Shatter

Something so small.

A ‘healthy’ boundary set firmly in place.

My frustration and sudden anger. Trying to hide it, so she can’t hear.

My heart ripping into pieces. Shattered.

Finely tuned to every little subtlety in her voice. Searching…

How can something so small seem so big?

How can something so small feel like the deepest rejection?

How can someone I love so suddenly turn into someone I want to push and keep away?

How can the world turn dark again so very quickly?

A Missing Piece

Woke up this morning with a deep sadness that seemed to have taken over my entire body. I couldn’t move. I don’t know how long I just lay in bed feeling a heaviness that pinned me down and wouldn’t let go.

Then it hit me. I’m missing something. Someone. Today I feel the loss of all I recently left behind on a whole other level.

I’m missing a piece of me.

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I miss our “children”… Our two dogs. They could drive me crazy at times. But just looking into those soulful little eyes, was enough to dissolve the anger and frustration. Those little guys who would climb all over me and lick me half to death whenever I was sitting or laying on the floor crying.

I miss our house. The way we redecorated so that I could feel it was my house too. The kitchen that I always complained about being too dark. The living room where we would sit and watch series after series. Movie after movie. Every room with it’s own special function and memories. The garden, where we pitched a 10 man tent just to see what it looked like, then took it down that same day, afraid the dogs would damage it.

I miss our little town. Where I knew most of the roads and the different ways to get to specific places. Where I knew where the cops would usually sit and then drive like a normal human being when approaching those areas. The mall that was always too busy. Where it felt like most people living in the town didn’t work, because how can a mall constantly be busy, even at 10am on a week day?

None of this ‘ours’ anymore. But now only a part of my memories.

Most of all I miss the girl I had both loved and hated at different moments during our relationship. The little things she did that I loved. Even those annoying habits that drove me crazy.

This sadness is crushing. I haven’t been able to get rid of it, not even for a moment. It’s always there. Hidden. Behind a wall that’s slowly starting to crack. It’s all there. Building up. But I desperately need a release right now.

To the girl I left behind. The girl I walked away from. The girl who will never read these words:

I miss you so damn much.

Friends and Good Therapy

Today is a good day.

Had a therapy session yesterday, and the wonder that is my therapist, managed to help me shake off the depressive and weird head space I’ve been in lately.

This past week, I’ve been avoiding thinking about all I left behind. Occasionally something would remind me, especially while unpacking and packing. I would have a few minutes of agonizing sadness, without the ability to shed a tear, but would recover relatively quickly. After all, I’ve done this before. I should be used to it by now. Right? But no, each situation is different, and this one I had to do completely on my own. This time I had no one to ‘take care of’ but myself. And this time, it was far more intimate and personal.

I had really needed that session. I felt it had given me a sense of hope again. That things might be hard now, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to stay that way. I can do things to ensure it doesn’t stay that way. I just need to get some structure into my days and life.

Woke up this morning feeling quite positive and lighter than I have in a long time. Met up for coffee with an old friend who I haven’t seen in what feels like forever. You know who you are. 😉 I had forgotten just how good I feel around her. She’s definitely one of those people you need in your life. Someone who builds you up, is fun to be around, really listens, understands, and accepts you just as you are. In short, a truly spectacular person.

One thing I’ve realized in life is that it’s not the quantity of time we spend with people that matters, but rather the quality of that time. That hour yesterday, and the couple of hours today, meant more to me than words can express.

Now that’s the magic of friends and good therapy.