Journey Toward Healing

Why Stay?

I’m a burden. An inconvenience for the most part.

I annoy people.

The world doesn’t need me.

These are the words running through my mind right now. Some days I don’t even know why I’m still here. What am I doing here? Maybe at first a few people will be sad that I’m gone, but in time they’ll forget about me, and I’ll only be a passing thought. One of those annoying thoughts that pop up from time to time, and which is only an inconvenience.

What am I still doing here? I don’t know. Does there have to be a purpose to this life? Some believe there is. I don’t. I haven’t found a purpose for me to be here. Help one person here and there like I always thought I’d do? But what’s the point?

I’m one person in an ocean of people. Barely noticeable. Not important. The world is already full. One less person won’t be missed, but will help alleviate the stress of the earth.

So why stay?

NOTE: This is the way I’m currently feeling, but I won’t act on any urges. I’m fully aware, even with these thoughts raging, that suicide will only hurt certain people I love. And I love them enough to not want to cause them even one day of pain. This keeps me alive.

Rayne

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23 responses to “Why Stay?”

  2. Dear Rayne: It’s quite possible that I’m just reading myself into what I just read from you – I sense so much pain under what you say. One big reason I love our blogging community is that I believe it is safe here to show this pain. Today in NYC it is a springlike day. I just made a huge stack of eggy pancakes and am off to pick up my granddaughter A from school. I know we will have fun while underneath I am aware of several Parts in different kinds of pain. I invite you to join A and me in pancakes and silliness. I will imagine you with us. Hugs. TS

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  7. Rayne
    I used to feel like this for much of my life, then it was suggested that I embrace the mystery of it all. I thought what is my purpose? I am not privy to my role in this life, I’m just urged to keep doing my dance as painful or glorious it feels as the cycles continue. I gain solace from every post you make because you are so candid with your struggle. I know I am not alone and that there are a multitude like us in misery wondering WTF and why does it hurt. Were sensitive to a fault. We’re not meant to do it alone and I am glad you’re here.

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  8. If its any consolation which I am sure its not. I had those kind of feelings last weekend as well as others telling me to get the hell out of here. I dont think a lot of that is true though, Who are the people you annoy? I for one would miss you so much if you were not here, Rayne and I am sure so many others would too. But I also know that may not be enough to feel like you want to stay on the planet at this time. Thats all I can say. I get it, totally! ❤ ❤ ❤

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    • I’m sorry that you experienced these feelings as well. It’s always nice to hear that your presence will be missed… It does help a person feel less alone and abandoned. ❤

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  9. That is such a big question… I think we all have to find our own answer. It’s especially hard for those of us that deal with mental health issues. I’m not sure if there is a purpose either. All I know is that we are here, and there are people that need us (even though my sick brain tries to convince me otherwise) and there are good times and bad times. I stay for the good times and the few people who I love and know love me. It sounds like you are in a difficult space right now Rayne. Hold on, even on the darkest days, because a better day will come. Love to you my friend ❤

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