Had my first out-patient session with my psychiatrist yesterday, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I couldn’t wait to see her again.
I got to the clinic about 20 minutes early, and went to go buy myself a cappuccino (the clinic coffee shop makes the best). Standing there, lost in my own head, who comes in? My psychiatrist. I had to laugh, because it reminded me so much of the first time I went to the DBT group and we arrived at the clinic at the same time. It felt pretty much the same.
Here’s a random little fact about me. It takes me anywhere from an hour to three hours to finish a cup of coffee. So I took my cappuccino into the session with me, and I left without having had a single sip. Two hours later I was still busy with it. It’s my thing. I always get mocked about this. I do the same with alcohol, unless I’m drinking to cope. I’m basically a cheap date.
When it was time for our session and we were in her consultation room, Psychiatrist asked a lot of questions. I wasn’t really prepared for that. I’m so used to seeing her for only a little while at a time (while I was in the clinic), without much prying into my personal life. And now here she was, asking questions, in a session that lasted almost an hour! When I would tell her something, she found another question from the information I had just given her. At one point I wanted to tell her to phone my therapist instead and ask her about it since she knows pretty much everything about me, and I didn’t want to answer some of them.
I slipped in and out of dissociation rapidly. As soon as any feelings rose up, it’s like I’d shut them down… unintentionally. Thinking about it now, I realize that I actually do that quite a lot with Therapist as well. Sometimes when I allow those emotions during therapy sessions, I feel like I hold the intensity back a little. I can also easily find myself talking about painful things, feeling absolutely nothing in the moment, but knowing that it’s a difficult thing to talk about. It’s almost like I go into autopilot mode. But between sessions, and when I’m alone, the emotions and memories are so painful , and I can’t stop them from taking over. I wonder why I struggle with this so much, and how to break through it.
Overall, it was a pretty good, but draining session. When I got up to leave at the end, I suddenly felt very disoriented. It was a weird experience.
I still feel that attachment to her, and I especially felt it yesterday. And while I’d love to see her at least once a month, I realized that I can’t. Therapy already takes a lot out of me sometimes, and I’m scared it interferes with therapy somehow. And the attachment I feel toward her is more “normal”, so I don’t feel the same panic as when I think of not seeing therapist for more than five days.