I didn’t want to write on my blog ever again. But here I am. Don’t have the energy to write much. Will write more about what’s been going on at another time. Just need to get this out of my head.
Standing on a high cliff. I had climbed up that cliff with the help of a ladder. Once I reached the top, the ladder fell away, leaving me stranded. It’s a narrow ledge that I’m standing on, and it’s a steep drop from every angle. If I move an inch, I’ll fall. I’m stuck. So I just stand there, trying not to move. But maybe I should.
This unwelcome feeling seeps into my soul. Where did it come from, and will it ever go?
It’s not a thought, nor is it really a desire. It’s a feeling that haunts me day by day.
Constantly lurking in the shadows. It’s presence can be felt even on the best days. I can’t stand feeling this way, and it never really goes away. Always lingering.
I don’t want to live.
I’m at breaking point. I haven’t been in this place in a very long time, and I almost didn’t notice the signs. They’ve have been there for months, slowly building up. My previous post “It’s So Dark” is a good indication of where I’m at, but it’s all come to a head now.
I’m crashing, and if I don’t take time away from everything and everyone, and take care of myself, I’m going to burn out completely.
So I’ve decided turn my phone off tomorrow and stay away from my computer. I’ve spoken to Jasmine about this already, and I’m grateful that she understands that I need to do this for myself. I’m no good for anyone in this state I’m in.
I’ve prepared a list of self-care activities for tomorrow, and none of it requires much energy. Which is a good thing, because I don’t have any energy to spare. I’m exhausted, so on my list is a long nap.
I want to encourage all of you to take a day for yourself every now and then. It’s the best thing we can do for ourselves.
For the past week, I’ve been depressed most of the time. I can’t seem to shake it. I don’t even know where I am sometimes. I’m in a constant state of exhaustion. Feeling disconnected from everyone. I just want to be alone. It’s like someone else is living in my head, my body. Empty one minute, then in tears the next.
I’m thinking that maybe I should switch my medication, or increase the dosage. Because I can’t carry on this way.
I’m going to go watch a movie with Jasmine tonight. One that I’ve been so excited to see, and have been waiting months for. But now I feel nothing. I don’t even want to go tonight. But I’ll have to force myself.
I feel hopeless. I can’t see a future.