Uncertainty

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Things have been very unsettling for me lately. I feel like I’m in limbo. And lost in a place I don’t quite understand. My therapist is going on leave tomorrow (I think), so I’ll only see her again in two and half weeks time. We had a session today, but I miss her already. These therapy breaks are always hard for me, but even more so when I’m not doing too well.

That job that I was so happy about took a turn. The guy who hired me went and hired a new brand manager, and since she came on board, things have been different. It took weeks for me to understand what was happening. Their communications with me were confusing and I wasn’t sure what exactly they were wanting me to do, or expecting from me. This brand manager lady uses terms and speaks in a very professional and “higher class” language (in my personal opinion) and confuses me like hell. At least on Monday I finally got an answer from her that made sense. My services are on hold until they’ve sorted the branding out. What makes me angry is that I could have done the branding if my “boss” had just asked me or told me what he wants to do, instead of hiring someone else to do it. The email he sent me a while back that first started my confusion once she was in (I think it was then if I’m remembering correctly) was that my fees were too high. That pissed me off because it hadn’t been a problem for him before (and I was even angrier that he copied her into the email, when I feel financial matters should be between him and me). And, what he was paying me was a fraction of what he would have paid had he gone to an agency. I don’t feel like I want to work for him anymore, like my trust has been broken, but I don’t have other options at the moment so if he still wants me to help him once they’re ready I have to do it. I think I’m more upset over how things have changed with my “relationship” with him. I felt like we sort of understood one another, but now I see I was delusional or reaching or something. But all of this has just reminded me that being a freelancer and having your own business is hard. It’s the way it goes.

My dad recently told me that they’re trying to sell the business, and once that’s done they’ll be relocating to Sweden. A country I love and have been wanting to move to since I first went there years ago. But for the past few years that desire faded. I like the place I live in. I know they’re moving, and obviously if they do I won’t be able to go with, but they mentioned that once they’re settled that side I can come over if I want. If they had told me this years ago I would have been ecstatic. Now? I’m confused. I don’t know what I want anymore. Also, I’m still living with M, and I always knew there was a place to go back to if something has to happen to her, or I want to move back to my dad’s place. But then my uncle moved back in with them and he’s taken over my room there, and with the parents wanting to move away as soon as they can, that’s not an option anymore. And a panicked part of me has been wanting to move back in. My therapist asked me whether it’s because I really want to live with my family again, or because I feel that option isn’t there anymore. That was a really good question and made me realize that it’s the latter. I still have half my stuff still there, and my dad wants me to come the weekend and start packing my stuff into boxes. They have already been giving away and selling things that they don’t need and will never use. They won’t be moving to Sweden immediately, but have to move to a smaller place for a few months before they leave.

All of this and a few other “little” things is wreaking havoc on my brain and emotions. Uncertainty, that right there, is a bitch.

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Up In The Air

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Happy new year everyone. I know I’m a little late to the party but my mind has just been messed up. I’m feeling a lot of confusion over so many things, and haven’t been feeling quite like myself. I feel like I’m a different person. Me, but different somehow. Everything around me feels different. People look different. Sound different. There have been a couple of moments where I’m not even fully sure where I am, even though it’s my own room or another familiar place. It takes a few minutes for my brain to adjust and realize where I am. It’s almost similar to what I experience with dissociation but with an added element of not even recognizing the place at all, not just feeling distant from it. Like the one day, I was reading, and the next minute I was looking around my room aware of being two different ages at once, one under the surface, and panicking because I wasn’t in my room. It turns out that “my room” was the one we lived in when I was in my early teens. Thankfully, this state doesn’t last very long and has only happened a couple of times.

It could be due to stress. My dad told me that we’re going to be moving in February so I must start packing. He doesn’t know where. Just that we have to be out. They’re looking for a smaller and cheaper place (the business is still not doing well). I asked him whether I’ll still be able to have my own room and he said he doesn’t know. So it’s all just up in the air. And when I say all I mean all (work, relationships, etc). Nothing makes much sense. Nothing feels stable.

I’ve been trying to hold onto little things to feel some sense of normality and stability.

Will it end?