I wish I could believe this quote.
I’ve been somewhat in survival mode for so long that it feels I’ll never get out of it. That there’s no end in sight.
My childhood was one of survival. I always thought that once I was out of that stage of my life I would be okay.
But it kept happening. I kept finding myself just trying to be okay from one day to the next.
Is this how it’s always going to be?
Sure, for a month or so here and there I really am okay. Things seem to be getting better. Only for them to blow up once again. I don’t know how long I can keep going this way.
When hope suddenly shatters and turns into despair.
The worst of it is that I’m alone in the struggle. That I have to try to pick myself up, because I know there’s no one else to help me on this journey. No one by my side. Sure, there’s my therapist. But that’s so heavily boundaried, and I’m not even sure about that relationship anymore either. Things don’t feel right. Things have changed.
All I can do is try to get through tonight, every night. Alone.