Video: The Letter

I was inspired to make a video, thanks to my lovely friend, Summer (check out her blog here) who has made quite a few of her own already.

This is my first video, so it’s not perfect. But it’s good enough. Something I’m learning to be comfortable with, as I’m an extreme perfectionist.

I’m been really depressed and drained today. So this video is as much for me as it is for you.

I hope it can bring you some comfort today.

Openess And Shame

I’m having a hard time with something. I had been open to sharing parts of my life, my thoughts, and emotions since I started this blog. But now I don’t feel like it’s okay anymore. I’ve been feeling a lot of hurt and shame these past couple of days. I shared something with someone that I shouldn’t have shared. It was inappropriate. And now I can feel myself shutting down again. Which is something I’ve done my entire life. I did it in order to protect myself. I’d pretend that I’m okay. They say to smile and happiness will follow. So that’s what I did. Only, happiness never came. And now I feel the need to protect myself again. I don’t want to shut down, but it’s not like I can just flip a switch to control it.

Guilt is easier to deal with. You recognize that something you did wasn’t right. That you crossed a boundary, angered or hurt someone. You can then apologize. And try your damnest to not do the same thing again. Maybe you’re able to forgive yourself as well.

Shame is harder. It’s too uncomfortable to sit with. But it’s impossible to ignore.

I’ve tried to numb it. Some moments, it works. Other times, not so much. Because even when my glass is empty, there’s still a single drop remaining that I just can’t quite get out. And that one little drop contains enough of the emotion to prevent me from not feeling it at all.

I made this in Photoshop to help me process. It’s a mess, but it was a therapeutic experience.

Shame

Words

I haven’t been on my blog much these past few days, and I know there’s still comments I need to reply to. I’ll reply to you guys as soon as I can. Thanks for all the support. I appreciate you all so much. 

These quotes are obviously not my own. But they say enough.

The Wrong House

When I struggle with my own words, I’ve found that the words of others can say that which I’m unable to truly express. Whether it’s through a song, a blog post by someone else, or a poem, it doesn’t matter… As long as it speaks to the deeper parts within me. As this poem does. What I love about poetry is that it can be interpreted in so many different ways. Maybe this one will speak to you too.

I went into a house, and it wasn’t a house,
It has big steps and a great big hall;
But it hasn’t got a garden,
A garden,
A garden,
It isn’t like a house at all.

I went into a house, and it wasn’t a house,
It has a big garden and great high wall;
But it hasn’t got a may-tree,
A may-tree,
A may-tree,
It isn’t like a house at all.

I went into a house, and it wasn’t a house –
Slow white petals from the may-tree fall;
But it hasn’t got a blackbird,
A blackbird,
A blackbird,
It isn’t like a house at all.

I went into a house, and I thought it was a house,
I could hear from the may-tree the blackbird call…
But nobody listened to it,
Nobody
Liked it,
Nobody wanted it at all.

© A.A. Milne

I Tried. I’m Trying.

Where did I go?
I’m a stranger.

Waking up in the morning. Sitting outside with my coffee. Trying to be mindful and focus on the quiet and the cold air on my skin. Telling myself over and over again. “Today is going to be a good day”.
I’m trying.

The positive voice having been drowned out hour by hour. Exhausted with the effort of trying to keep it alive throughout the day. Going to sleep at night. Wishing not to wake up. I tried.

Wanting to join in the conversation. Can’t make sense of what they’re saying. Sounding so far away. Wanting to connect. Afraid to connect. I smile anyway, not hearing a word.
But I’m trying.

A touch on my back by someone non threatening. My blood running cold. Fear taking over. Backing away. The shock on his face. Wanting to apologize. The words wouldn’t come.
I tried.

I did all my work today. How? I have no memory of having done any of it. But I did it.
I’m still trying.

Emotionally empty. A thick fog surrounding me. Yet acutely aware of the physical. Feeling sick. Have to get up and move. Body aching.
I tried.

Cold inside. Frozen. Sitting in the sun. But the rays can’t penetrate.
I’m trying.

Getting confused about everything. Struggling to remember even why I’m doing what I’m doing in a given moment. Everything a blur. Doing grounding work. But I can’t focus.
I tried.

This heart, once so full of love and care. Now feels like a shadow. Maybe it’s been ripped out. Needing to find the light again. But it’s gone.
I’m trying.

I wanted to make her proud of me. Believe in me. Doing all the things we spoke about. I failed at it all.
At least I tried.

“Just keep breathing.” Breathing hurts.
But I’m trying.

I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want anything from anyone. I don’t want me.

Trying to be inspiring. Positive. Full of light. Love. But I can’t. Not today. I just don’t care.

Wanting to curl up on the cold floor. Just lay there for an eternity.

I don’t have the energy to think of suicide.

But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to die.

My ‘Dear Death‘ post now feels like a distant memory. I’m writing a new letter. A simple one.

Dear Life
Let me go.