As my recent posts have shown, I haven’t been in a good place emotionally. My issues and demons have re-surfaced in a huge way, causing me to doubt all the healing that I thought had taken place within me over the past few years.
The other evening I stumbled upon a performance (which you can find at the end of this post) from Demi Lovato. It was a case of the right place, the right time. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through the night. I just felt utterly and completely broken. This video is the most powerful live performance I’ve ever seen. I felt it down to my core and have never connected as deeply to any other song as I did this one, and with the emotion channeled into it.
My therapy session on Wednesday was a raw, emotional one. From the beginning my therapist pointed out that I seem very emotional. I just didn’t want to hold anything back. I didn’t have the strength to either. Turns out the emotions I’m feeling around her pregnancy are partly jealousy that this little baby is going to have her as a mommy, and the situation has also opened up all those old wounds around my own childhood. Memories and emotions I just couldn’t hide or run from.
This performance wasn’t just relatable to me now, but fit as the anthem to my childhood and adolescent years too. The words are almost identical to my own countless pleas, especially when I was a teen. If I hadn’t burned all the pages of my diary back then, it would be littered with it. “Please send me anyone.” “Is there anyone?”, “No-one’s listening”, “can anyone hear me?” So that evening, the lyrics went down deep into my soul. It perfectly captured what I was feeling. I completely broke down. The story behind the song is just as powerful. She wrote it a few days before her overdose. Her story is actually very inspiring.
We all have demons that we are battling. We have relapses. That doesn’t make us weak. It doesn’t mean healing hasn’t taken place. It means we’re human. And even when it seems like we won’t be okay, that we won’t make it through, we can and we do. She’s still here. I’m still here. You’re still here.
“Reach out to somebody”. We see and hear that message so often. But it isn’t that easy. Sometimes we don’t want to burden others. Other times when we do reach out, we get hurt, or end up feeling worse or made to feel guilty for our feelings and thoughts. But we all need and deserve to have someone truly listen to us. To hear us. And it’s okay to reach out. It’s also okay that sometimes we reach out to the wrong people. It doesn’t mean we made a mistake. It just means that the other person maybe doesn’t have the ability/capacity to be a support. That’s something that I still struggle with. Blaming myself, feeling ashamed, feeling like I’m the entire problem when a cry for help goes unanswered or ends badly.
The suicidal ideation is still there. The darkness still huge. I’m not out of the woods. But I wanted to write this post anyway. For me, and for others also struggling right now who may be reading this.
11 responses to “Healing Isn’t A One Time Thing”
Very powerful post Rayne. Yes, you’re still here, I could relate to most of what you wrote, it’s never easy eh… the darkness is looming. But I hope you find a way out of it, sending hugs ❤
P.S. that song by Demi Lovato gave me the chills/goosebumps, quite something.
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Thanks, Psy! It’s definitely never easy. ❤
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healing is always ongoing and for me a series of fits and starts You’re so open it is really inspiring to me
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Thank you. 🙂 “a series of fits and starts”, I like that description.
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Good for you, Rayne. Your ability to hold on to a connection to hope even in challenging moments provides others with inspiration, too.
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Thanks. I hope so. 🙂
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Hugs, Rayne! I agree, this performance is class! I loved it! I am struggling too right now! Its good to know I am not alone! I feel better knowing I’ve got allies, friends in all the struggles!
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Hope you’re feeling better. ❤
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I am very behind with reading this but its a sign of your progress you can actually allow yourself to feel that level of core abandonment. I hope it eased a little for you in recent times.. ❤
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Thanks Deborah. 🙂 Hope you’re doing well. ❤
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I am Rayne…thank you ❤
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