Where did I go?
I’m a stranger.
Waking up in the morning. Sitting outside with my coffee. Trying to be mindful and focus on the quiet and the cold air on my skin. Telling myself over and over again. “Today is going to be a good day”.
The positive voice having been drowned out hour by hour. Exhausted with the effort of trying to keep it alive throughout the day. Going to sleep at night. Wishing not to wake up. I tried.
Wanting to join in the conversation. Can’t make sense of what they’re saying. Sounding so far away. Wanting to connect. Afraid to connect. I smile anyway, not hearing a word.
But I’m trying.
A touch on my back by someone non threatening. My blood running cold. Fear taking over. Backing away. The shock on his face. Wanting to apologize. The words wouldn’t come.
I did all my work today. How? I have no memory of having done any of it. But I did it.
I’m still trying.
Emotionally empty. A thick fog surrounding me. Yet acutely aware of the physical. Feeling sick. Have to get up and move. Body aching.
Cold inside. Frozen. Sitting in the sun. But the rays can’t penetrate.
Getting confused about everything. Struggling to remember even why I’m doing what I’m doing in a given moment. Everything a blur. Doing grounding work. But I can’t focus.
This heart, once so full of love and care. Now feels like a shadow. Maybe it’s been ripped out. Needing to find the light again. But it’s gone.
I wanted to make her proud of me. Believe in me. Doing all the things we spoke about. I failed at it all.
At least I tried.
“Just keep breathing.” Breathing hurts.
But I’m trying.
I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to be loved. I don’t want anything from anyone. I don’t want me.
Trying to be inspiring. Positive. Full of light. Love. But I can’t. Not today. I just don’t care.
Wanting to curl up on the cold floor. Just lay there for an eternity.
I don’t have the energy to think of suicide.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to die.
My ‘Dear Death‘ post now feels like a distant memory. I’m writing a new letter. A simple one.
Let me go.