I was inspired to make a video, thanks to my lovely friend, Summer (check out her blog here) who has made quite a few of her own already.
This is my first video, so it’s not perfect. But it’s good enough. Something I’m learning to be comfortable with, as I’m an extreme perfectionist.
I’m been really depressed and drained today. So this video is as much for me as it is for you.
I hope it can bring you some comfort today.
When I heard this song for the first time, I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. It felt like all the pain I had been holding deep inside me, just came pouring out. The most agonizing pain. The kind of pain that feels so raw. And like it will never end. This is one of those songs that seems as though it were written for me, or even by me.
You’re a warrior. We’re warriors.
I’ve never liked that word. Grief. Even as I’m typing it out, I’m cringing inside.
But as a friend recently told me, words are just that. Words.
The morning after having written my post ‘Basking in the Sun‘, I woke up with this feeling of intense sadness. It’s followed me through the entire week, and I’m still feeling it.
Random spurts of crying accompanied it. Even at work, while focused on what I was doing, I was acutely aware of the aching inside me. And sometimes I couldn’t contain it any longer and the tears would just spill out. Obviously not wanting anyone else to see, I would go the bathroom, and let it just come. But only for a minute or two, and then I’d compose myself and walk out smiling, as though nothing had happened. I’m grateful that it’s not easy for people to tell that I’d been crying. It only becomes noticeable if I’d been crying for a long time.
Even while out with a good friend yesterday, I couldn’t get rid of this sadness. I was spending the day with her, her new boyfriend and his family. At one point I pulled her aside and told her that I was struggling emotionally. She gave me a big hug and told me that it’s okay to feel the way I am. That it’s normal. She was so caring and and supportive. I felt safe. I don’t usually tell friends or family that I’m struggling with something, but I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to be vulnerable with people closest to me. I’m glad I told her, because she helped me realize that it’s okay to feel these emotions and to deal with them.
The reason for my sadness is I’m missing someone that was a constant part of my life for years. I’m grieving for the life I had. It wasn’t the good life, but it’s familiar. I miss the place, the people, the person… Just everything. Now I’m in a new place, new environment, and nothing is familiar. I know I’m starting to build the life I want, that I’m slowly starting to find my feet, but I’m overwhelmed. I feel as though I shouldn’t hope too much, or allow myself to feel happy, because it will just come crashing down around me anyway. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy and to have a happy life. That it’s just not meant for me. The day after having written the above mentioned post, I felt guilty. What right did I have to feel that good? What right do I have to feel good, when so many other people are suffering and in pain?
I haven’t really allowed myself to fully experience the loss of all I left behind. I thought I had. I thought I had let it go. But I haven’t really. Because most of the time I would just push it away or play it down when the thoughts and feelings would surface. I would tell myself that I’m fine. But I’m not fine.
I’m allowing myself to really sit with, and experience these emotions today. To sit with the sadness and grief. With the unbearable pain. With the thought that I made the biggest mistake of my life. That what if all we needed was this break? I’m sitting with the longing to go back to my old life. To the person who’s love was conditional, admitting that she took it away sometimes in order to punish me, but at least I had that love sometimes. I never felt safe when I was living that life. But that life feels safe now. Safer than where I am at this moment. But I know it’s just the grief talking. That if I go back, nothing would have changed. Maybe it would be different for a little while, better, but then what? So many ‘what if’s’ consume my mind, and I’m allowing myself to ask and answer those difficult questions.
It’s so hard and painful. And I’m so unsure about my future.
You may think you’ve won. You tried to beat me down. You sent all the storms you could throw at me, trying to get me to give up. You knocked me down, you bruised me, but I got up again. You almost had me a few times, but I defeated you over and over again.
You sent an army. But I have something you’ll never have. I have Love. Love stood by my side. I was never alone.
You’re angry with me. Well, I’m angry too.
But I will use this anger to show you just how strong I am. To continue fighting your darkness.
You can throw all the bad memories and nightmares at me that you want. But I won’t give up. I may fall apart, I might break, but give up… I won’t give you the satisfaction. The power.
I may be overwhelmed and broken right now, but I will not give in to you. I will not be kept down. I will rise again, and when I do I’m going to take the world by storm.
One day you’ll get what you want. But not today.
Today I choose Life.
I’ll always love you.
But right now I need to hate you.
The power I allowed you to have over me, I’ve taken it back.
No longer will you be able to tell me how to act. How to be. No longer will I be anxious when going out with people and have your disapproving looks tell me when I’m ‘out of place’. I may not be a social butterfly, but those who know me, love me the way I am and enjoy my company.
No longer will you be able tell me how to dress, buy me new clothes that you want me to wear, pick out my outfits and get upset if I don’t wear what you want. I may not have the best style, but it’s my own.
No longer will you be able to tell me how to spend my time, what to do with my life. What movies to watch. What music to listen to. I don’t have to like everything you like. I am my own person.
No longer will you be able to tell me how to feel. Or tell me that I don’t feel enough. That I bury my feelings. Yes, I did. I learned you can’t handle them. I may not be the most emotionally stable person, but I’m allowed to have my own feelings.
No longer will you be able to blame everything on me. Make me your scapegoat. I always stood up for you with my family, my friends, but you loved throwing me under the bus with your own family. I’m no angel, but I take responsibility for my part, for my own mistakes.
No longer will you be able to throw hurtful words, full of hatred, at me. Twist my words, make me believe I’m insane. I don’t have to accept or believe them anymore.
No longer will I need to tip toe around you, feeling the ice cold chill of your silent treatment. I deserve to have my voice heard and not be ashamed of it.
No longer will you be able to throw a tantrum in order to stop me from visiting my family and friends, making me “understand” that they don’t want to see me. That when they say they miss me, they’re just being nice. That only you love and care about me. Well, guess what honey? They warned me about you. They knew all along that it was you pulling me away from them. I may not have the perfect family or friends, but they’re still here.
You always said I was an extension of you… That that’s the way it works in a relationship. No. I’m me. I’m not an extension of anyone. I’m not an object to be controlled.
Thank you for showing me what I don’t want.
Yes… I’ll always love you. But now I need to learn to love myself.
This is the last letter I’ll ever write to you. There are too many other things on my mind… There’s no more space for you.