Hello Psychiatrist

Had my first out-patient session with my psychiatrist yesterday, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I couldn’t wait to see her again.

I got to the clinic about 20 minutes early, and went to go buy myself a cappuccino (the clinic coffee shop makes the best). Standing there, lost in my own head, who comes in? My psychiatrist. I had to laugh, because it reminded me so much of the first time I went to the DBT group and we arrived at the clinic at the same time. It felt pretty much the same.

Here’s a random little fact about me. It takes me anywhere from an hour to three hours to finish a cup of coffee. So I took my cappuccino into the session with me, and I left without having had a single sip. Two hours later I was still busy with it. It’s my thing. I always get mocked about this. I do the same with alcohol, unless I’m drinking to cope. I’m basically a cheap date.

When it was time for our session and we were in her consultation room, Psychiatrist asked a lot of questions. I wasn’t really prepared for that. I’m so used to seeing her for only a little while at a time (while I was in the clinic), without much prying into my personal life. And now here she was, asking questions, in a session that lasted almost an hour!  When I would tell her something, she found another question from the information I had just given her. At one point I wanted to tell her to phone my therapist instead and ask her about it since she knows pretty much everything about me, and I didn’t want to answer some of them.

I slipped in and out of dissociation rapidly. As soon as any feelings rose up, it’s like I’d shut them down… unintentionally. Thinking about it now, I realize that I actually do that quite a lot with Therapist as well. Sometimes when I allow those emotions during therapy sessions, I feel like I hold the intensity back a little. I can also easily find myself talking about painful things, feeling absolutely nothing in the moment, but knowing that it’s a difficult thing to talk about. It’s almost like I go into autopilot mode. But between sessions, and when I’m alone, the emotions and memories are so painful , and I can’t stop them from taking over. I wonder why I struggle with this so much, and how to break through it.

Overall, it was a pretty good, but draining session. When I got up to leave at the end, I suddenly felt very disoriented. It was a weird experience.

I still feel that attachment to her, and I especially felt it yesterday. And while I’d love to see her at least once a month, I realized that I can’t. Therapy already takes a lot out of me sometimes, and I’m scared it interferes with therapy somehow. And the attachment I feel toward her is more “normal”, so I don’t feel the same panic as when I think of not seeing therapist for more than five days.


22 thoughts on “Hello Psychiatrist

  1. It’s amazing how powerful our brains are… that it knows you have to “go away” in order to speak the painful truth. It’s a coping mechanism that kept us alive at some point and is still operating as if we are in the same danger as we were before. It takes a lot of courage and strength to go to therapy. I wish we could just snap our fingers or wave a magic wand to wipe it all out of our minds. We have to go through the hell all over again in order to get to the other side, to get closer to freedom or at least hope for freedom. You are strong and brave ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s amazing indeed. I hear what you’re saying. I’ve been thinking more about this since writing this post, and I’m pretty sure that it originates from my childhood and teenage years. I wasn’t allowed to show negative emotions or express myself. So I learned to be subtle about it, or just hide it away completely. We hope for freedom, yes. Thank you, you’re just as strong and brave. ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am also in therapy once a week. It is hard. I’m glad you mentioned going in and out of dissociation because I have noticed the same and I didn’t realize it before.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is a huge revelation. I just had it this past week although im not sure what to do about it. My therapist. Said when it happens try to be aware, look around and describe something in the rooom in detail to bring me back.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Sounds like even though you disconnect at times, you’re aware of the emotions you’re holding. That’s important.

    Thanks for sharing your process of treatment. So many people are apprehensive about taking the first steps and you give an honest glimpse, which I believe is encouraging to those who are contemplating treatment.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It can be so scary to have our full feelings with others if we were shamed, Rayne. I have nearly blasted therapists out of the room with my anger which I now know was fear they would not accept me. I hope you can slowly build up tolerance to be held. Its hard breaking down those walls of trust. We can go it alone but we also need connection and support. This is how healing happens. Very honest and powerful post. Hugs ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It can be scary, that’s for sure. I’m hoping I’ll be able to just let out everything I’m feeling in the moment. One day maybe. I trust my therapist so I’m not sure why that happens. Thanks Deborah. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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