Time seems to be going by so fast. In a few months time it will be that dreaded time of year again, the festive season, and a couple of months after that, I’ll be another year older.
While time goes by, I seem to lag behind. I’m nowhere near where I want to be in life, but at the same time I have no idea where I want to be in life. It’s a confusing and contradictory mess. But I have a better sense of self now than I’ve ever had. Maybe the rest will come in time.
My mood has been relatively stable, and I feel like I’m in a state of limbo. When I’m in such a place, I find myself reflecting on a lot of things.
It’s been almost one and a half years since I stopped seeing A, my previous therapist. I started this blog while working with her and she was such a huge part of my life. There are days where I still miss her (she’s at least only a text away). But those moments aren’t as intense as they used to be and don’t last as long. The first 8 months were agony, but I made it through with the help, care, and patience of my current therapist. I’m not seeing things from the lens of extreme attachment anymore. When I think about A, I smile (no more tears) now. There’s a fondness there that will never go away. She can never be replaced. Even though our time together, the work, feels like it belongs to a different lifetime. As if I’m a different person now. Perhaps I am.
Therapy with C is going well. It’s safe to say that she knows me better than anyone else does. Her stability and calmness, no matter what’s happening, provides a space where I feel so safe and contained. When my life and mind is chaotic, she brings a much needed sense of peace. She’s my guiding hand, and has helped me see that I have worth and value. That I’m not broken or damaged goods.
It’s been about 6 months since I left home and moved in with my friend M. It’s been quite a journey. But just like a bad habit, there are times when I feel like I want to live at home again. When I want to go back. To my dad. Wait what?! I know, it’s strange, when all I ever wanted was to get as far away from him as I could. My relationship with him has been so much better now that we’re apart. When I visit them I get to leave whenever I feel I’ve had enough. With space I tend to forget all the bad and just see what I’m “missing”. It’s the same way when remembering my ex and those who came before her. All of them have made an imprint on me and that’s something that time and space can’t erase. But I need to remind myself to have a balanced view. There are valid reasons that they’re either not a part of my life anymore, or have limited contact.
Time may be an illusion, a construct, but it has meaning. Value. I have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow, or even an hour from now. I can’t manipulate time. It moves with or without me. And that’s both terrifying and fascinating.