Taking A “Time Out”

I’m having one of those extreme exhaustion days. Had a meeting this morning with the husband of M’s best friend’s daughter. I’ve met them a couple of times. The wife came with, even though she has nothing to do with her husband’s business. It was a very awkward and anxiety-provoking meeting. I wasn’t sure whether I had to be in “professional” or “familiar” mode. The husband wants a website and redesigned business cards, and heard from M’s friend that I do those things, which is why he wanted to meet up and discuss it. I thought that because I already knew him and his wife and thought they were nice people, that it would be easier. Well, it was actually harder. Mostly because I wasn’t sure how to “be”. Discussing the website side of things went well for the most part, but it was the after, when business talk basically stopped (but still busy with our drinks), that things became very awkward. For me at least. Continue being “professional” or engage in the friendly banter from a more familiar place? My mind felt like a ping pong ball. We were in a restaurant where it was noisy and a cold wind coming through the door (they had chosen a terrible place in my opinion), so that was already not helping. Add in small talk, and I was a wreck on the inside. Don’t know how I came across to them though, but hopefully they didn’t notice. Although it’s kind of hard not to notice when someone is stumbling over their words and taking too long to formulate responses to (useless) questions.

When I got home I got straight into my PJ’s and into bed. It felt as though I had been awake for days, running a marathon. Took two hour nap but I’m still so tired, I can barely think straight. That meeting really took a lot out of me. So I’m taking a “time out” from the world and having a bed and series day. Just don’t have the energy to do anything else. M got a dog a couple of months ago, a miniature French Poodle. I’ve never really liked that breed, but this little one crept into my heart within a few days. M went to her best friend’s place for dinner (I was invited but didn’t want to go), so doggy is lying with me on my bed.

I guess I should go make myself something to eat before I pass out. Been procrastinating on this for the past two hours. Think I’ll just make a sandwich. That’s easy enough.

Sun, Friends, and the “Silly Season”

I took the week off from work last week and it was glorious. I’ve realized that this time of year isn’t that bad when you’re an introvert, have sensory issues, but get to spend your time at home.

On Friday I was nursing a painful sunburn. I had arranged to meet up with my friend, M, the “old” lady I had met at group last year, on Thursday. We were going to go for a walk on the beach. I thought we’d grab a coffee (decaf for me) and just go for a short walk. I was wrong. We ended up walking a total of just over 3 hours that day, with an hour break for a drink and lunch. M might be in her late seventies, but she outdoes even me (in my mid-thirties) where exercise is concerned. She told me she had gone to the gym earlier that week. Damn, I need to get my ass in gear. I wasn’t expecting such a long walk, so hadn’t even thought of sunscreen. That stuff is expensive anyway, and I didn’t have any, neither does anyone else in the house.

I had such a lovely time with her. There were so many dogs along the way, and I got to play with a Golden Retriever on the beach for a little while, while M was talking to the owner. The highlight of my day! Something I really like about spending time with M is that we have stimulating, deep conversations, but can also just sit in silence watching the goings on around us. I never feel any pressure to be “social enough” or entertaining. I really value our relationship, and the acceptance, care, and peace I get from her.

It’s been so hot lately. Combine that with the sensory overload of the holiday season, and I’m not in the best, most peaceful mood. But I made sure to avoid entering that activity as much as possible this year by staying home. I had coffee with Jasmine on Saturday, and we both witnessed first hand how stupid people can act at this time of year. As M mentioned, “they don’t call it the silly season for nothing”. Jasmine and I really connected again on Saturday, and it felt like it used to before things went all haywire between us, which I’m so happy about. I truly value her friendship.

My biggest cringe factor when it comes to Christmas, is the gift giving and opening. I always find it so awkward. I actually hate it and can’t wait until it’s over. When someone hands me my gift, or they open theirs from me, I feel like disappearing into the ground. My idea of gift giving is when I’m out and I see something that reminds me of a person, or that I know they’ll like, and I get it for them. Spontaneous gifts. I don’t believe in getting people gifts just because it’s expected for that day or occasion. But that’s the way it goes, and most people like it, so I deal with it. I really liked and appreciated the gifts I got, and now it’s over.

I got to spend quite a bit of time with my uncle this week, which I enjoyed. It also felt like old times again with him too, and there were plenty of moments where I even forgot that he’s sick. Even though it’s scary, and at times I want to pull away from them, I’ve decided that I’m going to continue nurturing my relationships with my uncle and M. I told my therapist that I’m afraid of losing M, seen as though she’s not young anymore, but as I’ve seen, she’s in good health and anything can happen to me, so it’s not guaranteed that I’ll outlive her. But even if I do, that’s part of life. We get attached, we love, we lose people. That’s not a reason to avoid relationships.

I’m so glad that Christmas is now over. People are broke so the shops are quieter and I can do my shopping in relative peace.

And the best part? No more Christmas music!

I hope you all had a good festive season.