There’s been chaos inside my mind. It’s a battlefield in there. I have to make a decision, and the sooner the better.
Do I stay in therapy with C? Or do I go back to A?
I think I already know what I want to do, but I’m terrified that I make the wrong decision. After all, my track record when it comes to decisions doesn’t seem to be very good. I can be convinced of one thing for a while, but then something changes, and suddenly I’m thrown for a loop. So I think the biggest issue here is that I’m too scared to trust myself. So when I say I don’t know what to do, I mean it.
When I started therapy with C, she said that we could try it out for a while, and if it doesn’t work for me, I can always resume therapy with A. And the truth is that the more time goes by, the more sessions I have, the more I want to go back. Why am I holding back though, while nearly every part of me wants to run back to my favourite person? Because I’m still trying to figure out if I’m doing it for the right reasons.
Maybe I don’t need to figure it out. I couldn’t have known some of the things I now know. I’m just scared of messing people around. I know therapy is about me, but it’s still me that I have to do right by. I care about people, and I need to know that my decisions are what’s best for me, while also respecting and keeping others in mind. That’s just how I work best. And it’s how I live with myself.
There are obvious benefits to staying with C, but most of them are surface level things, and won’t do much good if certain other conditions aren’t met. With A, right from the beginning, it felt like a perfect fit. With C, I’m struggling to connect. There seem to be too many elements missing. I’ve realized over the past few days just how vital the therapeutic relationship is for growth, change, and healing. Well, I’ve always known that, but more so lately. Now that I don’t feel there’s much of a relationship in my current therapy. Is this my fault? Or is it just how it is?
I don’t feel like anything is happening with C. It doesn’t seem as though she’s actually helping. I’m not even sure what we’re doing. What the purpose of our sessions are. A seemed in tune with me most of the time, right from the beginning, and she has a brilliant mind (which fascinates me). Our sessions were challenging, interesting and insightful, and I had a lot of “aha” moments. I haven’t had any such moments with my new therapist.
Sure, I’ll talk to C about this. But I don’t know what that will accomplish. She’ll probably just tell me it’s my choice. I don’t feel like I can tell her some of what I wrote here. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I don’t know. My new therapist is lovely, but I don’t know if we’re the right “fit”. I feel like I’ve lost the most important person in my life. The person who knows me better than anyone. Who’s been there for me through so much. Who has helped me so much.
The one person I really want to talk to about this is A. I can give her the full story. But, because this is life, she’s exactly the one person I can’t talk to about this. At least not now. So I feel stuck.