Time to Recuperate

I’ve been in my own place since Friday, which I’ve written about in a post that’s currently sitting in my drafts folder as I just haven’t had the energy to complete it.

I’m at the point where I’m too exhausted to care about anything. The things that have been causing me anxiety and so much anger lately have now dissolved into apathy. Things have been overwhelming and busy over the past week and I think my mind has now finally had enough. I had so many plans and things I wanted to do during my first week here, but hadn’t counted on this happening instead.

The only self-care I’m able to do at the moment is allowing myself to sleep as much as my body and mind needs. Today has felt like a write-off but I couldn’t care less. I feel like I have to go into hibernation for a while, and fortunately I’m on my own now, so can do just that and not have to worry about anyone or anything.

Getting Through Challenging Times

This past week has been a difficult one for me. There was another episode with the dad, one that left me feeling terrified and paranoid for days. My body and senses on high alert.

The current state and chaos going on in the country and the world didn’t help with the paranoia. As the lockdown continues and so much uncertainty remains, each week that goes by seems to get more and more challenging. It seems harder to find and hold onto hope and positivity. To keep going strong.

I can’t control what’s happening in the world. In my country. But I can control my actions. And once again I’ve allowed myself to become absorbed in, and consumed by the negativity taking place on social media. I know the effect it has on me, and I also know that there’s a lot of misinformation out there. When I’m already feeling angry and anxious, reading certain posts, the comments, and commenting myself, increases that ten-fold. I should know better, yet I allowed myself to ignore the warnings. That’s on me. And so, yet again, I’m making the decision to step back.

The breakthrough came in, and after, my therapy session. Leaving the house and driving to my appointment filled me with anxiety. The thoughts that I was being watched, followed, and would be pulled over and hurt, felt overwhelming. The thoughts and feelings followed me into my therapists office.

After a while I started feeling more contained. I’m so fortunate and extremely grateful that I get to see my therapist in person and have that safe space to go to each week. It’s been my saving grace so many times. So has she. Therapist has a calming effect on me, and I really needed that this week. She basically reiterated that I need to do what makes me feel contained, safe, and regulated, no matter how “weird” it may seem to myself and others.

So I’ve doubled down on my self-care and using my coping and emotion regulation tools. I’ve let go of all the expectations and pressure I’ve been putting on myself. There’s a time and place for that, and now is not that time. Thankfully the paranoia I’ve been experiencing has slowly faded.

What really helps through all of this is the connection I have (and feel) with my therapist. Physical distancing is hard on all of us, but knowing that there are people who care, even if it’s just one person, goes a long way. I had a lovely dream about my previous therapist, and sent her a message to tell her about it. And as usual, she replied. It’s so nice, and healing, to know that our connection is still there. That she’s still around, still cares, and hasn’t forgotten me.

This is such a challenging time. But we are resilient and can weather the storm. We’ve got this. ❤

The Ending Of Another Year

Christmas is over. Thank heavens! It’s almost the end of 2019. Wow, the year flew by.

This is the time of year where I’ve usually had enough and can’t wait for everything to calm down again. The holiday season and I just don’t get along. It’s far too busy and noisy (I’ve written about my aversion to Christmas music in a previous post here).

There are so many social conventions during the holiday season, and for a lot of us, we struggle with this. Suddenly our routines are disrupted. We’re expected to be around people, environments, and in situations, that make us uncomfortable or overwhelm us.

What also makes it hard are the memories and missing loved ones. Memories of all the lost and “nearly” families that have been part of my life. Then there’s my mother. I’ve spent less than a handful of Christmas holidays with her and my younger sisters. I haven’t seen them in more than two years now, and I miss them so damn much.

This year, I decided that I don’t want to be miserable again. So I took naps where needed and did my own thing more often. Stayed home and away from the shops. Etc. And I had all my little gizmo’s that help me stay calm (or at least sane). This all helped me get through this period easier, and made certain things more enjoyable as I had more energy that wasn’t wasted on being overwhelmed and anxious.

It’s been a roller coaster of a year, but overall it was a good one. The highlight was moving in with my friend M, and us getting her new doggy a few months later. My business has picked up from last year, which I’m so happy about. My mental health has also improved, and I have a better sense of self than ever before.

I have no idea what 2020 holds, but there are a few things that I want to achieve and prioritize. It’s the start of a whole new decade and that’s pretty exciting!

Have a happy New Year everyone!