I don’t trust anyone.
Because people lie. They say things when they mean the opposite. Make promises they don’t keep. They disappoint and hurt you.
Yes, I’m selfish. Because that’s what I need to be right now.
Don’t know where to turn anymore. Don’t know how trust will ever be restored.
So fuck it all.
I hadn’t realized that the clock had struck twelve until I heard the first fireworks go off in the distance.
Alone, I had been in my own world again.
That, exploring the universe in my mind, has marked the so-called holiday season and new year for me. There were two video calls with family during that time, but I still felt disconnected. It’s been a strange time. As though the world outside my room didn’t exist. It was just me, here, alone. Everything else was just a dream. I had thought I was maybe depressed. But I’m not sure what I was. Or am.
My first therapy session back last week, it was as though I had just woken up. Emotions and thoughts I hadn’t thought much about during my solitude spilled out. I was shocked at all these feelings and words coming out of me in that room. Had I been so disconnected, even from myself?
Sitting there, I had to resist the urge to get up and throw my arms around my therapist. I just wanted to feel physically close to her. A deep longing that made me want to curl up in a ball and die, knowing it wasn’t going to happen.
After the session, everything just stopped again. As though a door in my mind slammed shut.
There are hardly any emotions, yet every now and then I feel this wave of “death is clarity and peace” sweep over me. It’s in my dreams. It’s in the air.
Sorry to my unknown.
You might have noticed that I’ve made a lot of my previous posts password protected. I’ve been thinking of doing that a lot over the years, but now I feel it’s necessary. In today’s digital world it’s becoming easier and easier to get private information from people and determine their identity from the various things we put out there. I feel I have used too many identifiable marks in this blog through the years, therefore making it easier for someone to perhaps “recognize” me… The wrong person, or people.
I’ve had various scary experiences online which shook me, and I don’t want to have to go through something like that (or similar) again (I’m still dealing with one of them). I’ll continue to write personal posts, but will be more careful about the type and amount of details I’m putting out there, so I don’t have to resort to protecting any more posts.
If you’re a regular reader and would like access to these posts, you can contact me to request the password.
Since the post I wrote on meeting up with Elizabeth again earlier this year, I’ve seen her a few more times. We always end up staying together for hours. But I’ve realized something. I don’t have feelings for her at all anymore. The times we meet up, I’ve initiated it. It’s on my terms. We exchange voice notes often, but it sometimes takes me days to reply. Just because I don’t feel the desire to talk to her. Well, it’s not just her… I’ve become terrible at replying to my messages from anyone.
I’ve been going through a challenging period in my life the past couple of weeks and I’m not sure about anything anymore. I had a therapy session today and when my therapist asked what had suddenly made me emotional at some point, I wasn’t really sure how to answer that. Because I’m not sure myself. I did mention some stuff, but I couldn’t seem to find all the words for everything that was going through my mind and to verbally express how I was feeling.
One of those things is about Elizabeth. I feel like I’m just using her. I never thought I’d be one of those people. But here I am. And I don’t even feel guilty about it, like I would have in the past. I call her when I get lonely. Not because I want to see her, but because I want to experience that intimacy she provides when we’re together. When we’re sitting having drinks and she has her arm around me, or holds my hand. There are no feelings involved, other than the physical sensations of her soft skin, the warmth of that. Relishing in that. But no emotional feelings. I feel emotionally empty. Especially with regards to her. I don’t trust her either. We discuss how we’re both enjoying being single, but intimacy is missed sometimes. Even though neither one of us wants to be in a relationship at this point in time, I find our moments together satisfying. But once we part ways, I’m glad to be without her again.
The evenings never go further than that. Although she slept over at my place on Sunday evening, it was more a case of convenience. We slept in separate rooms. I have no interest in sexual intimacy with her. Not with anyone. In that, I feel broken. Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to share those parts of my story.
I feel like I’ll never be able to love anyone again, not in the romantic sense of the word at least. I’m feeling disconnected from life. From myself. From love in general. And I’m not sure how to break through this glass wall. I see those people I care about through it, but I can’t reach them. They, along with my more “human” emotions, are out of reach most of the time these days. That little crack in the glass during my session was quickly mended and now I’m just empty again.
I came across this article in my inbox this morning and wanted to share it on my blog. I really appreciate the way Annie approaches this subject with empathy. All her posts are worth a read and I can highly recommend her blog.