hugs, if you want them, Q.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I’ve always struggled with insomnia, but since I’ve been on Seroquel for the past few years, it’s helped A LOT. I forgot to take it one evening and barely slept… couldn’t understand why I was struggling so much. But then at 5am I realized that I hadn’t taken my Seroquel. Took it then (bad idea at that hour) and slept until 3pm! So my sleep would be even worse if I didn’t take it anymore. Sending you a huge hug!

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