Dear Death

Dear Death,

You may think you’ve won. You tried to beat me down. You sent all the storms you could throw at me, trying to get me to give up. You knocked me down, you bruised me, but I got up again. You almost had me a few times, but I defeated you over and over again.

You sent an army. But I have something you’ll never have. I have Love. Love stood by my side. I was never alone.

You’re angry with me. Well, I’m angry too.

But I will use this anger to show you just how strong I am. To continue fighting your darkness.

You can throw all the bad memories and nightmares at me that you want. But I won’t give up. I may fall apart, I might break, but give up… I won’t give you the satisfaction. The power.

I may be overwhelmed and broken right now, but I will not give in to you. I will not be kept down. I will rise again, and when I do I’m going to take the world by storm.

One day you’ll get what you want. But not today.

Today I choose Life.

Aftermath

She sleeps
But gets no rest
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t look at them
The glass shatters
Cutting her open

Blood stains on the floor
She hides her eyes
So the real bruises
Can not be seen
Who lives in this body?
It does not belong

Whispers in the dark
Silent screams echo in her mind
The sword of darkness
Piercing the inner thread
Of all she once was
Only shattered pieces remain

She will hide underground
Hide from the world
Not daring to step outside
A touch frightens her
But oh how she longs
To have you hold her hand

She will see the light soon
Now only a distant memory
Lay here with her
Sleep in the darkness
Together
Until sunrise

Gone

I wish I could make myself disappear.

It’s all too much. I want to sleep and never wake up.

A darkness so thick and overwhelming I don’t know where I am.

I’ve been trusting these past few weeks. Far too trusting. Now wounds have been opened, and attempts to close them are not working. I want to say “fuck it all”, “fuck you world”, and climb back over that disintegrating wall in an attempt to fix it. Safe behind it. At least partly safe until it’s back to its full strength. Allowing myself to climb over the wall, and having people hammer away at it at the same time might just have been my biggest mistake.

I don’t know if I can be healed or “fixed”. I don’t even know if I’m broken. Maybe it’s all just an illusion. Maybe none of this is real anyway. Maybe I have lost my mind, and my body is lying motionless somewhere, with everything going on only in my head.

A choir of voices filling the oceans within me.
“You’re worthless.”
“I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“How can that possibly upset you?”
“You’re a piece of shit.”
“Children should be seen, not heard.”
“You’re just like them.”
“You’re stupid.”
“Why can’t you be more like … She’s perfect”
“I hate you.”
“Get over it.”
“Stop being a baby and just get up.”
“Your feelings don’t matter right now”
“Can’t you do anything right?”
“I wish you would just die.”

Who’s voices are those? I can’t even tell anymore. It doesn’t even matter. Nothing does.

She just wanted someone to sit with her awhile when she couldn’t get out of bed.
She just wanted to be heard.
She just wanted to be held when the tears were falling fast.
She just wanted to be protected.
She just wanted to be understood.
She just wanted to feel worthy.
She just wanted you to love her.

But she is not here right now.

She’s gone.