It Just Is.

I’ve reached a point where I just can’t fight anymore. With anyone in my head or against anything. I don’t have the strength for that anymore. It’s also just a waste of time.

Decided that I need to let go of a friend who keeps hurting me and did something behind my back that felt like a huge slap in the face. I held on to that relationship because I’m so damn desperate for connection that I was willing to put up with her behaviour toward me and some other people in my life. I can’t do that anymore. I won’t.

I seem to have regressed to my childhood and adolescent ways of coping. Daydreaming and being content in my own world. I can control everything that happens there. And I’m actually okay with that. It feels like a good thing. It’s comfortable and warm being there. Familiar. It got me through rough times, so while some might think it’s not healthy, to me it is. I’ve realized that I’m better off by myself, and will just keep doing what I need to. Let the world go on around me. That’s how life works after all. We go with the flow. If someone wants to meet up for coffee or whatever, I’ll obviously go along with it. But no more reaching out myself. It’s been pointless 99% of the time after all.

Not sure when I’ll see my therapist again because of the maternity leave. But I’m okay with that now. I’ve also decided to not see the interim therapist again. Need a therapy break anyway. Managed fine without it for most of my life, so at the moment therapy feels kind of pointless. Don’t want to run the risk of forming an attachment with the interim therapist as well. Attachment is too complicated and painful.

Probably going to start packing today for yet another move on Thursday. Will be moving into a much cheaper place. I’m usually super anxious with moving, but been numb since yesterday afternoon when it seems I finally settled into this state of not really caring. It’s a comfortable numbness.

So I’m okay.

Thanks to all of you who read and comment on my posts. 🙂

10 thoughts on “It Just Is.

  1. Rayne, I agree, people are unreliable and self-interested. When I admitted that I am no different, I learned to appreciate the time with myself, without relying on others for whatever I was seeking from them, as I had become fine with or without. Observing and revering the rhythm of nature is where I derive the most satisfaction. From what you’ve written It seems you’re thinking about turning within is helping and I agree.

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    1. I’ve always needed my alone time. If I don’t get enough of it I become overwhelmed and can’t function. It’s my happy place, where I can indulge my special interests. But there’s also a limit to how much solitude a person can take without meaningful interaction with others. Throughout my life I didn’t have people I could rely on, so I pretty much dealt with everything by myself. It’s been a lonely road. But that’s not healthy either. We need people. Too bad some of us don’t get to have someone who can be a proper support (of course we have support in therapy, but we also need outside sources). So it’s not really about wanting someone (or people) to live our lives for us, but about having at least one person who you know has your back no matter what. That’s the part that frustrates me. I always try to be that person for others, but it’s never been reciprocated. The problem is that I give too much of myself, at the expense of myself sometimes, and allow others to take advantage of me. Still learning how to stop being a pushover.

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      1. I have found this too. I’ve resigned myself to just be who I am and not expect others to be anything other than who they are, and believe that is the way it’s supposed to be right now. If I expect more I’m always disappointed, so I try to limit my expectations and be grateful for what I’m facing. I’ve found that help comes from unexpected sources

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  2. I completely share your sentiments. There comes a point in your life where you have to stop being the emotional punching bag to those that are oblivious to take shots at you daily and continuously hurting you. It took me alot longer to realize this myself and realize my worth to where my feelings were actually priority for myself and not to feel bad about it. Also not being one to rely on others and finding myself as my best support system is a superpower in my mind, lol. It’s not something that can be easily mastered but once you got it down, noone can touch your without you allowing them to do so and that level of self-power/control is amazing.

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    1. I’ve basically never been able to rely on anyone, so nothing new there. I’m not a great support system to myself… I sure try, but it’s not easy. But I guess my superpower is that I’ve survived this long and never give up. Thanks for your comment. 🙂

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      1. It may not be easy but like you said…. You’ve gotten this far and never gave up. Never give up on yourself because at the end of the day, YOU are what keeps you going. I’ve followed your journey for a very long time (couple years actually), I just recently came back to wp and was glad to see you’re still growing. I can’t wait to see what life has Instore for you and I’ll be right here cheering you on. Thank you for having me. 😊

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  3. I identify with things feeling pointless at times. I think that when my thoughts have escalated to completely negative and automatic, there seems to be little reason for trying to shush them. But under all that negative thinking there is a point somewhere, even if it’s something small. Like how you stuck up for yourself is learning your assertiveness. I don’t know, just a thought. I too like being alone more but I’m trying to push myself out of that here and there.

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