The Ghost of Saturday Evenings

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For some reason, it’s very hard for me to be alone on a Saturday evening. I’ve noticed that this is when I struggle the most with intense feelings, suicidal thoughts, and self-harm urges. It’s also when I most want to be alone and am prone to push people away. The loneliness is overwhelming, yet at the same time, I just want to be alone. It doesn’t make sense.

I’ve noticed this pattern for a while now, and tried to figure out how far back this goes. It goes far. Way back.

What is it about a Saturday evening that stirs all these things up? I wish I knew the answer to this question. All I know is that the emotions come from a very deep, far away place and time.

16 thoughts on “The Ghost of Saturday Evenings”

  2. I get a feeling often, that seems like it’s similar. Sometimes I have to force myself to just be in someone else’s presence. If you ever just want to Skype or Facebook video, we could. We don’t even have to say anything, just chill, read books or listen to music or draw or color or whatever in each other’s presence. It’s not quite the same as sharing a space with someone, and it still takes making the choice to reach out, but the offer is there.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. summerSHINES

    I have my similar experience on Sunday mornings…there are traumatic roots to that which took me a while to work out. I’m sorry you’re finding things difficult 😔 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This.shaking

    Dear Rayne: This is what I think of, in myself, as a CLUE.

    “What is it about a Saturday evening that stirs all these things up? I wish I knew the answer to this question. All I know is that the emotions come from a very deep, far away place and time.”

    So, when I finally recognize it, I say: “Dear One – Tell me. I am listening. I’m sorry if I have pushed you away before; I am stronger now, and want to hold your hand, if you’ll let me.”

    After some time, I find out – usually, dear Rayne, by a sudden, knock me flat on my back flashback. After the throwing up or whatever, I say “Hi! I’m so glad you came. We can figure this out together.”

    It ain’t easy. But it has worked so often for me. Holding your hand – TS

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I find weekends tough sometimes, but even though I love my Saturday evenings I can empathise with those feelings Sometimes even when we want to push people away, do you sometimes also sense that maybe another part of you would love someone to be close? Its such a conundrum. Hugs to you Rayne. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  6. On a Saturday night the most traumatic event of my life occurred. Two years later, Saturday nights still can trigger anxiety and sadness, as if there is a negative energy attached to this particular time of the week. I’ve learned to prepare myself for this, make plans, keep busy–and sometimes, if needed, simply to surrender to it.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. bethanyk

    I’m so sorry this happens!
    I’ve started locking my bedroom door since my husband is away because I feel vulnerable. But only at night. It’s like during the day I feel like I HAVE to be tough so I push through and by the evening I am so exhausted I sleep 12 hours ONLLY after I have made it through the feelings you are describing. I’ve never had this until he left. He gets home for a day to do errands then goes back and him coming home doesn’t seem to turn it off as I can’t pull out of the feeling. I don’t know where it is coming from either. I’m just sorry you are feeling it

    Like

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