Feeling The Heart Of The Little One

Little lost girl…
Stranded on an island, with no one in sight
Abandoned…
And no hope of ever being rescued

I am her
And she is me
But I don’t know how to save her

I Tried. I’m Trying.

Where did I go?
I’m a stranger.

Waking up in the morning. Sitting outside with my coffee. Trying to be mindful and focus on the quiet and the cold air on my skin. Telling myself over and over again. “Today is going to be a good day”.
I’m trying.

The positive voice having been drowned out hour by hour. Exhausted with the effort of trying to keep it alive throughout the day. Going to sleep at night. Wishing not to wake up. I tried.

Wanting to join in the conversation. Can’t make sense of what they’re saying. Sounding so far away. Wanting to connect. Afraid to connect. I smile anyway, not hearing a word.
But I’m trying.

A touch on my back by someone non threatening. My blood running cold. Fear taking over. Backing away. The shock on his face. Wanting to apologize. The words wouldn’t come.
I tried.

I did all my work today. How? I have no memory of having done any of it. But I did it.
I’m still trying.

Emotionally empty. A thick fog surrounding me. Yet acutely aware of the physical. Feeling sick. Have to get up and move. Body aching.
I tried.

Cold inside. Frozen. Sitting in the sun. But the rays can’t penetrate.
I’m trying.

Getting confused about everything. Struggling to remember even why I’m doing what I’m doing in a given moment. Everything a blur. Doing grounding work. But I can’t focus.
I tried.

This heart, once so full of love and care. Now feels like a shadow. Maybe it’s been ripped out. Needing to find the light again. But it’s gone.
I’m trying.

I wanted to make her proud of me. Believe in me. Doing all the things we spoke about. I failed at it all.
At least I tried.

“Just keep breathing.” Breathing hurts.
But I’m trying.

I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want anything from anyone. I don’t want me.

Trying to be inspiring. Positive. Full of light. Love. But I can’t. Not today. I just don’t care.

Wanting to curl up on the cold floor. Just lay there for an eternity.

I don’t have the energy to think of suicide.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to die.

My ‘Dear Death‘ post now feels like a distant memory. I’m writing a new letter. A simple one.

Dear Life
Let me go.

Free

Nowhere to run
Nowhere to hide
Push away the sun
Keep the dark inside

Too many voices
Too many tears
Do I have any choices
Does life determine my years

Push away the images
But they follow at night
Trying to build bridges
While I desperately fight

What’s real, what’s not
Am I here, or am I there
Feeling ice cold, now what
I can’t handle the suns glare

Fear quickly follows shame
I’m so damn confused
Tell me who’s to blame
I feel so terribly used

What’s happening to me
Over and over it goes
I just want to be free
Free as the wind that blows

What Is This Feeling?

I can’t quite describe the way I’ve been feeling today. I tried to put it on a mood scale, but it seems there’s no way ‘this’ can even be placed on that scale. I don’t even know whether it’s a feeling. It can’t even be described as emptiness. So then, what is it?

Tonight I’m experiencing something that I’m finding hard to put into words and make sense of. I don’t think I’ve really had this before… At least not like this. I don’t know what it is. But it’s a fading in, fading out, type of experience. I keep finding myself back at a specific moment in time. It’s not a significant moment.

Growing up, we moved around a lot. I’ve lived in a lot of different places. So for most of my adult life most of those places, the houses, all seemed to merge and I struggled to separate which was which. But now I remember that house, that specific room, in vivid detail.

I’m a teenager in high school, somewhere between 16 and 17 and I’m standing in the middle of this room… My room. She’s just standing there. I’m reliving a moment, only there’s nothing to relive. I am both watching ‘her’ from the outside, and being her. She is emotionally shut down, yet the mood surrounding her on the outside is permeating every inch of the room. The very air itself, isn’t air so much as it is emotion. An overwhelming sense (feeling?) of sadness and loneliness washes over me. Leaving as fast as it came. There’s something else there. Only I can’t see it. But I can sense it. Fading out. Fading in. She’s sitting on the bed reading a book. Only she’s not really reading. Her mind is somewhere else, as though separate from her. A body without a soul. I want to reach her, but I can’t. I am her. I’m finding it hard to separate the me ‘now’ and the me ‘then’. Hence the fading in, fading out I mentioned earlier.

It comes and goes. Leaving me with that ‘feeling’ I’m not sure even exists.

The Familiar Taste Of Poison

This song represents a few different things for me.

We long to be free. But during agonizing, vulnerable times, we’re unable to resist the pull.

The Familiar Taste of Poison

“Drink the wine, my darling” you said
“Take your time, and consume all of it”
But the roses were only to drain my inspiration
The promises were spoiled before they left your lips

And I breathe you in again
Just to feel you underneath my skin
Holding onto, the sweet escape
Is always laced with the familiar taste
Of poison

I tell myself that you’re no good for me
I wish you well, but desire never leaves
I could fight this till the end
But maybe I don’t wanna win

I breathe you in again
Just to feel you underneath my skin
Holding onto, the sweet escape
Is always laced with the familiar taste
Of poison

I don’t wanna be saved
I don’t wanna be sober
I want you on my mind
In my dreams, behind these eyes
And I won’t wake up
No not this time

I breathe you in again
Just to feel you underneath my skin
Holding onto, the sweet escape
Is always laced with the familiar taste
Of poison

A familiar taste of poison