My Journey Through Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, And Anxiety.
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
(The Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien)
My doctor (GP) is one in a million.
From the very beginning when I first started seeing her, she gave me her email address and told me to keep her updated with how the meds are going, and even updates on my life. When I was in the psychiatric clinic, she made an effort to come visit me, bringing along a slab of my favourite chocolate.
She doesn’t pretend to be clued up on psychiatric meds, and rather calls my psychiatrist (saving me a ton of money) to make sure it’s safe and the best option for me and what I struggle with before prescribing a new medication. Thankfully we’ve found the right combination, so that’s not necessary anymore.
A couple of days ago she emailed me the following quote:
“Is there anything she can’t handle? She’s been broken. She’s been knocked down. She’s been defeated. She’s felt pain that most couldn’t handle. She looks fear in the face; year after year, day after day, but yet, she never runs. She never hides. And she ALWAYS finds a way to get back up. She’s unbreakable. She’s a warrior. She is YOU.”
I’m so grateful that I have an amazing team of professionals who go above and beyond for me. I know a lot of people aren’t so lucky, and I wish that professionals like those I have, were the norm, rather than the exception.
Waking up yesterday, I felt so much better than I had in weeks. I’m still a little low, but it’s nowhere near as bad as it has been. The best part is that I feel refreshed.
I took the week for myself. No social engagements (except for group), disconnected from social networks, and stayed off WhatsApp for a few days. I would get home from work (took Wednesday off), then the rest of the day I would spend reading, writing, watching my favourite TV shows, and just daydreaming (my meditation). I also spent about an hour with my other therapist… The beach and ocean.
Isolating myself for a while has paid off. These times aren’t about anyone else. It’s my “selfish time”. I do it because it’s what I need in order to recharge. To take care of myself and keep myself safe (and sane). Those people who say that I need to force myself to get out there and do things, don’t know anything about how my internal world functions. If I force myself, and follow that advice, it’s like adding fuel to the already blazing fire inside me. People drain me. Being out in the world with people all over the place, is exhausting. There’s just too much stimuli out there, and I think that feeds into my hyper-vigilance. So instead of adding even more stress to my body, I choose to stay in the comfort of my room (and one day, my own place). I don’t mind having a friend over for coffee during these times, but I won’t go to a coffee shop or any other public place.
When I can afford it, I’m going to invest in a tent. Whenever I feel like I need to get away and be alone, I’ll go camping. Spend time in nature, and enjoy the silence.
Obviously, I’m an introvert. Most of the introverts I know, can recharge after a day or two. But I take longer. It sometimes takes me a week or more. I accept this part of me now, whereas before I’d just beat myself up over it.
One of the OT’s shared this quote with me, and it’s one of my favourites.
