A Dizzying Few Weeks

For the past three weeks my stepmom’s parents have been here, which means they’ve been staying in my room. The first week they were here, I stayed at M’s place. She was supposed to be there with me, but went into the clinic a few days before, so I ended up staying there alone. It was nice being alone and away from the family, but I still had to go into work and see them every day. I’ve realized I really can’t live alone because I’m terrified at night, and sleep badly because of that. Maybe having a dog sleep with me will help with that. Maybe I just need a being present in the house.

I saw quite a lot of M during the weekend I was there as she got day passes. We went out for dinner and coffee. I really love this woman. There was a really beautiful moment on Saturday. I had had a bit of a sensory overload situation while we were out, and she just hugged me tightly while I was “shaking like a leaf” (her words). She held onto me for quite a while, which really helped me slowly start to calm down. We went to go sit down, because I was feeling very disoriented. After a while of silence, and when I was starting to feel better (it took a while after I had gotten back, alone, to her place to feel completely better) she started talking to me. I apologized for what had happened, and she told me there was no need to apologize. She told me that she loves me, and sees me as a daughter. That I’m special to her and bring so much joy to her life. When she said this, I didn’t know how to respond. What do I say? Thank you? I love you too? You too? Do you really mean that? What? I was still in a “weird” space, hence the confusion I think. It took a while for me to say “I also love you”, to which she replied, “I know. You show it.” That made me feel better. Okay, so I’m not a complete freak then, I thought. It was only a few hours later when her words really hit me, and I felt the warmth of them. For some reason when I’m in the state of mind I was in earlier, I don’t really feel, and if I do the emotions are dulled.

When I got back to my dad’s house, I spent the rest of the time in my stepbrother’s room, while he slept on the couch downstairs. It was a full house again, and uncomfortable. Had family from Sweden visit as well (my stepmom’s brother who lives in Sweden got married here last weekend), so meeting lots of new people too. Wanted to bang my head against a wall. Okay, maybe I did. It helps, okay, even if I lose a few brain cells in the process! I got my room back this week at least (which is weird, since stepmom’s parents spent one night somewhere else, then came back and slept in my stepbrothers room, leaving this morning) and am only now starting to feel “normal” being in my room again. I still feel a bit all over the place and confused, as if I don’t belong in my own bed, but I’m getting there. I don’t know why my mind struggles with orientation in space (and change) to this degree. Here’s another example of what I mean. There was always a ladder in a specific place in the garage where I park my car. It helps me judge how far in to park. One day my stepbrother had moved the ladder, and when I drove into the garage and it was in a different place that day, a little more to the right, I suddenly panicked. I felt disoriented and stuck. Then I got furious. It took quite a while for me to calm down and realize that I could just move it back. Logically, I know I don’t need that ladder in that specific place in order to park properly, but that logic doesn’t matter to my mind/brain. Everybody now knows not to move that thing, and if they need to use it, put it back where it belongs immediately afterward. Please tell me I’m not the only one who experiences things like this?

I’ve been having a lot more issues with my dad lately too. I don’t back down as much as I used to. I feel stressed and he makes thing worse every day. He’s constantly complaining, criticizing everyone and the country, and being far more negative than is even normal for him. I can’t remember when last something positive came out of his mouth. I just can’t take it anymore. He’s driving everyone (except his darling step-daughter) crazy. I know I need to get out of working there with him, but I still can’t find any other work. Some days I feel I could strangle him. The temptation is huge, but I know I’ll be even worse off in prison. So there’s that.

There’s more I can write about, but I just can’t right now.

On a good and positive note, my uncle and I have started a new tradition. On the first/last Sunday of every month we’re going to take a drive to our favourite place (about an hour away) and have our favourite ice cream and sit on the beach. Tomorrow is that day, so I’m really looking forward to that.

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If You See A Baboon, Get Out Of There!

I took the day off work yesterday. Monday was just too much, and I woke up yesterday morning with major anxiety. I was going to go with my business partner friend later that afternoon on a photography adventure, to go shoot the sunset further down the coast, about an hour’s drive away. So I decided to take the entire day off, and spent most of the morning in bed. So tired, and just wanting to hide from the world. I almost cancelled on my friend, but decided to push through. I wish I hadn’t.

When we got to the area that afternoon, we did some location scouting, which involved lots of walking and climbing. Usually I enjoy that, but not this time. My body was just as exhausted as my mind. My friend eventually found the perfect spot (she’s a professional landscape photographer), where she started setting her tripod and camera up. I wanted to wait a while because I saw a baboon come to sit on a rock a little way away from us, and I wanted to keep an eye on him. I told my friend a few times that we should rather leave. From the beginning I wasn’t feeling comfortable. But she wanted the damn shot. By that time there were a few more of those creatures, but they were further away from us and munching on the vegetation or something. She told me that they look peaceful enough so it would be okay.

Well, it wasn’t. The one on the closest rock started coming closer. I had my friends bag of filters around my neck. Before I knew what was happening the baboon leaped towards me, bearing his teeth and grabbed the bag, ripping the strap off. I jumped forward to try to grab it, but he was too fast and ran up one of the cliffs. My friend started shouting and screaming, but I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk in that moment, let alone shout. She stood at the bottom of the cliff yelling at him to drop it. Well, he did, but all her filters (that cost her thousands) smashed when they hit the bottom. My friend was running around trying to collect the pieces, and then I found my voice, because he was coming down again. I still couldn’t raise my voice much, but managed enough to tell her we needed to get out of there. She told me she first had to collect as many pieces as she could. Suddenly he was down again, lunged toward me, showing his fucking teeth, and I took a big step back or jumped (I don’t remember). He turned away from me and went towards my friend. She had her camera backpack on her back, and I saw he was going after her or it. I reached her and as he grabbed the backpack trying to pull it off her, I tried to hold onto it too, but he was just so fucking strong! He ripped it right off and ran up the cliff again. I just wanted to get out of there. I wanted to run, but I also felt stuck and could only rock back and forth. My feet wouldn’t move. All I could think and say over and over was “we need to leave now, please let’s go”, (I don’t know if I was saying anything out loud or if I was just saying all of this in my head) but my friend was waiting for him to drop the bag as her car keys and wallet were in there.

I don’t remember how it ended, how we got moving, but I remember us walking through mud, rocks and plants and slipping a few times because we weren’t on an actual path. But we got back to the car, with no baboons in sight. I just wanted to go home, but my friend first wanted a drink, and since we were using her car, I didn’t have much of a choice. So we stopped off at some bar, which thankfully was very quiet, only two other people there. I always make sure I have Ativan with me in case I need it, but I had forgotten it! The one day I forget it, is the one day I needed it more than ever before. I had a glass of wine, but I unconsciously downed it way too fast. Added to how I was already feeling, the shock, I was so uncomfortable with my wet jeans, shoes and socks on, but didn’t want to take the shoes and socks off as the floor was filthy and I didn’t have any other pants with me. That on its own is enough to make me lose it, but I got through it. I was so angry with my friend, and I still actually am, but she doesn’t have a clue. I’m mad at myself too.

It was a horrible experience, but at one point (maybe it was the wine) I just started laughing at how fucked up the situation was and told my friend we’d laugh about it in the future. We saw a sign on the wall of the bar “Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out alive”, and we both laughed as if it was the funniest thing in the world. But that quote did bring a certain sense of light comfort at that moment.

I’m glad I got to see my therapist today. I needed to talk to someone who would listen and respond with empathy and compassion, and not like my dad, make me feel even worse about the situation, or my friend, just complaining how unfair it is to be a woman (apparently baboons, especially the alpha males, don’t respect women). I’m aware this sounds irrational, but I feel as if my love of being out in nature has been tainted. I don’t want to go on a hike or even go to the beach, at least for a while. I was already wary being out among the world of people, now I’m also scared of being out in nature.

I’m also really glad that my friend and I got out in one piece and weren’t seriously injured. I wasn’t sure we would. At a certain point I was convinced we were going to be killed. Thankfully, the other baboons just watched and didn’t approach. The crazy thing? She wants to go back for that shot! I told her I’m out. This is the last time I’ll stay in a situation where I’m not comfortable. If I feel uncomfortable, I don’t care if I lose a friend, I will get out of there.

Another thing I’m grateful for is that I had my camera equipment on my back as well, and it remained safe the entire time. It’s strange, but I’m not complaining. In the moment when all this was going on, I didn’t actually care whether he took it though, as long as I made it out alive.

And I did.

I’m glad it’s over. It’s going to take my body and mind a while to really believe it though.

Longing For The Feeling Of Comfort

I can’t sleep. I’ve been trying for a while now, and even though I’m exhausted and can barely keep my eyes open, I feel unsettled and unable to drift off. Usually my night-time meds have me fast asleep within 5 minutes of my head hitting the pillow, so this is quite unusual. I struggled with insomnia for as long as I can remember, but since being on this medication, it’s no longer been a problem.

“Experts” say that we shouldn’t expose ourselves to electronics before we go to sleep, and I did everything right prior to going to bed. I couldn’t sleep, so decided to rather get up and write. Maybe it will help.

Life feels off-kilter. A lot has changed and I’m struggling. It’s not just the therapy change, but things here at home as well. My uncle who used to live with us then moved out, moved back in again. Then my step-brother who had run away to go live with his girlfriend and her uncle, also came back. So for a while it was a full house. Then last month my uncle moved back out again just when I had gotten used to having him around.

I’m back at group again, but it’s all new faces. I don’t know why this affects me so much, but it does. It also doesn’t help knowing that I can only attend a few more before I’m done with the program again. So I don’t want to become used to it. Every time I go I question whether I really should be going. It’s confusing. So many things are confusing and unsettling me these days.

Even having Jasmine back in my life feels strange. Things are different. So is she. But I know that’s normal. People change. Relationships change.

I can’t get rid of this longing for the feeling of comfort. I’ve tried all my usual self-soothing and comforting tricks, but nothing is working. Instead it just seems to be getting worse. I don’t know what more to do. I just want things to feel “normal” again. I want to feel normal.

Anyway, I’m going to try going to sleep again. I’ve been having a lot of disturbing dreams the past while, and a recurring dream from my childhood has also popped up again. I’ll write about that one sometime. In the meantime I’m hoping tonight will just be 8-9 hours of blissful nothingness.

Goodnight.