Life & Road Trips

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A comment by one of my blogger friends reminded me of this post. It was one of the first I published on this blog so most of you wouldn’t have read it. I’m also reblogging it because I needed that message today.

Journey Toward Healing

Being in a contemplative mood tonight, I want to write a post regarding a few things from my recent experience, as I wrote about in my first post Goodbye’s.

I was going to be driving approximately 1321 km (820 mi) over the course of 3 days. No one thought my car would be able to make it over 2 days. I’m certainly glad I didn’t attempt to. I had a few problems and had to stop at each and every gas station, but nothing major. The car wasn’t the problem.

Instead of taking the usual highway, I was advised to take a back road instead. I have Google Maps, so we were sure it wouldn’t be a problem.

Oh, but it was.

That first day driving, I spent the majority of the trip crying like a starving baby, and wondering what the hell I was doing. So it certainly didn’t help matters much…

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Up In The Air

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Happy new year everyone. I know I’m a little late to the party but my mind has just been messed up. I’m feeling a lot of confusion over so many things, and haven’t been feeling quite like myself. I feel like I’m a different person. Me, but different somehow. Everything around me feels different. People look different. Sound different. There have been a couple of moments where I’m not even fully sure where I am, even though it’s my own room or another familiar place. It takes a few minutes for my brain to adjust and realize where I am. It’s almost similar to what I experience with dissociation but with an added element of not even recognizing the place at all, not just feeling distant from it. Like the one day, I was reading, and the next minute I was looking around my room aware of being two different ages at once, one under the surface, and panicking because I wasn’t in my room. It turns out that “my room” was the one we lived in when I was in my early teens. Thankfully, this state doesn’t last very long and has only happened a couple of times.

It could be due to stress. My dad told me that we’re going to be moving in February so I must start packing. He doesn’t know where. Just that we have to be out. They’re looking for a smaller and cheaper place (the business is still not doing well). I asked him whether I’ll still be able to have my own room and he said he doesn’t know. So it’s all just up in the air. And when I say all I mean all (work, relationships, etc). Nothing makes much sense. Nothing feels stable.

I’ve been trying to hold onto little things to feel some sense of normality and stability.

Will it end?

Am I?

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Am I awake, or am I asleep

Lost in a dream, floating within

Whispers from all around

Telling me it’s time to wake up

Is that voice real or just an illusion

Am I really in a dream, asleep

Or am I awake where reality doesn’t exist

Am I dead, or am I alive

Am I still breathing

Seeing the body, but there’s no soul

Is this my voice, or just an echo I hear

I don’t know what’s real, what’s not

I don’t know where I am

I don’t know if I am

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A Bad Weekend

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One of the criteria in the DSM for Borderline PD:

9. TRANSIENT, STRESS-RELATED PARANOID IDEAS OR SEVERE DISSOCIATIVE SYMPTOMS.

I posted a “poem” the other day (can’t remember when exactly), and removed it at some point. I kept thinking that the person that post was inspired by would somehow come across it. Actually, I was convinced that would be the case.

How do I know when I’m in a highly stressed and mental health crisis state? That right there. The paranoid thoughts. Lots of them, most of which don’t actually even make sense. Heavy dissociation too. Where I can’t remember certain times of the day. It’s either a blur or a complete blank. That’s how this weekend has been for me.

Shutting myself away from the world has seemed like the only way to stay safe. I got an invitation to go out with one of the woman from group and her friends yesterday, but the thought of being with a group of people I have never met before filled me with extreme anxiety. Even the thought got me close to a panic attack. The next instant though, I just shut down. A numbness set in. Apathy. “No, I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t care about anything anymore.” Another reason I didn’t want to go out with this particular person is because being around her for too long tends to drain me. And it was going to be a full day outing. So I don’t think I would have gone even if I had been feeling fine.

I don’t feel safe. Meaning, I feel a constant threat hanging around me. The world feels dangerous. People feel dangerous right now. I went to the shop yesterday to get some stuff, and PTSD traits were raging.

I can’t begin to explain how I felt yesterday. All I can say is that it felt like torture. I just wanted to peel the skin from my body, slice my head open and remove my brain, kind of torture. I thought I was going crazy. I tried to distract myself and do some self-soothing, but that didn’t work too well either. I wanted a hug from my therapist. I feel safe with her. I wanted Elizabeth too, I missed her. But the relationship feels a little fragile and unstable at the moment, so maybe it’s good that we didn’t see one another this weekend (I’m seeing her tonight at least though). I’ve been feeling really lonely. What I wouldn’t give to just have someone around when I’m going through these “crisis” moments. I read blogs by some of you about how wonderful a certain person was during a moment like this, and how much it helped, and I must admit… I get a little sad and jealous when I read these things. I’m glad some people have that, I just wish I could experience this too.

I’m still feeling fragile today, but it’s not as bad as it was over the weekend, which I’m grateful for.

There are just so many things going on. I wish I could sleep for a few weeks (been struggling to sleep lately).  Life is exhausting right now.

And I’m Back

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Is going to group a habit now? It seems that way. Yesterday was a public holiday, and with me being in the dissociative slump I’ve been in today, it would have been understandable had I forgotten it was group night. But no, I found myself there buying a cappuccino. One minute with my laptop on my lap in my room, the next buying a cappuccino at the clinic coffee shop. Well done! I’ve figured out why I was still able to get to group and be responsible with my mental health upkeep while not fully being “Rayne”, but that revelation is for another day… And maybe just for my therapist, I haven’t decided yet.

I was dissociated for the first one and a half hours, and then slowly started to become grounded during the last half hour. Last week I had left group just after the break, because I started dissociating quite heavily and was unable to ground myself. For some reason I thought it best to go home before it got too bad, but in hindsight, it would have been better to stay. I can’t remember anything after having gotten up and walking outside the clinic toward my car, and before finding myself eating my supper in bed. Having lived with this kind of thing for as long as I can remember, I know to always check the time once I come around and realize I’ve lost time. So I did drive straight home from group.

I need to get to bed now, but will write more about this tomorrow if I’m able to. My posts of late have been a bit cryptic, and I think I’m now able to write about what’s been going on.

Oh, and I had an amazing (almost-completely-dissociation-and-mental health crisis-free) day with Elizabeth yesterday “celebrating” our first month together as a couple. Despite my mental health being what it has been lately, our relationship just keeps growing and getting better, and I truly feel lucky.

Sinking

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My mental health has deteriorated since having come off my mood stabilizer. I don’t feel like I’ve got a grasp on who I am today. I’m not one, I’m two, so closely bound, yet so very different.

“Where are you today? You look weird, like you’re on a whole other planet.”

Yes dad. I don’t know where I am today. I don’t feel I am. I’m going home to sleep. Bye.

Running Confused

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I started writing an article for a mental health website, and wanted to find the correct term for something I experience. I did my research, and something happened. It opened up a lot of questions and has led to some confusion. I’ve also started reading a book on a completely different topic, and it’s also opened up a lot of things. Two seemingly unrelated things that might actually relate.

I’m sitting here getting frustrated trying to explain what I’m on about. I can’t even make enough sense of it to write it. I’ve been going in and out of states/being… And it feels like there’s an inner war going on with “me”. I’m not sure who or where I am right now. So I’m going to leave this for another time.

Therapist is on leave so we can’t even talk to her. I need to talk to her. She’s the only one who knows me and has lots of my puzzle pieces. At least I think so.