How Can I Believe?

I wish I could believe this quote.

I’ve been somewhat in survival mode for so long that it feels I’ll never get out of it. That there’s no end in sight.

My childhood was one of survival. I always thought that once I was out of that stage of my life I would be okay.

But it kept happening. I kept finding myself just trying to be okay from one day to the next.

Is this how it’s always going to be?

Sure, for a month or so here and there I really am okay. Things seem to be getting better. Only for them to blow up once again. I don’t know how long I can keep going this way.

When hope suddenly shatters and turns into despair.

The worst of it is that I’m alone in the struggle. That I have to try to pick myself up, because I know there’s no one else to help me on this journey. No one by my side. Sure, there’s my therapist. But that’s so heavily boundaried, and I’m not even sure about that relationship anymore either. Things don’t feel right. Things have changed.

All I can do is try to get through tonight, every night. Alone.


6 responses to “How Can I Believe?”

  1. I heard this week from a friend whose mother-in-law is in her country and yours, describing the chaos there. I can only imagine the situation making each day an effort to continue to survive. You have my sympathies, Rayne.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Maybe find a better quote? Perhaps you can feel less alone by thinking of yourself among the community of survivors. Remember other low point of despair when you finally rose up. Nothing lasts forever. The fog eventually lifts, if only for a while. Words connect us. “And thus the heart will break, yet brokenly live on.” Lord Byron

    Liked by 2 people

    • I was just catching up on some friend’s Facebook updates when I came across this quote, and just felt like writing. The thing is, I’m lonely because of the lack of physical contact. I’m part of various support groups, but it’s just not the same behind a screen. I don’t have family here anymore, can’t have a pet, and have very absent friends who continually cancel, so that feeling of just having a physical presence near me is the one I crave. Thanks for your comment. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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