This isn’t my usual type of music, but it’s helping me provide release for my emotions and all I feel, without hurting myself, and is keeping the suicidal thoughts at bay. The music that usually helps me get through dark times just isn’t cutting it this time. The intensity of this song so perfectly captures the intensity of all I’m feeling inside. The lyrics hold so much meaning, and can be interpreted in different ways by everyone.
Did a photo shoot for some friends. Wasn’t up for it. Depressed. Did it anyway. They seemed to be having fun. I was on autopilot. Tried to have fun. It wasn’t happening.
Went out for coffee with them afterward. Felt empty. Could barely talk. Good thing they seemed to be talking among themselves enough for my silence to be okay. For me to be invisible. And they didn’t notice a thing. Empty… Lonely… Depressed… Empty.
Supposed to be working on the photo’s. Something I enjoy. But not in the mood.
Just want to disappear. Want to be alone. But so lonely. Don’t want to be alone. Want to curl up into a ball, with a warm hand to hold. Lie with my head on someone’s lap. So cold. Inside and outside. Want to be soothed. Only have myself for that. Don’t want myself. Too much sad to hold alone.
That’s enough for today. Going to rest my face against my special super soft little blanket. Sleep in my therapy “jacket”. Hold onto that special hug. Pull the duvet over my head. Disappear into the dark for a while. Alone. Always alone.
My posts lately have been dark and depressing. A representation of the space my internal life has been occupying. Sometimes, even during the darkest of moments, something or someone may come along that brings a little bit of light that pierces through that dark, heavy cloud, if only for a moment. It’s during these times that it’s so much more powerful.
Today, that light came in the form of a 3 or 4 year old little boy, while I was at work. I usually work in the back office with the people I unfortunately also live with, but I’ve been spending as little time as possible in there for the past two weeks. Since they own the business and I’m “family”, I pretty much do what I want, where I want (my work always gets done, even if I sit outside doing it). Today I was sitting at the front counter doing some filing, when a mother came into the store with her young son. After noticing them (I check that it’s not some dodgy, potentially dangerous person entering the shop) I got back to my work.
You know that feeling you get when someone is watching you? I felt that. When I looked to the side, I found the little man staring at me. I love children, so naturally, I smiled at him and said hello. He didn’t say anything for a few seconds, and what came next melted my heart.
Our very brief conversation:
“Are you a angel?”
“Maybe I am an angel. What do you think?”
“I think you are.”
Quite the little charmer, isn’t he?
That kid will never know just how much he touched someone who was in desperate need of a little sunshine in her life.
He was my own little angel today.
They say “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. A temporary problem? How about years of “temporary problems”? Being hit time and time again. It’s not just one problem that pushes most people off the edge. It’s the problems that we’re stuck in for weeks, months, years. It all adds up. What then if you’re the problem? Well, then you’re screwed.
There’s only so far that a person can be pushed before they break.
“I’m a temporary problem”. Let them put that on a pretty little picture for google.
This unwelcome feeling seeps into my soul. Where did it come from, and will it ever go?
It’s not a thought, nor is it really a desire. It’s a feeling that haunts me day by day.
Constantly lurking in the shadows. It’s presence can be felt even on the best days. I can’t stand feeling this way, and it never really goes away. Always lingering.
I don’t want to live.
She will escape to a place where the dreamers lie
Those who dreamed to escape the darkness of life
Now peaceful, calm and far from this world of pain
Dreams that mean nothing, dreams that only hurt
This daydreamer can’t dream anymore. She’s lost
Her dreams are empty. She has nothing left to give
Her life has gone. To the place where the dreamers lie.
Maybe I’m good enough.
But never quite enough.
It’s just not enough.