Light and Wilderness

Life is strange. I am strange. I had forgotten that there was a pandemic going on. And that it was the Easter weekend. How did that happen so quickly? Didn’t the year basically just start?

I had run out of food and some other necessities, and managed to return to the real world just in time to sort that out.

I had made an appointment with the interim therapist and only discovered it the next day. Way to go dissociation! But I think it was the right thing to do. So, my brain does have my back sometimes it seems.

The move? Didn’t happen. Two days before the time, I woke up to a message saying that due to unforeseen circumstances they had to cancel. For the first time in days I actually felt something. Not sure what that feeling was. But I couldn’t stop laughing. Weird. The place I was currently staying in had someone moving into it the day after I left, so couldn’t stay. I spent hours trying to find another place, but most of those I found within my budget were already booked. At some point during this process, panic showed up.

Funny thing is that up until then I had only managed to pack one big box, which was just less than half my stuff. So no need now to rush-pack after all.

I phoned M, because I knew she had a spare bedroom, and explained the situation to her. Asked if I could just stay for the month of April while I find another place or wait for one of them to have a room available again. I was going to pay her upfront for that month of course. She told me that it’s not a problem, but she’ll let me know for sure later that day. I was a bit worried because the guy who’s renting from her (and is like her surrogate son, subconsciously replacing her son who passed away, in my opinion) is rude to everyone but her. Even M’s friends don’t like him, saying he’s manipulative. I agree with that, but it’s her life. I was sure that she meant it when she said she was okay with it, but that the “I’ll let you know for sure later today” was so she could discuss it with him.

Late that evening I got a message from her with nothing but two links to places found on a local marketplace website (a website where dodgy people love hanging out). The places were old listings. Not helpful. When she didn’t reply to my message, I knew… that was her way of saying it wasn’t going to happen. So now I had that evening and one day to find another place. And you can’t call people at that time of the evening. I was pissed off. Hurt. Overwhelmed. Exhaustion hit me and all systems went offline again. Don’t tell me something is okay, and then change your mind, but not talk to me about it in a truthful and direct manner. Ignore me. Why do people play games like this? Just come straight out and say “no” or whatever it is you want to say. The worst part of it is that M knows that I need honesty and openness. Even if it hurts, I handle it.

My two best friends were also going to be moving the same day I was due to. I phoned them to ask if they could possibly help me out. But since it was a new place they didn’t want to ask the landlord whether it would be okay to have another person move in as well. They actually made the effort to have the open and honest discussion with me, so I have no ill-feelings towards them.

Thankfully my last shot was my saving grace. I went to speak to the owners of the place I’m currently staying in and explained the situation. Asked whether there was any other way. Or knew of any other places I could stay. The lady said that she’d see whether they could make a plan. Turns out that the guy that was going to be staying in my place was only going to be here for a week. The owners managed to sort it out with him, so I could stay. I can’t explain the relief and gratitude I felt. It worked out!

When I had first found that other place I was anxious (moving is stressful, no matter how great the move), but excited to be moving back to an area I knew and loved and was so close to the beach, bus service, M and doggy. That place was also dog friendly, so M’s precious little girl could stay with me for a few days and we could go for walks on the beach (which was only 5 minutes away). I was also planning on volunteering at the dog shelter again as I could actually get there by bus.

So yes, while I’m extremely grateful that I have a roof over my head, I’m also very disappointed that that place hadn’t worked out. But such is life and there’s nothing I can do about it. Oh, and I have to stay here now until I finally get to move to Sweden, as my dad doesn’t want anything like that happening again.

I’m still floating between here and nowhere. Some days I’m actually able to work and study for 10-30 minutes at a time here and there. So that’s good at least. Every little bit helps. When your executive functioning is in a state of disorder, you’ve got to take the small wins when they occur.

My uncle is still in hospital. But apparently there are some good signs for a change. Wish I could see him. Sent him a message and asked my aunt to let him listen to it. That’s better than nothing.

I don’t feel the connection with my therapist anymore. It’s like it just vanished. Like she never really existed. Yes, that again. But it doesn’t feel bad anymore. I’m thinking that it’s only temporary and a product of my self-protective mode. She said she’ll be back, and I want to believe that exclusively, but I don’t. I also don’t believe that she won’t come back. There’s not really any emotion going on with regards to this. We’ll see what happens.

5 thoughts on “Light and Wilderness

What's on your mind?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s