I didn’t think I’d be writing here anymore. It sort of felt like I was done with this blog. Apparently not.
A couple of weeks ago one of my uncles passed away from a stroke. While I’ve been heavily affected by the loss on multiple levels, I’ve also found myself contemplating a lot, and been in a very weird, otherworldly headspace.
I have two aunts and one uncle left. Death is so strange. At my age, it seems inevitable that the older members of my family aren’t going to be around forever. That their time is growing shorter at a much quicker rate than when we’re younger and time seems to move extremely slowly. It feels like people are moving past and away from me, while I stay in this life and watch from the sidelines. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to anyone else.
While funerals have always been a confusing and weird event for me, I can also understand their value now. I hardly ever cried at funerals (the tears came during everyday living when I would think about the person and remember/realize they were gone). My thoughts were always that the person isn’t there anymore. That it’s just a body in a coffin. While I still know that, the fact that I couldn’t attend the last few funerals has messed me up even more. There’s no closure. It’s just words that people tell you. “They’re gone”. That body in the coffin seems to be a kind of closure, even if the thing that made that person a person is no longer there.
My uncle’s funeral wasn’t streamed live or recorded, so I wasn’t a part of it. What do I do now? I yo-yo between it not feeling real, and getting hit with the realization that it probably is. Probably?
Another thing. Many people feel comforted by the idea that their loved ones are looking down on them, or are with them in spirit. I don’t. Because I can’t get the thought out of my head that the person is well and truly gone. And, if they are still around in spirit, it’s not enough. It just makes me feel angry for some reason that I’ve yet to figure out. So to me, when a person is gone, they’re gone.
The memories are still there though. That’s one thing that doesn’t ever go away.