Journey Toward Healing

Is It True?

I have been in a relatively good mood today. Nothing special happened, I was just at peace.

But right now I’m not doing so well. Right now I feel as though I was hit by a truck carrying huge stone pillars, and I’m lying in the road, unable to move.

A few hours ago, I randomly (friend of a friend of a friend, I can’t remember) came across one of the guys who had taken something very valuable away from me, and suddenly I had a way to contact him. When I saw his picture, I froze, and it felt as though all the blood had drained from my body. Then I had the sensation of things crawling all over me. But within a few seconds, I just went numb.

I’ve been wanting to write a letter to this particular guy for years now, but never had a way to get into contact. And I also wasn’t sure whether I really wanted to send him one. So tonight, I wrote that letter, while feeling unreal, as though I just didn’t exist. Someone else was writing. The world seemed to move in slow motion.

But I couldn’t send it. I was terrified. And then, suddenly nothing felt real. All my memories of everything that ever happened, not just this event, didn’t feel real. I felt, and still feel so confused. What if this never really happened? That nothing that happened in my life, happened? What if my mind had created this elaborate set of memories that I have carried with me all these years, but they weren’t true? That all the ‘memories’ that I felt, and feel, emotionally and physically aren’t really there? I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel lost, and like I don’t even know where I am right now.

I don’t want to bring it up in therapy, because I’ve spent a few sessions already on what this guy did to me and how it’s affected, and still is, affecting me. I don’t want to rehash it all the damn time. A part of me also feels ashamed to keep bringing it up. Like I don’t have the right to.

I haven’t had any episodes of suicidal ideation for more than a month now (which was a welcome change), but right now, tonight, it’s back. I’m hoping that by writing this, I’ll get out of this mindset.

I’m doubting myself. And right now it hurts. It all hurts so damn much.

Rayne

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60 responses to “Is It True?”

  1. Has fear driven the other symptoms? Whatever you do, I’d be careful about expecting him to validate you. It is useful to be clear about your goal in such cases. Sounds like you have time to consider this.

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    • I think you’re right. I need to figure it what I’m hoping to gain from sending him the letter. I didn’t really think it through in the state I was in. I’ve set it aside for now, and thinking that I maybe SHOULD talk to my therapist first as well. I’m in any case still not in the right frame of mind at the moment.

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  2. Sometimes, I find myself feeling like that and I think of waves…
    …the waves come, they roll over me, and I imagine rolling in the sand as the waves come.
    And then, they recede and I am able to stand and be okay.
    I hope this finds you in a better place than last night. You have value and your comments are always welcome.

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  3. Hi Rayne. It sounds like you are right in the center of a PTSD reaction. All the signs are there. Right now, in this moment and maybe for a lot more moments, you don’t have to do anything to or for this man. Put the letter aside. I don’t know the history with him but it’s obviously very unsettling for you. Right now you are safe from him. Is there something you can do or have done in the past that helps you when you are in a PTSD reaction? Something that will help you get back to a place of feeling grounded, safe and calm? Maybe try a full body scan focusing on relaxing and mindfulness. This is a feeling that is real right now but won’t last forever. You are safe, powerful and strong. I’m sending you extra strength and love ❤

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    • Is it possible to have a PTSD reaction without actually having PTSD? I haven’t done anything more with the letter. I’ve put it on my external HDD, so I don’t have to know it’s on my computer every day. As weird as that might sound.

      Usually what’s actually been helping me lately, with a lot of things, is my Hope Box. I have two letters/cards in there from my therapist, letters from my friends, some photo’s and a book of positivity (quotes, etc). I’m still building it up. Strangely enough, I’ve found that when I do a meditation or focus on any sort of body scan during these times, it triggers me even more. I don’t want anything to do with my body then. Thanks for the strength and love. 🙂 ❤

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      • I would think so… I don’t know your history with this person, but if your relationship is connected to any kind of traumatic event (or even just a bad experience, even if it wasn’t necessarily traumatic) then, yes, suddenly having that person back in your life in any way, could trigger a PTSD like reaction. I’m glad you have a strategy that works for you and definitely don’t do the body scan if it triggers you. You know yourself better than anyone and need to do what you find helpful. I have done the same, written letters and then either saved them somewhere or burned them. This sounds like you are doing the right thing, by waiting and not reacting too quickly. I find that if I wait for the difficult emotions to ease, I can see things from a different perspective, which sometimes leads me to a completely different choice than if I had reacted immediately… does that make sense? Sending you even more strength and love ❤

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        • It makes complete sense actually. It was a very traumatic experience. Maybe one day I’ll be able to actually talk about it openly, with people other than my therapist, like on this blog. ❤ ❤

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          • You may have PTSD, just not diagnosed yet. Take your time, it’s your story to tell on your terms. And definitely worthy of exploring with your therapist. If you do have PTSD, that could impact the course of your therapy. There are also some PTSD specific types of treatments, like EMDR, which helped me with many traumatic events, and helped me learn to manage triggers ❤

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            • I asked my therapist once if I had PTSD, and she told me that I suffered trauma, but she didn’t want to diagnose me with PTSD. Apparently the BPD overlaps with PTSD as well, so it’s safe to say I have most of the PTSD symptoms as well. The BPD is just the all around diagnoses. Since my doctor once diagnosed with with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. So the BPD covers that as well. Does this make sense? I struggled to understand it in the beginning, but now it makes sense to me. EMDR could help as well, but I don’t think I’m ready for something like that.

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              • Yes, that makes perfect sense. All the diagnoses overlap so much. I have 5, and they all relate to each other in some way. I think that PTSD is at the root of all the others for me. I didn’t realize that until much later though… I was first diagnosed with depression, then added on GAD, Self Injury, Eating Disorder and lastly, PTSD, which explained all the others. Ugh, I sound like a mess, lol! EMDR is hard, but it was worth it to be able to decrease triggers. But, like I said, you have to do what is right for you in this moment… Trauma is a bitch. It’s amazing we’re still standing. A testament to our strength ❤

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                • I know, all too well sadly. I’m laughing at your “100 diagnoses!” Between having mental and physical issues, it’s amazing we’re still alive! Right now I’m so pissed at the world… I had a steroid injection a few weeks ago to give me some relief from joint pain and it helped so much. But instead of being able to enjoy that relief, I have had 2 migraines, the current one is on it’s 5th day. And that helps my mental health tremendously (NOT). It’s literally true, “if it’s not one thing it’s another!” ❤

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  4. You DO have the right to go over this as many times as you need to. This is YOUR story and YOUR life now and you need to take back the power from whatever bastards have hurt you. Don’t let them keep winning, you are strong and powerful now even if right now you don’t feel it. Channel your anger, use it to write and scream and punch pillows or whatever you need to do, feel the sadness and the pain and everything else – you are entitled to all the feelings and absolutely have nothing to feel ashamed of.

    You’ve been triggered by seeing that person, I imagine it’s fear that’s caused you to feel like this and it sounds like you’ve dissociated. I used to feel the exact way you are describing when I was a teenager living in danger – when the pain gets too much, you depersonalise and dissociate it away to survive. It’s what you need to do but the fact you can write is amazing because you can take it to therapy and try and work through it.

    Please try not to hurt yourself. Think of your inner child – think of any child telling you these feelings, try and comfort her and sit with her in her pain.

    I’m here with you x

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    • You’re right. I can, and should, take back the power. It’s mine, not anyone else’s. I’ve gotten this far in life, so I can see that I actually AM strong. Even those times when I don’t feel that way. I tried your suggestion about the inner child, and it worked! I’ll definitely use that from now on. Thanks for your support and validation. For being here. 🙂

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      • Oh Rayne I am sooooooo pleased to read this reply! I’m sooooo super happy that you’re feeling stronger and happier now. I felt so bad for you!! You are a strong woman and you will win every single time, even if that means falling and getting up again afterwards. At the end of the day, as long as you get back up, you are still winning!! I’m so glad the inner child thing helped. It really helps me every single time xx

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  5. Rayne. I may need to make multiple comments ’cause I’m on my phone.

    First. I don’t need to know what happened. Only that it’s causing you pain. Above all else, I’m so sorry it happened. Especially when you were having a good day, to come across a trigger or person from the past…that just really sucks!

    I don’t want to tell you what to do because you know yourself best. I know there are times with my therapists when I thought I was working too long on something. For myself, I’ve come to find that I’m done when I’m done, not before. When I’ve had these conscerns, I’ve discussed them with my therapist. I don’t hold back anything as doing so makes me start to second guess what I will and won’t share. What’s your gut tell you? I go with my gut.

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  6. From what your experiencing and writing I would think you were second guessing yourself. That sounds reasonable and normal, given what happened today.

    Oh, God, I’m just so sorry. Do you have anyone you trust to talk this through with? Is your therapist available by phone? If the suicidal ideation is back, that seems a valid reason to touch base with your therapist. If your in such pain, that’s certainly valid and you deserve support!

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    • Thank you for your empathy Theseus. 🙂 I really was second guessing myself. Even today, I still don’t feel very confident about anything, and it feels like I’ve got an emotional hangover. But I’ll get there. Just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can talk to my therapist about this, but I’m used to handling these things on my own, and don’t want to become to dependent. If I really feel I just can’t cope, I have three mental health professionals I can talk to. My therapist, of course, my psychiatrist and my DBT therapist. I’m very lucky to have such a great support team of professionals. 🙂

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      • It’s excellent that you have such a support system! I’m really glad to hear that. It’s so hard to try and face these things alone.

        I think I know about being used to handling things alone. I don’t want to have to need or depend on anyone else. But if I need to…

        Your right. Step by step. One of my favorite quotes is “if you can’t fly, walk. If you can’t walk, crawl. But never stop moving forward.” Don’t push yourself too far. You have us. You have your support system. Ultimately, you know what’s best for you and what the best pace for you is. Never let anyone tell you different.

        With respect to having PSTD or Bipolar or anything else, if it helps you feel oriented and gives you and explanation or reason, then utilize it. As long as you can see the light way down the road. Even if it’s a seemingly small, distant light, then that’s a good thing. It’s all about finding what helps you heal. Nothing else matters.

        I know this sounds sappy, but just think how many people all over the world are routing for you, sending you all this wonderful support and have you in their hearts and prayers (meditations?). How cool is that!

        You deserve it, my friend! You most certainly deserve it.

        Hang in there. I wish you peace and contentment.
        Theseus

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  7. Oh Rayne, sorry to hear this. I feel for your pain, I’m also hurting a lot recently (for different reasons). As for therapy, you have every right to share whatever you feel like sharing… even though I know how it’s not always easy.

    Hope you manage to pull through. Hugs ❤

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  8. Oh sweet Rayne, this is all normal when someone has taken your power from you. I’m sure it has taken years to believe you even deserve to have kept what they took….. maybe it was their right, maybe it was your own fault, or like now, maybe it didn’t even happen. Your protector has tried to keep your other insiders from this event. But the system is getting health and the ones who didn’t know about this are not quite sure they want to believe this even happened. Does this make sense? Just remember you are beautiful, worthy of good things and you are a good person. Be strong!

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  9. That my friend….has happened to me…and it sounds truly terrifying to go through those experiences in your body. Sounds like when i dissociate from ptsd. Hope you are ok

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    • Thanks Bethany. I’m sorry you also have these experiences. They’re horrible. I’m okay thanks, still just feeling a little “hungover” from the intensity of it all, and I’m still having the occassional flashback. Hugs ❤

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          • Oh shoot your comment just disappeared! The other one. My WordPress is on the fritz!!! I can’t access comments and then I go to reply and they are deleted and I click undo and it doesnt undo!!!argggg!!!!
            Anyway, I agree. Those who deserately want a child and cannot conceive and then you’ve got someone who throws their child away. It’s like the sweet precious who get sick and the scoundrel stays well. Well we shall never understand these ways of the world. Hugs to you!

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            • That’s very strange. WP does some pretty weird things sometimes. It’s true, we’ll never understand the ways of the world. Hugs back to you. ❤

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  10. ❤❤❤ You don’t have to problem solve and decision make about what you might do Re. The letter. But I would tell your therapist you’ve been triggered. Seeing that person would have created powerful emotional surges. It is a big deal. I hope tomorrow is better…I also hope my advice yesterday helped a little and didn’t put you in a vulnerable state. I was trying to help you retain realistic expectations…it is all obviously overwhelming for you just now. I’m doing sorry huni Xx 😘😘

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    • You’re right. And I will be telling my therapist. Your advice was super helpful, and I’m really grateful for your love and support and willingness to be there for me. You know I’m also only an email, or message away. When your PTSD flares up, do you also still feel the effects of it the next day, or even few days. That’s what’s happening now, and it’s draining.

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      • Definitely x It’s like a hangover effect. A emotional hijacking type traumatic intrusion affects the brain and body massively, so you will feel exhausted, heavy, lifeless, confused and drained. It is like a hangover…the emotional toxins have to work their way out of your system gradually so the body can restore itself to a state of homeostasis (equilibrium). Recovery takes time. What I’d advise is avoid things that you know will re-traumatise you as far as possible. Confronting our fears by doing things like looking at our abuser on social media etc are only going to have one effect-TRAUMA. Some trauma is avoidable, other things are avoidable. You have control, and self-care is your ally. XX

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        • Ah, okay, that makes sense. You’re so smart, lol. I’m staying away from those things that I know might trigger me. But it’s not easy when flashbacks intrude seemingly out of nowwhere.xx

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          • Yep I understand. PTSD makes your worldview threatening and unsafe. In reality we ARE safe. And keeping ourselves feeling safe is the whole mission of PTSD recovery. 😊💪👍💕

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  12. Hey Rayne. so great to hear all the wise support on here. Doubting your own perception is absolutely NORMAL. As others said just seeing the abuser or his or her trigger is HUGE. Do mention it to your therapist. I know how hard and painful it is. It may take some time to let go. It really is all okay. Don’t beat yourself up if you possibly can help it. Do something special and loving for you. Big hug. D

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  13. I agree with everything that others have said here before me. You have the right to bring it up as often as you feel the need to. It happened to you, even though it should not have had.Hope things are a little better today. Do talk with your therapist about it if your gut instincts tell you to. You have had a huge trigger, talking about it will help, even though it is had and painful right now. Hugs.

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    • Thanks Liz. Things are much better today than they were on Monday and Tuesday. I’ll bring it up with my therapist when I feel the time is right. She knows what happened in my life, I just wasn’t sure whether to talk about this subject AGAIN. Although I know she would encourage it. Hugs to you.

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  14. Completely agree with all previous posts! The trigger and fear all jumbled up together can make you doubt yourself, feel shame etc..You deserve to be heard as many times as necessary and you deserve to look after that frightened child within. Take a few steps back, take some deep breaths and take your time..Hugs to you ❤ ❤

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  15. I’m so sorry to read this Rayne. I can feel the internal wiring frying as you try to process something you can’t quite get your head around. Been there.

    I don’t know the details, but it sounds like you’re reliving painful shit, and it’s seemingly impossible to get away from it. You’re doing the right thing by venting. Keep venting. We’re here.

    And your therapist is there for you too. This is the important stuff to get out.

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  16. Hi Rayne,
    I have experienced similar confusion as to how something could be a traumatic reaction when I don’t have a formal diagnosis of PTSD. When I encountered the concept of complex PTSD it explained so much, and a period with a trauma therapist helped me to see much more clearly that the episodes of reacting emotionally in a way that seemed way out of proportion to the situation were trauma reactions triggered by particular things. I didn’t get much past being able to recognise what was happening and what the triggers were, to actually being able to deal with them (it didn’t work out with that therapist and I’m now back with my old therapist who is more psychodynamically oriented) but it has radically changed the way I think about my problems. A lot of what is lumped in as BPD could more accurately be described as CPTSD if there is recognisable trauma underlying it. I’m not saying it would necessarily change your actual treatment – an attuned therapist will deal with whatever is there regardless of the label that is attached to it – but it may be useful to explore the idea.

    If you are able to get hold of a copy, one book I found very helpful in explaining things is “It’s not you it’s what’s happened to you: complex trauma and treatment” by Christine Courtois. Pete Walker’s website on complex trauma might also be useful although it didn’t appeal to me personally.

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    • Thanks for your comment. BPD and C-PTSD are so similar that C-PTSD is sometimes classified as BPD, there’s only one sypmtom that’s differs between the two. BPD is a recognizable diagnoses, where C-PTSD isn’t, at least not the DSM. They didn’t put it in the 4th edition and didn’t include it in the latest 5th edition either, as they thought it was viable as a diagnoses. So here in South Africa, it’s not even recongized as a diagnosis at all. BPD is also a result of trauma in childhood and beyond, so anything else that’s a trauma is under the BPD diagnoses, which some therapists call C-PTSD instead. It’s a twisted thing, lol. Thanks for the book recommendation, I’ll check it out. 🙂

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  17. I do hope things are picking up a bit for you now, the roller coaster ride always feels so low when you start to plunge downwards. But there is that climb back upwards to come, it’s just sometimes a slow, difficult and arduous climb at times.

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