Healing Isn’t A One Time Thing

As my recent posts have shown, I haven’t been in a good place emotionally. My issues and demons have re-surfaced in a huge way, causing me to doubt all the healing that I thought had taken place within me over the past few years.

The other evening I stumbled upon a performance (which you can find at the end of this post) from Demi Lovato. It was a case of the right place, the right time. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the night. I just felt utterly and completely broken. This video is the most powerful live performance I’ve ever seen. I felt it down to my core and have never connected as deeply to any other song as I did this one, and with the emotion channeled into it.

My therapy session on Wednesday was a raw, emotional one. From the beginning my therapist pointed out that I seem very emotional. I just didn’t want to hold anything back. I didn’t have the strength to either. Turns out the emotions I’m feeling around her pregnancy are partly jealousy that this little baby is going to have her as a mommy, and the situation has also opened up all those old wounds around my own childhood. Memories and emotions I just couldn’t hide or run from.

This performance wasn’t just relatable to me now, but fit as the anthem to my childhood and adolescent years too. The words are almost identical to my own countless pleas, especially when I was a teen. If I hadn’t burned all the pages of my diary back then, it would be littered with it. “Please send me anyone.” “Is there anyone?”, “No-one’s listening”, “can anyone hear me?” So that evening, the lyrics went down deep into my soul. It perfectly captured what I was feeling. I completely broke down. The story behind the song is just as powerful. She wrote it a few days before her overdose. Her story is actually very inspiring.

We all have demons that we are battling. We have relapses. That doesn’t make us weak. It doesn’t mean healing hasn’t taken place. It means we’re human. And even when it seems like we won’t be okay, that we won’t make it through, we can and we do. She’s still here. I’m still here. You’re still here.

“Reach out to somebody”. We see and hear that message so often. But it isn’t that easy. Sometimes we don’t want to burden others. Other times when we do reach out, we get hurt, or end up feeling worse or made to feel guilty for our feelings and thoughts. But we all need and deserve to have someone truly listen to us. To hear us. And it’s okay to reach out. It’s also okay that sometimes we reach out to the wrong people. It doesn’t mean we made a mistake. It just means that the other person maybe doesn’t have the ability/capacity to be a support. That’s something that I still struggle with. Blaming myself, feeling ashamed, feeling like I’m the entire problem when a cry for help goes unanswered or ends badly.

The suicidal ideation is still there. The darkness still huge. I’m not out of the woods. But I wanted to write this post anyway. For me, and for others also struggling right now who may be reading this.

Struggling To Write

I don’t know why I’ve been struggling to write on my blog for the past few months. There is so much I can write about. So much I want to write. But I’m struggling to find the words in written form. Writing has helped me through so much, and especially on here. So I don’t understand why I’m struggling so much to write about those darker aspects of my mind and life, the way I used to.

Maybe weekly therapy sessions have a hand in it. Anyway, I’m going to keep this blog up, but without any pressure to post. It will come when it comes. And it’s nice to know it’s still here for me.

I came across this song the other day and it hit me hard. It says so much that I just couldn’t find the words for. This band is an old favourite of mine, and some of their songs have gotten me through some difficult times, so “rediscovering” them has been great. This song reflects my current inner world, and feelings regarding life, humanity, and the world.

To Exist

This song touched me deeply. The music is beautiful, and when the words start coming it’s made even more powerful. It’s such an incredible message. Even though I’m feeling depressed, I can still appreciate this piece of art (which is exactly what it feels like to me).

For some reason I felt my grandmother’s presence with me while listening to this. As if this message is from her. I’m not sure I believe in an afterlife, but I know I also can’t be sure that it doesn’t exist. And maybe, just maybe, if it does… she’s with me.

“Saturn”

You taught me the courage of stars before you left.
How light carries on endlessly, even after death.
With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite.
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.

I couldn’t help but ask
For you to say it all again.
I tried to write it down
But I could never find a pen.
I’d give anything to hear
You say it one more time,
That the universe was made
Just to be seen by my eyes.

I couldn’t help but ask
For you to say it all again.
I tried to write it down
But I could never find a pen.
I’d give anything to hear
You say it one more time,
That the universe was made
Just to be seen by my eyes.

With shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite
How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.

Imperfection

I’ve been a fan of Evanescence since their beginning days. As the years have gone by though, they haven’t been on my radar as much. I’ll always have a soft spot for Amy and her band, as their music got me through many dark days and nights. One of the highlights of my life was attending one of their live shows. That was a powerful moment for me.

Today I was searching for a song on YouTube by another band I really like, and I saw Evanescence’s new song “Imperfection” on the playlist. While it’s a different sound, it’s the lyrics and the message of the song that really drew me in. So I did a little background search on the song, and found this:

John Legend sang about perfect imperfections in his 2013 hit “All Of Me.” Amy Lee of Evanescence picks up that theme on this track, where she makes the case that our quirks and peculiarities are what make us whole. Unlike Legend’s love song, which is devoted to Chrissy Teigen, Lee is far more urgent, addressing those who are in despair:

Don’t you dare surrender
Don’t leave me here without you

Said Lee: “For me, this is the most important song on the album. I struggled with the lyrics for a long time because there was a lifetime of work to live up to and I wasn’t sure what to say or how to be good enough. When it finally started pouring out of me, it was undeniable. I had no choice. It’s for all the people we’ve lost, all the people who we could lose, to suicide and depression. I’m singing from the perspective of the person left behind, the person in the waiting room. It’s a plea to fight for your life, to stay. Don’t give into the fear – I have to tell myself that every day. Nobody is perfect. We are all imperfect, and it’s precisely those imperfections that make us who we are, and we have to embrace them because there’s so much beauty in those differences. Life is worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for.”

The song starts off slow and soft, but don’t let that fool you. It turns into a powerhouse.

I’m glad I came across this song today, as it’s a message I really needed to hear. I hope it speaks to you too.

 

Getting Me Through

This isn’t my usual type of music, but it’s helping me provide release for my emotions and all I feel, without hurting myself, and is keeping the suicidal thoughts at bay. The music that usually helps me get through dark times just isn’t cutting it this time. The intensity of this song so perfectly captures the intensity of all I’m feeling inside. The lyrics hold so much meaning, and can be interpreted in different ways by everyone.

Going Out Of Frequency

This song, both the music itself, and the lyrics, perfectly match my current inside world. I can’t tell you how I’m feeling (as I don’t quite know), and you probably won’t get a sense of it from this song, since we all experience things differently depending on our moods.

But this is my theme song right now.

“Avalanche”

Cut me open and tell me what’s inside
Diagnose me cause I can’t keep wondering why
And no it’s not a phase cause it happens all the time
Start over, check again, now tell me what you findCause I’m going out of frequency
Can anyone respond?

It’s like an avalanche
I feel myself go under
Cause the weight of it’s like hands around my neck
I never stood a chance
My heart is frozen over
And I feel like I am treading on thin ice

Am I broken? What’s the chance I will survive?
Don’t sugarcoat me, cause I feel like suicide
Just give it to me straight cause I’m running out of time
I need an antidote, now what can you prescribe

It’s like an avalanche
I feel myself go under
Cause the weight of it’s like hands around my neck
I never stood a chance
My heart is frozen over
And I feel like I am treading on thin ice
And I’m going under

I need a cure for me cause a square doesn’t fit the circle
Give me a remedy cause my head wasn’t wired for this world
I need a cure for me cause a square doesn’t fit the circle
Give me a remedy cause my head wasn’t wired for this world

I’m going out of frequency
Can anyone respond?
Cause I’m going out of frequency
Can anyone respond?

It’s like an avalanche
I feel myself go under
Cause the weight of it’s like hands around my neck
I never stood a chance
My heart is frozen over
And I feel like I am treading on thin ice
And I’m going under

I need a cure for me cause a square doesn’t fit the circle
Give me a remedy cause my head wasn’t wired for this world
I need a cure for me cause a square doesn’t fit the circle
Give me a remedy cause when it hits, well it hits like an avalanche

Permanent

I came across this song the other day, and it touched me deeply. I cried through the whole thing. For those of us with attachment issues, and hold the pain and shame that so often come with it, these words are beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time. They’re so special.

I Want It To Stop

The excruciating physical pain I’ve been in this week has subsided quite a bit. It’s not as unbearable as it was. But the emotional pain has stuck around.

In my previous post, I wrote how I feel like crying when thinking about the next day, week, etc. But now, its escalated into panic. How the hell am I going to make it through the next few days? The next week? My usual “one hour at a time” mantra isn’t holding up. It’s one excruciating hour at a time, and feels like too much to handle. I can’t do this! It’s too hard.

I don’t know what to do. I just need everything to stop! Please, please, please make it stop! How can one person hurt this much?

I need and want a friend right now, but none of them are available this weekend. And they don’t even have decent excuses. It’s frustrating and makes me extremely sad that when I really need them, they’re nowhere to be found. But when they need me, I’m there, no matter what mood I’m in. Even if I’m hurting as well. But I obviously don’t tell them that. In that moment, it’s about them. I put my own shit away to be there and support them.

Today I found myself repeating a pattern of something that I used to do a lot of in my teen years. Every time someone hurt me, or let me down in certain ways, I would feel this defiance and anger inside. But I didn’t want them to see or hear how it affected me. I was scared I might lose them if I mentioned it or showed it. So I’d hide it until I was alone. Then the anger would come, and I’d repeat “I don’t need anyone, I’m fine on my own.” But when the anger died down, I’d break down, with sadness consuming every inch of my being. I’d feel so alone. I preferred the anger, because it covered the disappointment, the rejection, the hurt. Anger is always so much easier to deal with, isn’t it.

I’ve had to cancel a few birthday “celebrations” over the years. Even as an adult. I’ll never forgot my 21st birthday. I was at a co-worker’s house (I was staying with her for a few weeks- I just can’t remember why), and everyone I had invited to my little party had been unable to attend. One of them cancelled an hour before it was due to start. My co-worker had gone to visit her son, as it was his birthday as well. So I was alone that night. The power went out at some point. So I lit a candle, poured myself a glass of wine, and sat on the floor, against the couch (I seem to find it comforting sitting on the floor instead of a couch for some reason- only couches though. Normal chairs- I’ll sit in them rather than on the floor). This might sound really silly, but I pretended there were other people there. Like my mom, little sisters, friends. Making up conversations in my head (there were some pretty funny ones). I had to do that, because if I stopped, the reality hurt too much. Remembering that makes my heart ache. So I’m not a fan of the day of my birth. Besides, I was a mistake. I never should have been born. I don’t even know why birthdays are celebrated in the first place. Who came up with that idea?

I’m writing about all this because I want to prove a point. I’m convinced that there’s something I’m doing wrong. That’s there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. That it’s why friends and family seem to want to spend as little time with me as possible. The things I mentioned above seem to prove it. I don’t know why, but I’ve always had this feeling (and believed) that I deserved everything that happened to me. And right now, I feel it’s especially true. Looking in the mirror earlier today, I wondered who that face belonged to. What’s her life worth?

I want my therapist. She always seems to know what to say, and has a calming influence on me. It’s weekend, so I can’t even reach out to her. And I’m not seeing her anytime soon either, which just feels so messed up. I just want to be held by her. No CBT, DBT, REBT, FFST (Okay, I made that last one up). Just one of those talking sessions. We all need one of those from time to time. Those sessions where she just listens and doesn’t make me work through techniques, skills, etc. I just need someone to listen to me, without judging. That’s what I mean when I say I want to held by her. In that protective therapeutic cocoon. Where it’s warm and safe. Even when it’s hard.

In one of the letters my therapist had written me, she told me that I’m brave. And now I keep hearing her words “be brave” (from another note), but I don’t feel brave right now.

I will try to be though. I’m trying. I’m really, really trying. I just need to get through tonight and tomorrow. That thought makes me panic. I’m trying to just stay in the moment, practice mindfulness, but it only works for a few seconds and I swing right back. These flashbacks that I’ve been having don’t make it any easier. I don’t even know anymore what’s a nightmare, and what’s a real memory. They seem to blend into each other. Swinging from adult to child mode. The nightmares and flashbacks are all from that young part. I should never have opened that door to let that inner child in. When we started working with that whole thing, I knew it was going to be difficult, but I didn’t know just how painful it would be.

“Stop crying. You’re not a baby.”

But big girls cry too.

First Love

Lonely tonight.

I had her.
I lost her.
She let me go.
She broke my heart.
My first love.
A love I never experienced before or since.
There were others I thought I was in love with.
I wasn’t.
I was just infatuated for a short while.
I had been fooling myself.
But with her it was real.
Unexplainable.
Painful.
Beautiful.
What if she was the one?
My only shot at true love.
My last.
Now meant to be alone.
Forever.

Love heals? No, love destroys.