Am I Still Me?

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I’m not quite sure what I’m dealing with.

For the past 6 days I’m having problems figuring out how I’m truly feeling. I just feel “different”.

I’ll start with last week Thursday, because that’s when it all seemed to begin. After the final skills group for the day I asked D (OT) for a hug (since I’ve gotten quite a few from her when I was still attending group). As a side note, since I was back in the clinic, I can now go to 12 more group sessions on Tuesdays. (I didn’t go tonight- needed a break from the clinic environment). I wasn’t expecting her reply. She told me she wasn’t allowed to (it was a legitimate reason as far as I can recall). In the past I would have felt ashamed and rejected and probably gone off somewhere to cry and nurse my wounds. This time however, while I still felt a tiny bit embarrassed for having asked in the first place, and quite shocked at her reply, I was okay. I was surprised at myself. There were no big emotions. Just tiny little hints of them, barely noticeable. I did, however, feel myself distancing from her emotionally.

Actually, as I mentioned in my previous post, I felt disconnected from everyone and everything since waking up on Thursday, so maybe that was why I wasn’t as upset as I usually would have been?

On Friday I didn’t get to go to any groups, as I had my psych appointments. After my appointments I went to D to let her know that I won’t be in any groups for the day, that I was leaving. And what did I do? I asked her if I could hug her goodbye. This time she did hug me. While it was the same amazing D hug, I didn’t feel connected to her. Now here’s the thing… I don’t really feel connected to anyone anymore. Not even my therapist. And I haven’t reached out to her, which is even more strange. Usually when I feel the connection slipping, I’ll send her a text or email, but not this time.

I also don’t care that my roommates haven’t been in contact. I sent them each a message on Saturday and they both replied with a very brief message and that was it. Usually I would have reached out again by now (I told them I might come visit them as they’ll still be at the clinic until Friday), but I don’t want to.

Elizabeth and I have sent a few text messages back and forth during these past two weeks, but it’s become less frequent. I took two days to respond to one of her messages, and vice versa. And it didn’t bother me when she didn’t reply for those two days. Every now and then I would feel a lot of anger and hurt during the first week after she broke up with me. But most of the time I haven’t really felt much of anything for and about her. It’s as if our relationship didn’t even happen.

I’ve had some moments during the day where I’ve felt pretty good. Not happy. But good. I don’t know what emotions come with that “good” though. I made an appointment to go see my GP today, and she kept telling me how good I look. That I look confident and am carrying myself differently. That she remembers the first few times she saw me… I was this shy, timid little thing. At some point during our conversation we got onto the topic of relationships and I told her that I’m sick and tired of letting people walk all over me. I’m tired of giving others power over me. That I’m taking back my power. Whoever doesn’t like it can remove themselves from my life. I’m not going to take any more shit. That “the bitch has emerged”. I surprised myself by how powerfully those words came from my mouth. I felt strong, determined and in control. Well, she seemed to like this new side of me. Problem is, I don’t know if I like it. Part of me does, part of me doesn’t. Part of me feels like I’m in “self protect” mode. Another part of me wonders whether this new attitude is good or bad.

I don’t feel like me. Not that I really know who “me” is. I just feel weird dammit.

10 thoughts on “Am I Still Me?

  1. Don’t cut yourself off. Be in control of your messages but keeping in contact helps us to heal. Just don’t message selfish friends. They make you think why the heck did i bother x

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Rayne, From my perspective you’re growing into a new you, still sensitive but not reacting in familiar patterns, seems different, weird as you say, but better in a way, you’re less dependent and more secure in yourself
    Keep up the great work you’re worth it

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Carly1

    I’m wondering if you might ask inside who is “out” right now? Maybe you have a protector that feels they need to take charge for a bit and protect you from hurt/outside pain/ triggers? Do you feel connected to your body right now? Just a different thought.

    Liked by 1 person

    • When I wrote this I did feel connected to my body, so I don’t think it was a part. I think I’ve just been changing over the past few months, and my time at the clinic has helped tremendously. 🙂

      Like

  4. dbest1ishere

    I have been having similar feelings the past couple of weeks and my therapist thinks an “inner part” is on control right now. I don’t know if you have worked with parts work at all, if not then you will just think I’m a lunatic because there is no real way to explain it. If so then it certainly could be that a protector part is taking charge like stated above just to keep you from getting hurt. I’m not sure but I know I have been a bitch and a half the past coupld of weeks. Tired of reaching out to people who don’t reach out to me, tired of being forgotten.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. bethanyk

    The me I know is calm and loving and compassionate. That is the most of the time me where I reach out and care and empathize and want to help others. When i get into the self protection mode I get angry and cut others off and even though this is normal and the right thing to do for me it doesn’t always feel like me
    But I have come to this realization that we have many parts to ourselves that come with different actions and emotions based on our experiences and our growth and there is nothing wrong with that. It just may take some getting used to.
    You’ve been through a lot with the loss of Elizabeth and getting used to her not being there so I would just let yourself be, whatever part of yourself that is and not be too hard on yourself and not try to figure it all out just kind of be. Those are the thoughts that came to me as I read this so I wanted to share them

    Liked by 1 person

    • This all makes so much sense. I’ve been “growing” into this new me, and since I wrote this, I’ve started to feel more at ease with this change. Still got a way to go, but I’ll get there. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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