Only Forever

It’s been a while since I’ve been here on WordPress, both in reading other’s posts and writing.

I’ve been absorbed in my business. Trying out different things, reaching out to people who I think might need a website or branding, creating, setting up “practice” websites. Because when I’m in design mode, the world doesn’t exist.

A couple of hours ago, I got hit with the realization that I’ve probably just been wasting my time. I’m doing all this work on my business, but for what? I haven’t had a client in so long that I’m not sure I’ll even know how to talk to them if any show up. It feels like things won’t ever change. So I’m just over it. Over everything.

My move to Sweden is still not happening. It was moving forward a little over a month ago, but it’s stalled again. It seems I’m blocked any which way I go. Limbo is a strange place to be in.

I saw the interim therapist twice again, even though I said I didn’t want to. The last session we had felt like we connected in a way we haven’t before. Haven’t seen her in a few weeks now though.

Am seeing my regular therapist next week Wednesday (which we booked a few weeks ago), for the first time in what seems like forever. I’m not even sure whether I still want to see her. I’ve been feeling indifferent towards her for a while now. I also don’t have my hopes set on that appointment. It might get canceled. So not placing any “bets” on it.

I promised her in an email more than a month ago that I wouldn’t bother her again. And I have this thing where if I make a promise, no matter how much it hurts, or how hard it is, I refuse to break it. I’ve been the victim of too many broken promises throughout my life and vowed to never do that to anyone. A part of me thinks I’m taking it to the extreme. But the other part won’t back down. She has a baby now anyway, so I’m not important anymore. If I ever really was, as far as the therapeutic relationship goes. Everyone has their own lives, that I just don’t feature in. And I’m not owed that. The world doesn’t owe us anything. So it’s fine I guess.

I haven’t seen any friends, or anyone for that matter, in weeks. I guess I’ve been numb for so long now that I don’t even know whether I’m capable of any genuine emotions anymore. But whatever.

Online “connection” feels so fake to me lately. I know it isn’t, not really, but to me lately it feels that way. It’s just not good enough. Social media, people “liking” and “commenting” on photos and video’s. It just seems so superficial. It’s like, what’s the point of anything, you know?

At least I’m not drowning anymore. I’ve learned to breathe under the water. It’s dark, no sunlight reaching the depths. It’s quiet. There’s no struggle. I’m just floating around. It’s not a bad feeling. It doesn’t feel like anything.

Wish I could write an inspirational post for a change (been meaning to for a while), but can’t seem to get there.

I don’t know what to do with myself. The hours are looming before me, so just going to take my meds now and go to sleep.

Under Again

I’m so angry, I want to break and destroy things and certain people. My rage has been so intense and I don’t know any other way to release it in a satisfactory way, other than hurting myself.

I haven’t seen my therapist in over two weeks, and won’t be seeing her tomorrow (and probably next week either). She needs a few weeks to acclimate to motherhood and recover from the operation. She couldn’t give me a set date or time. I don’t deal well with uncertainty, but this specific uncertainty was expected. Doesn’t mean it’s not driving me crazy anyway. The fear that I’ll never see or hear from her again doesn’t help matters.

Saw my psychiatrist last week as I needed a new script. So got to talk to him about stuff at least. But I hold back quite a bit from him for some reason. I don’t feel that comfortable being too vulnerable with him.

My uncle went into hospital after a heart problem. The nurse and doctor made a HUGE mistake that might destroy his future, and that I know he won’t want to live that way. If he even comes out of this alive. All because they didn’t listen. And there’s nothing I can do. I’m too far away, and even if I was there, with this Covid shit, they wouldn’t let me see him anyway. They will pay, even if the rest of the family don’t go ahead with the legal stuff. I’ll make sure of that.

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now, and losing my car has just made me feel even less in control over my life. I can’t just get in my car and go for a drive. Something I used to do when I felt upset. I feel trapped. Useless. Helpless. I’m frustrated with myself because I’m struggling with even the most basic things. Nothing is going right.

I want to see my mom and my sisters so badly too. I haven’t seen them in years. It’s just not fair.

I’m also frustrated and fed up with friends and certain other people in my life. I just want to scream! It feels like I’m losing my mind.

2020, Can’t Wait to Say Goodbye to You

I’m so ready for this year to just be over, and everyone I’ve spoken with seems to feel the same way. Although why things will be different just because it’s a new year, has crossed my mind. It’s a new year after all, not a new life, or a new world. But telling myself, “it’s almost over” does seem to alleviate the burden somewhat.

It’s been a week from hell with things going wrong at every turn. A stroke of bad luck I guess. What is up with the universe? The thing I’m struggling with the most right now is that my car is no longer road-worthy. And with my dad having canceled the insurance a couple of months ago (Murphy’s Law) it’s just been one thing after the other. I had no idea that it had been canceled until I called him to find out the details of the insurance after that accident. I was pissed off! But it is what it is, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. My heart is broken though. I’ve had that car for over 15 years. I know it’s just a “thing”, but we get attached to things, don’t we? To my car, thank you for all the years you’ve given me, the escape I needed at times, the important events you got me to.

So Uber will be my main method of transport from now on, and that fills me with anxiety. My ex and I used to take Uber’s when I was too anxious to drive my car in the city. I didn’t like it, but it was managable having her with me. I have fears around being in a car with someone else driving, and add in a complete stranger, it’s doubled. Not to mention it’s expensive. But as long as I’m able to get to my therapy appointments, I’m happy.

My plans for Christmas with a friend have also been canceled, and there’s no one else, and no where to go. But I don’t really celebrate the day anyway, so I guess it’s not a big deal. I will watch my favourite movies and eat an entire peppermint tart by myself. I’m actually quite looking forward to that. In this time of Covid, no one can judge those of us who spend the holiday alone. It’s even the responsible thing to do, shock!

Stay safe everyone. ❤

In Two Minds

I’ve never really cared about politics. At least not international politics.

That changed as soon as Trump became president of the US. It just never sat right with me. His attitude and disturbing personality grated at me. The way he treated people. Not caring about the environment (something I’m deeply passionate about). And yes, even though he wasn’t my president, the US affects other countries too. I absolutely hated the man. I still do.

Election week saw my anxiety increase to unbearable levels. Think insomnia, waking up at random times to check the status of the results and presidency. It was in one word, agony. And I don’t even live there!

Finally, it’s over. But is it really? There’s still too much crap going on, and a part of me feels like I can only relax come January 20th. I’ve learned valuable lessons as well. People can become unpredictable and down right nasty when it comes to politics. Stay away from social media, and don’t talk to anyone else about it. It doesn’t always end well, especially if you’re on opposite sides of the fence.

But anyway. This post isn’t really about politics.

Things are slowly moving ahead with regards to my emigration. I still don’t have a set date, and the process can still take a couple of months. During that election week, I was so obsessed with what was going on in the US that I didn’t even think of my move. Not once. But once it was over, and I received a simple email the next day regarding the emigration, I was overcome with the most intense rage. Not at the email, at least I don’t think so. I’m still not sure where the rage came from or what it was about. A few minutes later, I just collapsed into a sobbing heap.

It was then that I realized I had partly been using the election as a way to distract myself from the move. And now that it was over, I was once again forced to face it head on.

I don’t know what I want. My entire life I wanted to leave this “Third World” country. That was until I moved to my current city. While I still don’t like the country I was born and raised in, I do like this specific part of it. It’s beautiful here. Yes, our politics is a mess, and of course it’s still part of this place, but it feels a tiny bit better here. Besides, all my friends are here. My therapist is here.

I have people telling me that this move will be a positive and good thing for me. A better future. And for someone with a trauma history, living in such a violent and scary country doesn’t help matters. But it’s what I know. I don’t know what it’s like to not be scared every time I leave the house. To not sleep with a weapon in the bed next to me. In my defense, growing up, we had a few break-in’s and one while we were in the house, sleeping. Also, a close call when I was still living with M. So yeah, I feel better knowing I have my trusty Tazer next to me.

Then there are a couple of people, like my mom and best friend, who agree that while I’ll have a better and safer life on the other side of the world, they don’t want me to move. I feel that pressure to stay. But of course, I can’t.

So I’m in two minds. Part of me longs to just get out of this country. The other part is terrified, and doesn’t want to leave this beautiful place. It’s a war zone in my head. And I guess that’s why it’s easier to latch onto things that distract me from having to think about it. It doesn’t help though when the distraction also causes so much anxiety.

Life is a confusing mess at the moment. They say that we need to look toward the future. But what if you’re not able to? What if it’s all just one big, dark mass? I can only hope that there will come a time when I will look back and see this as having been a stepping stone to a better life and but another chapter in my story.