Protection And Running Away

This is a follow up from my previous post.

After I had written it, and gone to sleep, I had a nightmare.

Before I get into the dream, it needs to be said that most of my dreams over the years have followed a similar theme. They all involve me protecting others (or myself and even baby animals). Running away from someone, a group of people, or something (like a natural disaster).

In this dream, that person was my step-father. He was hurting my youngest little sister, and throwing her around the room. She was so tiny. Just a little toddler. It broke me seeing what he was doing to her. So I picked her up and ran. Suddenly there were other people with us who I was also trying to lead to safety. We climbed and jumped over walls and roofs, and crawled through barbed wire fences. Trying to stay out of sight of the monster who was hunting us. There were security camera’s, so it was even more important for us to avoid being seen. There were wide open spaces, which made us especially vulnerable. Other spaces were difficult to get through, as there were plants and trees surrounding us. We came across a house here and there, but I knew they weren’t safe to run into. That the people who lived there were in on it with my step-father. Every time I thought we were in the clear, I’d find that it wasn’t over, and he was catching up to us.

Suddenly a SWAT team appeared. They were helping us escape. But then we understood that they weren’t there to help us at all. They had their own agenda. Now there were more people after us. One of the guys running with us, picked up a dead snake, and told us that the SWAT team had been fooling us. Why a dead snake, and what that has to do with anything, I have no idea (some of my dreams have featured snakes- I don’t know what that represents). At the end of the dream, when I finally thought we were really safe this time, as there were normal people walking around, I realized that we were still in danger. I felt trapped.

I woke up crying. And I realized just how much my past has affected me, and shaped my life. For the first time, I can acknowledge that I haven’t yet fully dealt with it. I always tried to run away from my past. Pretending that it didn’t affect me. But now I realize just how much it actually did.

Once I was fully awake, I felt a combination of anger and deep hurt. I’ve always tried to be the protector to everyone. To take care of others. I took on that role. But who protects me? Who protected that little girl? The people who were supposed to protect her, didn’t, or couldn’t. And for the first time, I’m feeling the extent of that pain.

I could never truly connect to that part of myself until now. I’m grieving for that sad, lonely, and scared little girl. For the teen who had to deal with so much.

Those uncried tears, are finally being released. The hurt with nowhere to go, is being experienced and channeled. The secrets with no one to tell, are now being told.

It’s too painful to feel all at once. But the door has been opened, so I can begin to walk through it.

Selene

I just sat down at my computer right now and thought that I want to write a post. But then I realized… I don’t have anything to write about. There’s nothing that I really want to say.

Something just popped into my mind. Let me tell you about “Selene”. I’ve never told anyone about “her”. Not even my therapist, because it sounds completely crazy. Besides, it’s never come up.

I don’t know if Selene was around when I was a kid. The earliest memory I have of her is from my late teens I think. I just remember walking down the street one day. I was scared of something. I can’t remember what, but I still remember the feeling of intense fear. Then suddenly I felt this powerful presence beside me. The fear instantly disappeared and I felt this sense of protection. I didn’t need to see her to know she exists. She felt really familiar… Which is why I say I don’t know whether she was around earlier than that memory.

I was still a Christian back then, but knew that this wasn’t God, an angel or anything like that. She wasn’t part of that spiritual world. Selene felt different, separate to all of that. I can’t explain it.

She’s powerful and invincible. When she’s around I feel like no one and nothing can harm me. I feel strong and empowered. Safe. I don’t experience her internally, but on the outside. Like a physical presence right next to me. Close. The way a bodyguard stands next to a public figure.

Sometimes it seems like she just shows up for no reason. I can’t even understand why she’s there in those moments. And why she’s not around when I want her. A lot of the time she shows up when I’m feeling very anxious or afraid of something. Most of the time, it’s at night. My worst time of day. Which is why I try to stay up as late as I can. Because as soon as that light goes out, I feel vulnerable for some reason. She can be there from a few seconds to a few minutes. Although, there are two moments that I remember sensing her presence when I was in terrible emotional pain. Just sitting with me on the bed and the floor. Most of the time, she’s just this powerful, strong being. My protector.

It’s not a regular thing. Months can go by without her. She showed up again this week. And I don’t even know why. In the moments when she shows up, one part of me experiences her as completely real. The presence I feel is real. The logical part of me is aware that she’s not really real. I’m pretty sure she’s just a construct of my imagination. A defense mechanism? But yet, she’s real. Does that make sense?

Well, it seems I did have something to say after all. Even though it’s something that might well see me getting more meds to add to my collection, and send some of you running.