After a couple of weeks of intense emotions, I’m drained. As if we don’t have enough going on with Covid, South Africa has also been experiencing unrest due to political crap. All the personal stuff I’m dealing with has also been overwhelming.
But numbness set in when I woke up yesterday.
I can usually reach this state voluntarily by drinking. But since alcohol has been banned in this country again weeks ago, I’m grateful that my mind/brain has stepped in to take over that job.
So now I’m just going through the motions. Doing what needs to be done. Except with regards to my eating habits. Food has been an issue for a month now. I just don’t want to do it… too much of a mission. I have to force myself to eat when I realize I’m starting to feel sick or before having to take my meds, but I don’t enjoy the experience one bit. Meal replacement shakes have helped a lot during this phase. I’ve gone through these phases every now and then over the course of my life, so it’s not unusual.
I can’t control those things that are negatively affecting me. And I’m out of ideas on how to improve certain circumstances I find myself in. There comes a time when you realize that the only thing left to do is to let go. When this sense of not caring anymore sets in.
I know though that it’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I can’t feel it. Void of the emotion that makes us human. Anger and sadness at injustices taking place. Fear. Love. But being alive is hard, so it’s a necessary state sometimes.