I may have written about this before, but it’s really bothering me today. One of the most frustrating things about myself is that I seem incapable of holding onto an image of a person. I can miss that person intensely. I could have known that person my entire life and seen them nearly every day. Yet, when I try to recall what they look like, there’s nothing but a shadow. That shadow is blurred as well, so there’s no edges or silhouettes providing clues to their facial features, or even their body and the way they move.
When I walked into work on Friday there was a guy sitting talking to my dad. He left about 5 minutes later. I asked my dad who that was and he asked me how I couldn’t know, as that’s the guy that was sitting in the office talking to him for an hour the week before. The thing is, there were moments when that guy was talking the week before that I just stared at him (I enjoy watching people when they’re not aware of me), so you’d think I would have recognized him. Not so. I have to see the person a few times before I recognize them. According to certain people, this isn’t normal. I was once even told it might be ADHD related. That I’m just not paying attention. But that’s not always true. And I don’t have ADHD. Maybe something in my brain is broken. There have been a couple of times where I’ve seen a face in my mind during an extremely stressful moment, such as in a flashback or suicidal moment. I can count those on one hand though.
This has always been a part of my life. I remember a movie I watched as a kid. I can’t remember the name of it now. The boy in the story had just lost his mother, and told his father that he’s afraid he’ll forget his mothers face. The father told him that when you love someone you don’t just forget how they looked or the sound of their voice. This confused me. I thought that maybe it meant that I didn’t love my own mother or grandmother enough to remember what they look like when they weren’t around. Even if I had just seen them recently. I don’t think I ever asked anyone about this, but it haunted me back then.
There are a few people I wish I could “remember”, one of them being my grandmother, but I have to look at a photo if I want to see what she looked like, and I only have one of them. I can remember some exact sentences and things she said to me, but I can’t remember the sound of her voice. This really doesn’t help when you have attachment issues. It’s difficult to hold onto someone, to self-soothe with memories of that smile you got from an attachment figure or loved one for example.
I can’t even see an image of my dad’s face in my mind, and I just saw him an hour ago! Sometimes this thing is a blessing, but most of the time it’s just confusing and frustrating.