Can’t face the world. Want to disappear.
Can’t face those you most want to connect with – wanting to push them away – already feeling as though you have done something wrong in the relationship and that it’s not fixable. Pulling away and disconnecting feels like the only possible thing left to do.
Being in your own body and mind is unbearable. Every part of you is on fire.
Unbelievable pain and torment.
Taking medication early just so you can go to sleep and forget you exist.
The thing with shame is that when you feel it for any specific reason or even for an imagined or blown out of proportion “infraction”, your entire history of shameful feelings and events joins in, pulling you even further down the hole.
Sometimes I want to take meds at lunchtime to sleep and escape from the world, and then I realize if I did that I would wake up and it would still be the same day, and that thought is totally revolting…
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Shame and guilt are two things I feel frequently. I’m forever apologising and explaining myself when I have no need to. It’s a dark place in which to reside. You blame yourself for it. I wish I could get out of mine so I could help pull you out of yours.
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Shame just floods you, doesn’t it Rayne, when it comes in a flood and it washes all through every cell? Its hard to articulate but you did a great job here. I’ve been reading that if we fully enter the feeling and just contain it without resorting to all the terrible thoughts and mental punishments associated it passes more easily. It still feels totally overwhelming though.
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Shame and guilt are such tormenting emotions. I wish you could find a way to focus on good things about yourself, but I know it is easier said than done. I’m glad you have this outlet to write for yourself and for those that follow you and read your very important words. Hoping your feelings of shame lift Rayne.
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I have felt those “lost” feelings in my life. I have no magic pill of help to offer, but I can share from my own journey if you’d be interested? ❤️🦋🌀
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“Can’t face the world. Want to disappear.” That alone sums it up. The feeling of wanting to take cover under a blanket, where it is safe and warm and away from the eyes of other. You are right that shame seems to be an all or nothing type of process. The smallest bit can propel you into a sea of emotions.
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Very sorry you are feeling awful. Therapists do well to be supportive in the midst of such an episode, but endeavor to make a plan for the next one to make them more manageable, less crushing, once you bounce back. Good luck.
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This describes the experience so well.. hope you’re doing OK xx
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I understand this and wish we could both be free and at peace my friend. My heart goes out to you.
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