Hi, and thanks for stopping by!
I don’t want to go into detail on this page, so let me give you a short background of myself, and how this blog came about.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with depression. There were plenty of times, especially in my teen years and my 20’s, when I considered suicide. There were times where it was all I could think about for days. Researching. Planning. Yet somehow (I don’t always remember how) I made it through relatively unharmed. There were plenty of instances where self harm was my ‘therapy’.
Now, in my early 30’s, it felt as though my life had spiraled out of control once again, as though I was losing my mind. Extreme episodes of overwhelming negative emotions became more frequent. At other times, I felt that nothing mattered anyway. So what if I lose my mind? So what if I didn’t exist anymore? I knew if I didn’t do something about this once and for all, I might not make it through this time.
It was March 2016.
Like I had done so many times before, for the past couple of years, I went on a search for a psychologist. This time I came across one I had never seen before. Something clicked. I went through her website a few times. There was something about her that drew me in. A few days later (it could have been longer), and one evening after a couple glasses of wine I found the courage to contact her. We set up an appointment for the next day.
The first time I met her I felt an instant connection. I’ll still explore that in posts, as it’s complicated and is something that has a major effect on me. Our first meeting she told me she suspected a personality disorder. I didn’t really bother too much about that then, because I was fascinated by her. She was the center of my mind and world. It wasn’t until a later session, in April, that she discussed my diagnosis with me. I knew we were going to talk about it that session, so the weekend before, I did some research. I was curious. I could identify with a few of the personality disorders, but one in particular knocked the breath right out of me. Borderline Personality Disorder. The more I read, the more I wanted to. I had mixed reactions. Horror: I don’t want this! Relief: Things make so much more sense now. I went into our next session both wanting to hear my therapist confirm that I’m right in assuming it was BPD, and also hoping that it wasn’t. I’m a walking contradiction. I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. But that one didn’t come as a shock.
Being ‘new’ to this BPD world, I have trouble using and recognizing some of the terms sometimes, but we all start somewhere, right? I was inspired by another blogger who writes on this topic, and realized that starting this blog might be therapeutic. I have always found writing to be the one activity I can get lost in for hours at a time. That’s a big thing, considering that my attention span is usually equivalent to that of a 3 year old.
I dedicate this blog to everyone who shares one or both of these challenges. Or any mental health challenge for that matter. If someone manages to find their way here, and finds something valuable in my writing, or can relate to something, it will be worth it.
For a few different reasons I have decided not to disclose my identity or those of whom I write. No names, but if you see any, they’re most likely pseudonyms.
We might not always believe this, but there is hope. Like a lighthouse… It’s light can be seen shining during even the most turbulent of storms.
And so I begin my journey to greater awareness, discovery and ultimately… healing.
Disclaimer: I am not a professional. All views and opinions expressed on this website are my own personal experiences or second hand accounts and does not constitute professional or medical advice and views. This site may trigger susceptible individuals, so please read with caution and take care.
What’s on your mind?