Can I Sleep Now?

I’m beyond tired.

Exhausted, is a better word.

I’ve struggled with insomnia for as long as I can remember. Even as a child, I’d struggle to fall asleep and stay asleep. When I would finally fall into a deep sleep, I’d have nightmares most nights. A lot of them were recurrent, with a few new ones thrown in now and then just to shake things up.

For almost two months now, I’ve been having nightmares almost every night. At first I remembered them all. But then it became a case of waking up with a racing heart, drenched, and in a panic or fearful state, but unable to remember the dream. Sometimes I’m completely disoriented and not even sure where I am. One morning I woke up with my hand clenched into a fist, my nails digging into my skin. It was painful trying to open my hand, and the marks it left reminded me to cut my nails before going to sleep that night. This has happened before. But I didn’t learn my lesson. Long(ish) nails don’t work for me.

It’s been 3 nights of having had hardly any sleep, even though I’ve not had much these past two months, it was at least a little better than these past few days. And boy am I feeling it now. Yesterday I was still perfectly fine. I was even in a hyperactive state. Having had insomnia as a regular companion throughout my life, I like to think that I deal with it pretty well and can cope with less sleep than a lot of other people. But right now I’m not handling this lack of sleep very well.

I went through the day feeling completely ‘out of it’. Nothing or no one feeling real. I’m not depressed. I’m just exhausted. Work was so excruciatingly stressful and hard today. All I wanted to do was come home, put the covers over my head and sleep until tomorrow morning.

I didn’t even know how to respond to an email my therapist had sent me today. And right now, I can’t even remember what I wrote back. I’ll check it tomorrow when I can actually make sense of things.

On the note of my therapist, I was planning on writing a little bit about our session from Monday, but my brain just can’t work that hard right now at remembering things. And it feels like a lifetime ago. I’ll write about it tomorrow or Friday.

My mind is so fuzzy, I’m surprised I’m able to write this post. Honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m writing it. It doesn’t even feel real. Maybe I’m dreaming that I’m writing this?

If it wasn’t for the fact that I just started my job at the beginning of this month, and am still in the probation period, I would skip the alarm clock tomorrow morning.

I want nothing more than to sleep. With no nightmares. No struggling for hours to fall asleep. No waking up 20 times. Just pure, glorious sleep.

Is this too much to ask?


8 responses to “Can I Sleep Now?”

  1. You literally just wrote what I asked my therapist about the other day. I said the exact same thing. I just wanted to sleep with no nightmares and wake up feeling good. No matter what meds they try I am lucky if I get an hour a night of sleep before the nightmares ruin it all.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh that’s so hard, Rayne. The healing can only come when the body gets a chance to rest but if you are in an acute phase of PTSD it is so impossible to achieve sleep. I don’t like to make any recommendations but a body therapist I saw recommended a magnesium tissue salt of which I needed to take 5 pills. It just helps the body and brain to relax a little. I now use the powder as well. It might not help but I just though I would mention it. Its not harmful in any way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is the most terrible state to be in. I know your struggle and it’s excruciating. I don’t have any answers for you and I know this is not reassuring or encouraging but you re not alone. I am so sorry for this burden you carry. I have nightmares also. Not nightly, but often,,,and they are more frequent now than ever. I crave my mind to rest and sleep as well but it is constantly moving. I hope sleep returns to you very, very soon. I’m so sorry.

    Liked by 1 person

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